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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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Old 10-19-2012, 07:02 PM
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Default Wording to stop access change due to move

Background for those that don't know my situation:
3 kids (10, 14, 16), separated 5 years, equal custody and access (2-2-5-5 access).

Paying support according to income, SS according to agreement, net family property equalized 4 years ago. Ex thinks I don't pay enough. Signed separation agreement that states equal shared access. No mobility clause. I have a comprehensive agreement ready to go, but ex is refusing to sign it. Her court application clearly states that custody and access is agreed to and 50/50 - she is going to court for more money only (though she just cancelled our settlement conference last week and I don't know why)

My ex is thinking of moving 3 hours away, she is now talking to kids about it and says they want to move too (though they have told me the opposite - she is putting them in the middle of what should be just our conversation). She states it is for economic reasons - cheaper housing. She has a good job here - no prospect to make more money elsewhere (we are in Toronto, she wants to move to our small home town).

My ex has moved 4 times since separation 5 years ago. I am in the same house for 12 years.

I don't want to move. It may reduce my income (self employed) and may significantly limit my ability to continue to find work and increase my income. I love my neighbourhood, my friends whose kids have grown up with mine. Also, I honestly believe it is not in my kids interest, or even close, to move.

I have a small place in our home town, the kids get there multiple times a year to see extended family etc - they have the best of both worlds.

My son is in the school his sisters went to for 10 years.
My daughters are in one of the best public high schools in the city - ranked about 70th out of 700 in Ontario, the home town's high school ranks about 500.
My oldest is in Grade 11, almost done high school.

The girls participate in a great all girl hockey league that is not available in the small town.

My kids utilize Toronto, and go to concerts and other events, starting to take public transit to explore.

My son plays lacrosse that is not available in the small town.

They all play soccer and hockey in leagues with kids they have come to know.

They have friendships here they have had since kindergarten.

My neighbourhood is safe, my ex lives only 1km away in a nice house.

We pay offset support and this year it is about $0 because I had a bad year last year - making my ex say she cannot afford her house (and how dare I put her in this situation). Since separation we have shared NDI 52/48, and I can afford my house, despite carrying a much larger mortgage and a second home, and getting through last year of low income and paying her high support.

Next year I will pay her significant CS again as my income has gone back to normal (self employed).

So what am I asking?

I would like advice on strong wording to send a letter to her stating that she cannot change my access without my agreement or without a court order (or other wording as advised). I would agree to increased access where the kids live with me for the most part, but I know she would not move if that were the case, and also, my kids need her as much as they need me.

I don't think it is a good idea that she moves, but really I want to focus on the kids and my access. I don't want to be forced to sell my house and move to keep access the same.

I want to know legally that her options are either to get my permission to change access, or to get a court order, and to state that clearly to her.

Also, what action should I take otherwise to minimize conflict yet retain my access and have the kids stay where they belong?

As a side note, I received a call from the Police today stating that she asked them to call me to tell me that her moving is none of my business, and that I should reduce my emails, and that I am not allowed on her property when I pick up the kids. She also lied and said I threatened her (over her dead body kind of threat) in a text to her over a year ago - I have never in any way threatened her (or anyone for that matter). I told the officer that we have been messaging each other for 5 years and I challenge my ex to show even one example of any threatening words or actions as I am simply not that type of person. It was the only time she has contacted the police.

I had a good conversation with the officer, but was surprised given that we have been freely walking in the entrance of each other's home for 5 years, we never argue face to face, our emails are argumentative, but within reason, and I stated to her clearly that she can move, I am only concerned with my access - all of my emails were in response to emails she sent me regarding the matter.

I was almost completely happy and felt that my ex no longer had a hold over me regarding divorce and money - and now I'm all stressed out again - I want predictability in mine and my kids lives!

Why does she want to move? My best guess is that yes she is tight on money, but has enough. She wants full CS from me, and she wants to move because she no longer has friends in our community as she dumped them all, and is looking to move to finally be happy - that 5th move always makes one happy doesn't it?

Last edited by billm; 10-19-2012 at 07:10 PM.
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Old 10-19-2012, 10:47 PM
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Sorry to hear about your situation. I am no lawyer, so I can only comment on my situation in the past 2 years and hope it helps you. I think you can go to court and get an order that she cannot move the kids out of the school district. Having said that, given your kids ages, at least the 2 oldest ones I believe have a say in whether or not they would like to move and/or change access.
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Old 10-20-2012, 04:46 AM
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more information would be helpful: length of marriage/cohabilitation would be a start.

was there an event/family incident that prempted the "falling-out" of your relationship with the ex... pease expand on that as I suspect it might be important.
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Old 10-20-2012, 09:29 AM
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Hi Bill. I don't see in your post if you have an existing court order, or if you have a separation agreement registered with the courts.

She is not just changing access, that is understating things. She is planning to profoundly alter custody, end your shared parenting, and completely change your support situation.

