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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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Old 11-17-2005, 03:06 PM
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Chopper is on a distinguished road
Unhappy What happens now? I need help!

Hi my name is Brandon.

My wife’s name is Cindy.

I’ve been with my wife for almost twelve years now. We have two small children Ethan (7) and Bryce (4).
We recently got married October 1, 2004 and had a beautiful wedding.
Sometime between now and then though we’ve had things fall apart and the past five to six months have been especially rough.

I admit I have my share of short comings. I’m not a perfect dad nor a perfect husband.
I’ve said my share of things I maybe never should have said nor did I mean. I wish I could take them back.
One thing in particular I said about four months ago has seem to trigger a beginning to an end for our relationship though.

My best friends is Steve which I worked with for over five years. He was also my best man.
My wife’s best friend is Cheryl. She was the Maid of Honour.
Cheryl and Steve have been dating for about approximately eight years now and are very serious.
Our relationship with them to say the least has been pretty tight.

About three years ago at a party Steve was caught upstairs in a friends bathroom late after allot of people passed out including his girlfriend.
I was told some girl followed him into the bathroom and they were still up there, a few people were aware of the situation.
I took it upon myself to go break it up and I did.
Cheryl found out about the situation the next day, her and Steve worked through it and are still together today.
She never really knew the whole story, I never told anybody about what happened.

During an argument in July my wife made reference to Steve which I felt placed him on a higher pedestal then me in her eyes.
I feel she’s done this several times before and I feel resentment when she has. She says she doesn’t.
In efforts to prove that I was the responsible one and as the argument heated I asked her if Steve was so perfect then why did I have to go upstairs that day and break him up with another woman.
I made reference the sexual act I caught them in and have regretted what I’ve said to this day.
My wife told Cheryl. This triggered a fury of revengeful comments from Steve and Cheryl both.
I can’t believe why my wife would even say anything… is nothing sacred?

I’ve had four months worth of tattle tailing to my wife from Steve and Cheryl about every little thing I’ve done wrong since the time I’ve known the two.
Cheryl and my wife’s relationship appears to be better and stronger then ever. I truly feel my wife sides with them.
Ever since I said this my wife has gone through everything I’ve owned, our home PC, my lap top, wallet, vehicle and all my personal items including my carrying bag I use for work.
She has questioned me on everything I’ve ever done trying to dig something up.
Life’s been a big telephone game of she said this, he said you did that and…bla…bla…bla and the majority of which has been exaggerated beyond belief.
It has extended as far as her questioning my own relatives, my Aunt and Uncle which we’ve had a great relationship with.
Even during a recent business trip she call my dad over to our house and questioned him if I did anything when we went on a snowmobile trip for a week.
She said she heard this from Cheryl.
And still she continues to accuse and investigate.

My wife has accused me of cheating and being a liar, She’s says she can’t trust me all the while never being able to prove anything.
I admit she has found out about some things I’ve never told her….things I would call petty.
Like a picture of an old girlfriend in an old toolbox I don’t even use any more.
Times I went to the strip joint with Steve when I know she detests the idea. I’m a guy…was just going out for a good time with my buddy.
Smoking the odd cigarette.
I wanted to get my pilots licence and went to the local airport for a $30.00 pleasure flight. I told Steve but I never told her.
When I brought the paperwork home to discuss signing up I felt discouraged when she said we can’t afford it….so I didn’t tell her…just wanted to save an argument.
I have done nothing more wrong then things of this magnitude. I swear.
I have admitted to the accusations I felt were true……yet we can’t seem to get past it.
She keeps telling me I disrespected her and its not repairable.
Every conversation keeps going back to the same thing. I am constantly being accused. I can’t even beg for forgiveness and I am always in the wrong.
If I make accusations in my defence maybe implying she could be at fault or why she did things…she always has a legitimate reason as to why she acted in manner she did.
She says she can’t talk to me and that I’m the reason we can talk.
I’ve asked her to go to a professional, she told me sure because they can point out what I’m doing wrong. So what hope would that bring.

