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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 03-21-2006, 07:03 AM
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Default What do I do...!!!!!

My marriage of 17 years has been slowly going down hill for the last 10 years with the last couple really takeing a slide. It seems that no matter what I do nothing makes my wife happy. What ever I do it should have been the opposite. We need money I work more, I work more then I'm not home enough. Things in the house seem like they are always a fight but not just money issues which in reality are not bad. We cant have a conversation or even talk with out it ending up in yelling. I just cant take it any more. she allways on a rampage. I'm starting to see it rub off on our oldest (12yrs) boy in the way hes attacking towards his brother (9yrs) and other kids. I dont think that its right that child mother should be always yelling at them calling them names (F'in this and F'in little that). Its pretty much killed ever ounce of joy I had in me. I cant even spend extra time doing something with the boys without worring about the war thats going to be there when we get home and how I'll be called a "F'in A hole" or whatever in front of the kids.. I've asked her to see a concillor or someone about anger management a few times and Her reply is normally "F you" or "like F".
I want to leave. She's already told me thats shes never goign to sign any seperation papers or divorce papers. What can I do? I'm not living the rest of my life like this. Is there anyway I can MAKE her leave becuase I think shes nuts and dont want to leave the kids with her. It scares me when I come home from work and she tells me my kids are lucky they are still alive. I dont think she'd ever really do anything real bad to them but it still scares me. I have come home and found one or the other of the boys crying saying that his mom smaked him across the faces though. She only works part time at a minimum wage job. So shes home quite a bit. I'm a forman for a large construction company and make good money but am sometimes working long hours. Does this sound like abuse at all????? I want out........what can I do?


Messed up
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Old 03-21-2006, 07:30 AM
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Sorry for you predicament ... especially the boys. That is definately not a conducsive environment for their growth.

That you've be able to ensure so long, is quite amazing ... seems to be an abusive situation.

Have you mentioned of sought some form of therapy for yourselves ... there are some 'core' issues that need to be dealt with and can probably best be brought to the surface with the help of a therapist.

If this is OUT of the question and you want out ... seek legal counsel to find out your options ... she cannot hold you hostage in a marriage that you may want out of. Being an abusive situation, you may wish to consider soul custody or joint custody whereby YOU are considered the primary parent. Keep in mind, that you work LONG hours, think about how this may impact your parenting. A lawyer will guide you and lay out your available options.

Blessing to you and your family.

Hubby
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Old 03-21-2006, 12:54 PM
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Technically no one can prevent a divorce (the old movie cliche about signing the papers so thge ex's can get married is not true). What your ex can do is contest the divorce. Which means the divorce will be granted, but the issues of children, support, etc will be left up the courts.

Very important. Do not leave the house. It sucks. Maybe sleep in the basement?

Perhaps contact CAS? Suggest counselling for your wife? But do yourself a favour... if you have already decided the marriage is over... you don't need to convince me or anyone else. That's your business.

Pick today as your separation date (you don't need to be physically separated). Get the paperwork going.

You could get heavy-handed with a restraining order. Again, ou know the facts, not me. You can call the police and talk to a detective about this. They might offer better advice about abuse (emotional/physical) and what to do legally.
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Old 03-21-2006, 05:37 PM
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Why shouldnt I leave the house? Its almost to the point that I'm ready to snap. I had to leave the other becuase I was 1/2 second from tossing something through the window. It just frustrates me that I cant do anything to stop it now all right now.

Messedup
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Old 03-21-2006, 06:00 PM
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You need to get a lawyer and get an order for exclusive posession of the home. If I were you, I would NOT leave under any circumstances. This woman sounds very angry and you will be faced with a lot of problems if you choose to leave her there with the kids. Also, if she is already treating your kids in this abusive way, then just imagine how she will treat them when she is even angrier that you left. You wouldn't want her taking her anger out on them. Your children need you around to protect them from this emotional and physical abuse. Talk to a lawyer before you do something you'll regret. Trust me, I made a lot of choices out of frustration and high emotion that I regret and had I gone to a lawyer first, things would be much better for me now!

I feel for your situation very much. Remember not to act out of frustration or haste. Try to sit and talk to your wife calmly and gently. Tell her that you're worried about the implications of this on your children and that you would really like to get some help together. Sometimes how you say something can make a big difference. If you speak to her in an aggressive tone, you will be less likely to get a positive response. If all of these things fail for you, then contact a family lawyer to get an opinion of how to proceed. You and your children should not have to put of with this.