If this were me, I would word it something like this:

Quote:
"According to our court order of (date) signed by Justice (name), the children are to reside with each of us as follows: (insert details.) According to this same order, we have joint custody, and are both responsible for child support so I pay the difference at the present time.

You may not unilaterally decide to change anything in this court order. If you refuse to transfer the children to me on the appointed times, you will be in contempt of court.

I do not agree to changing the children's residential schedule, our mutual custody level, our current Child Support arrangements, the children's primary residence in their current school district, or their current sports and recreational activities. (Note: Don't say why. You are asserting the court order, that is reason enough.)

If you are intent on moving out of Toronto I am willing to negotiate a reasonable change in our access schedule that maintains their current school district and activities.

Calling the police to make a frivolous complaint against me was uncalled for and does not aid in settling this amicably. I expect a written apology from you on this matter.

I will not agree to moving the children to (hometown.) It is only fair that I make this clear to you. There are various options we can consider regarding access, but moving them to (hometown) is out of the question.

At this point, due to your insistance that I not approach your residence, exchanges should be made by one of us dropping the children off at school and the other picking up. This will eliminate any need for us to have personal contact until this matter is settled.

I am sorry you have chosen this path, but I cannot agree that your plans are in the children's best interests.

Yours Truly,
etc. etc."
BTW, I would send this by registered mail, a copy to her lawyer (or previous lawyer whether they still represent her or not) and by email. If she is no longer represented, they will still forward it to her. That will send an additional message.
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Old 10-20-2012, 09:36 AM
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I would take out the part about the written apology. Face it, that won't happen and it will just piss her off more. No sense in escalating the conflict. Just focus on the kid stuff. She was an ass for getting police involved but nothing happened so just let that part go.
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Old 10-20-2012, 09:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
I would take out the part about the written apology. Face it, that won't happen and it will just piss her off more. No sense in escalating the conflict. Just focus on the kid stuff. She was an ass for getting police involved but nothing happened so just let that part go.
I included it because the letter is assertive, not aggressive or passive. He has every right to an apology, whether he gets one or not. The letter is setting reasonable personal and legal boundaries. The main point of the letter is to set these boundaries so that if/when things escalate, she cannot claim otherwise.

Later on, he may not be able to directly bring up the issue of her calling the police in court (at a motion hearing for example) but he will be able to provide this letter as indication that he gave her notice of his disagreement with the move. At the same time it will also show that she was being a complete ass about the whole thing.
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Old 10-20-2012, 09:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
I included it because the letter is assertive, not aggressive or passive. He has every right to an apology, whether he gets one or not. The letter is setting reasonable personal and legal boundaries. The main point of the letter is to set these boundaries so that if/when things escalate, she cannot claim otherwise.

Later on, he may not be able to directly bring up the issue of her calling the police in court (at a motion hearing for example) but he will be able to provide this letter as indication that he gave her notice of his disagreement with the move. At the same time it will also show that she was being a complete ass about the whole thing.
not sure but wouldn't he have to have a police report in order to bring it up in court??
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Old 10-20-2012, 10:09 AM
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Perhaps you could offer up a situation where the kids stay with you during the week and her access is every other weekend as a means to let her move but not disrupt the children's education?If she is not moving to a job her logic isn't quite good enough.
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Old 10-20-2012, 11:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
more information would be helpful: length of marriage/cohabilitation would be a start.

was there an event/family incident that prempted the "falling-out" of your relationship with the ex... pease expand on that as I suspect it might be important.
Married 14 years. She was 38 when we split. No court order. Our marriage ended simply because she didn't want to be married to me - we went to counselling for about 2 years, but in the end she moved out. I was happy in our marriage, everyone thought we were a great couple. No arguing, no financial issues, healthy relationship (from my point of view). She has said many things about me since separation.

I am professionally self employed, never been in a physical fight in my life, don't do drugs and never have, drink socially and moderately, have always been 100% involved in my kids lives - go to every event, family before business etc.

I enjoyed counselling and thought we would solve whatever problem she had, but she refused (literally) to discuss anything about her - she was focused solely on me and my lack of respect for her etc (a view which I didn't share, nor our counselor, but perhaps that was disrespectful )

She has ended almost every relationship she has ever had, friends included, and then finds new friends.

After separation she re-certified as an RN (which I paid for) and has been fully employed since and now has a job with benefits M-F 9 to 5 as a nurse (desk job basically, but paid because she is a nurse).
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Old 10-20-2012, 11:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
Hi Bill. I don't see in your post if you have an existing court order, or if you have a separation agreement registered with the courts.

She is not just changing access, that is understating things. She is planning to profoundly alter custody, end your shared parenting, and completely change your support situation.
Thanks.

No court order. Signed separation agreement that I wrote that we signed that states custody and access and support, but the idea was that a more detailed one was needed (holidays, etc, which I have since given her, but she will not sign it) - not registered with the courts, perhaps I should do that.
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