Advice on drop-off etiquette when dropping children at ex's home

[old_timer]

Thanks all for the replies.

I'll add more details to my situation. The dropping off routine had always been getting out of the car and helping the kids bring their stuff into the ex's house. I was always a bit uncomfortable going into my ex's house and saying my good-byes in the house in front of the ex and her new partner. I always said be good and have a good/fun week. The ex would do the same when dropping the kids at my place.

The kids are older now (15 and 10) and my ex has done some small things over the years that have finally accumulated to the point where I dont want her to be on my property. So, I politley asked her if we could change the drop-off routine where we say our good-byes in the car. She has so far refused to do this. So, this past weekend it was her turn to drop the kids off at my place and she brought the kids into the house (I keep the garage door open so that they can get into the house). I greeted them and asked my ex to please get out of the house. She got angry and told me to F*** O** and slammed the door. This totally upset my youngest one and she started to cry thinking her mom was angry at her for some reason. So I comforted her and told her it had nothing to do with her.

Anyways the issues I have are:
1) Why isn't she respecting my request
2) Her behavior in front of the kids was inexcusable

Am i out of line asking for a small change in the routine? If she still doesnt want to change what I ay have to do from coming to the house is have the girls come to the front door and knock before they come in. That way I can prevent my ex from coming in uninvited.

Thoughts?

[billm]

This is easy. Let her come to your door the way she always has. Just smile and accept the kids and don't confront her.

I understand not being comfortable at her place with her ex there, so maybe just drop the kids off in the driveway, making sure they get in.

The best though is to walk them to the door and validate the kids life of living in two homes. Smile and walk away. We all know how hard it can be to be in front of the ex and their partner, but if you can, walk to the door, tell the kids you love them and to have a good time. That validates their life, you are the adult, you'll have to deal with your emotions in a way that does not effect the kids.

The answer is easy, doing it is hard, but you can hopefully gain some power from self respect in doing this for your kids and taking the high road.

[AtALoss]

Excellent way of putting it, billm. True easier said that done but that is what we should all strive for.

[fireweb13]

My case with my ex,We used to be able to exhange for lack of a better word my daughter at the tim hortons around the corner from her house because she has always yelled and screamed needlessly in front of our daughter,so i thought that a public place half a km from her house was best and for a long time she agreed.Then she moved in with her new much older boyfriend,23 years older then her and now i have to call her when i am around the corner so she can meet me at the end of the driveway with our daughter because her new boyfriend does not want me on his property.So i requested that we meet at tim hortons again just to be on a level playing ground and she refuses,because of the wording in our court document it states that she can refuse if we do not both mutually decide on a public place.So now i can;t even go onto the driveway if it is busy,can;t go to the door if it is raining or anything,just wait at the end of the driveway and she can take up to 10 mins even when we give her lots and lots of notice of my exact arrival time.our daugher is 2 and a half and she won;t discuss anything important with me,just yells constantly.She won;t work on potty training or anything to do with our childs education or growing up.Unfortunatly the way the court order is written she is not technically doing anything wrong.Any suggestions,I usually just do what she says and try and put a smile on and just get the exchange done as fast as possible because anything i say about our child is an attack on her,wondering if she is doing well at home is an attack and pretty well any questions are attacking her for some reason,i am just so lost as to what to do.