Good luck. Please keep us posted!
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Old 03-21-2006, 06:48 PM
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Thanks for the replies guys. Would it bad a thing if I just went a stayed at my parents for a bit (couple weeks maybe) to cool off ( I really need to do that)? They are in their 70's and need some work done around their place anyway. It's a bit of a drive so it would give me a good excuse to stay there instead of just saying I'm leaveing. I've given up on trying to make this work. I've be doing that for years and it just isn't getting any better. I thought about getting out of this a long time ago but kept telling myself "just wait till the kids are a little older becuase it will be eaiser on them then"
To get an order for an "exclusive possesion of the house" what kind of lawyer do I need? I'm new to this lawyer thing aswell. Is this something that will need a couple grand up front or do lawyers have payment plans? I know I said money wasn't a huge issue for us but just yanking $1500 or $2000 out of thin air isnt going to happen either.

Thanks
Messedup
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Old 03-21-2006, 08:07 PM
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Sounds like this is a horrible enviornment for yourself and your children to be living in. Your wife could use some anger management skills. You will need a lawyer that preferably practices only family law. I've heard that some lawyers have payment plans, but most want an up front retainer. Ask around some offer an intital free consulation, you could have some of your questions answered then. I know you seem at the end of your rope right now and could use a break. But I wouldnt leave the home, even to visit your parents, until you understand whats involved legally.
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Old 03-21-2006, 08:53 PM
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if you leave the house she can lock the doors, say you are abusive and you may be restrained from entering or going near the house. Also if you leave the children there for even a couple of weeks, chances are the judge(when it comes to custody and access)could say she couldn't have been so abusive if you trusted her enough to leave the children with her. ..and if she was you're no better for leaving them in an abusive situation. She what I'm getting at?Leaving your home would be a HUGE mistake. I'm not talking only from a legal perspective but from MOSTLY you r children's perspective!!!you said yourself that you are the kids protection. What happens to the 9 year old-mom's mad, takes it out on kids, then the 12 year old is also angry 'cause he's living in anguish so he takes it out on the 9 year old. who does that little boy have to protect him? BOTH OF THEM NEED YOU. If anything get your wife out and hire a babysitter(nanny); ask your parents to come watch the kids anything. i can't believe you'd consider leaving your children behind for your sense of well-being!
You have an important position and if she gets custody(Heaven forbid) you'll be paying a long time(17 year marriage)- spousal support and child support. so if this isn't done properly, you'll be working at that good job yet bringing home next to nothing yet giving an abusive mother a great lifestyle. you think you're upset now-wait until you're court-ordered to pay LOTS of money for a very long time. She works a minimal paying job, if she gets custody you will have to share what you make to balance out her money with yours. I tried to explain this in simple terms becauseyou're new to the system but believe me you'll catch on fast.
Don't be hasty, a short term pain is worth the long term pleasure. Please think oabout those little children. If you leave she will be beyond mad and who will she rebel against-those little kids. TALK TO A LAWYER. get a consultation to at least give you clarity of mind.
Good luck-there eventually is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Keep posting, we're here to help
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 03-22-2006, 06:17 AM
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I just have to repeat what Grace and GoodDad have said: DO NOT LEAVE

One simple mistake like that can cost you the children and your cash for life.

I have always thought that in divorce 80% of the problems people "fix" in haste using 20% of the resources occur before the trial/divorce. From then on 20% of the problems will take 80% of your resources.

What I am getting at is that once you cross the line of trials and court orders, it is almost impossobile to change things. And status quo sets in faster than people think! I see many many posts about people wanting more access, custody, etc., after the horse has left the barn. That will costs about 30K-50K and is very hard to change. Most likely you will fail - or get maybe an extra hour here or there.

Basically, get it right the first time (and that still might cost you 30K).

In my own personal situation, the ex and I both agreed that in the late evenings I would go to a friends house to sleep to give us some space. I liked it too since my friend was a great listener. I always put our child to bed after supper, baths and story-telling and was there 80% of the time in the morning. I did this for about a month. It took me two years to defend why I abondoned our child. Now, it didn't succeed, but it costs me huge - both in money and effort to fight against the allegations. Unreal.
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Old 03-22-2006, 06:23 AM
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Thanks again. I'm going to have find a lawyer right now I guess. I wasn't thinking about leaveing for my own well being. I just thought I wouldnt be any good to my kids if I was in jail. I'm not an aggressive person at all but the other day I just about popped and came this -><- close to knocking her lights out. I thought that would be really bad idea and it really scared the crap out of me. So I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Anyone know a good lawyer down Windsor area? Our yellow pages has about 40 pages all with lawyers.

Thanks again
Messedup
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