I feel I have lost most of my friends and somewhat embarrassed to face some of my family.
Her parents and sisters have over the course of ten years have moved out west. She does have family here in Toronto, her grand parents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
All these people I thought I had a decent relationship with but now unsure.
I feel allot of things have been said about me behind my back to her parents and family as well. I wish I knew.
The likelihood is pretty good that she has, I wish they knew my story or how I feel.
Like Napoleon once said ” What is history other then a fable agreed upon”
If nobody gets to hear my side of things I guess I’m the bad guy or all these things are true.
I’ve had a certain feeling she’s been running around to everyone crying a poor me story.
She had made it clear that I’m a bad person and virtually everyone I used to relate to doesn’t like me.
I’ve had virtually everyone stripped away from me that were close to my wife or to Steve and Cheryl.
This was my life and my circle.

Now it gets to the part where it really hurts.
She threatened to leave me and take the kids as soon as she found a place for them to live.
I received this threat in the form of a letter she put in my bag while I discovered on a business trip to South America in August.
The letter outlined all my problems or the problems she has with me. I was devastated, alone and on the other side of the world.
I’ve been pretty scared and can’t stop thinking about this.
I have allot of responsibility with my profession and I’ve had a tremendously difficult time focussing on work.
I’m hoping my boss doesn’t see this in my work, I believe he really likes me and he’s a pretty cool guy….I’m just to scared to talk about it…just don’t want to let him down either.

Ever since we’ve been having the same old arguments round and round. Nothing ever settled. Accusation after accusation.
As much as I possibly want to make things better I feel I can’t. I have too many people to work against now.
She made it clear three days ago that she was leaving me, I feel my worst nightmare has came true.
She told me she was leaving December 1st.
She told me she had a lawyer and she will be taking the kids, that there will be no way I would get joint custody as well as to get used to the fact I will only see my boys one day a week and one weekend every two weeks.
In addition she told me I will have to pay her what ever the court decides…..probably the maximum for my income range.
I wish there was something I could do….I wish there was
something I could say to change it all.
I’m a responcible working professional and definatly not a dead beat.
I’ve been a great provider and try to be the best dad I can.
I’ve never been in trouble.
I’m honest and very hard working and well respected among my colleagues.
I have never had anything bad to say about my wife.
I have never talked bad about her.
I would do anything for her.

I love her more then anything in the world and I love my two boys just as much.

I hurt so bad right now. I wish there was something I could do. Just can’t stop the tears.
Where do I go from here?

Kind regards,
Brandon
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2005, 03:14 PM
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lammie is on a distinguished road
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Brandon,

That is quite a mess you have there. I am very sorry to hear it. I know you told your wife about Steve and Cheryl out of frustration and anger but you should not have done that.

That being said, Steve did cheat, so the fact that Steve and Cheryl now want to blame you for that and take it out on you is ridiculous. Their retaliation is childish. If you did something wrong in your marriage, you too need to take responsibility.

What it sounds like is you have 4 very immature people playing grown up, and someone needs to stand up and take responsibility for their own actions and suggest everyone else do the same.
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2005, 11:10 PM
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Chopper is on a distinguished road
Default Thanks for the reply.

Hi,

Thank you kindly for the reply.

I know I made the mistake of making a rebelious comment out of anger and frustration. It hurt alot of people.
Like I said.....I wish I could take it back.
Communication is something I think I always have needed to work on. Especially when I feel like I've been backed into a corner or in a situation where I feel I need to defend myself. I've been told that before..... but my emotions sometimes get the best of me.
I've always heard there is three types of people....
The dummy's.....the ones that will never learn.
The smart ones...the ones that learn from their own mistakes.
And the wise...the ones that learn from other peoples mistakes.
In this case.......I will try to be the smart one in the future....what ever that holds.
The only thing though.....in a relationship that should hold no secrets, why do I have to keep one. I should be able to tell my wife anything. Don't you think?
Doesn't really matter now.

Thanks!
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 11-18-2005, 12:54 AM
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Brandon,
sorry to her about your circumstances. If things are beyond working out with your wife and putting this behind you then you have to think ahead. Your wife is and it is apparent that she wants to hurt you emotionally through your kids.

It sounds like your wife has made threats against you and has already figured out long term plans such as that she will have custody of the children and she has already figured out that when you will see the children alternate weekends etc.

You have to keep in mind is all incidents of custody and access is determined on the best interest of the children and your wife is in no position to determine that. That is very mean of her even to say those things.

If you let her leave with the children, you are essentially giving her custody. Why don't you take this responsibility and let her be the non-custodial parent. Keep in mind the both parents are equally entitled to custody.
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