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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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Old 08-14-2015, 12:21 PM
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Default Unwanted pick-up during non-parenting time

50/50 parenting Divorce agreement for D8 and D12

Written agreement that right of first refusal be given to the other parent if we are not able to care for daughters during our scheduled parenting time (work being the most obvious). Only exception to this is when said parent provides a weeks notice that the children will be cared for by a third party who is a family member, or known to the children and with whom the children are comfortable etc etc.

We have happened upon a single day for my daughters to spend a 'spa day' with my significant-other on one of our days together when I am working and she is not (girlfriend of more than five years and living together for two). My daughters are very much excited about the day and are planning the itinerary with my girlfriend.

In the end, my ex, regardless of who is with the girls, refuses to recognize that part of the agreement, and insists that, as their mother, she should always have the right of first refusal. The fact that she doesn't necessarily respect my girlfriend (or anyone else other than herself really.....ok, that was a little snide), doesn't help.

The clause in question is not part of our divorce order, but one set out in a mediated agreement.

What courses of action would be appropriate if my ex threatens to, or does attempt to pick up the children during that time?

No, she has no articulable cause for concern for our daughter's safety with my partner.

I have thoughts about what might be done, but your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you
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Old 08-14-2015, 02:13 PM
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If Mom threatens to pick up the kids, no action is required. The kids are in the care of your long-term partner for a day, your agreement allows you to do this, you don't need to have any more discussion.

If Mom actually tries to pick up the kids, your girlfriend has two alternatives: refuse to let the kids go with Mom, or let them go with Mom. The first has potential for drama and making a big scene, so I think GF should opt for the second, if the situation arises. It sucks and it's rewarding Mom for bad behavior, but the impact of the kids of seeing their mother and their father's girlfriend in open conflict is probably worse, plus Mom is a legal guardian and GF isn't. The clause in your agreement doesn't provide for enforcement, so there's really nothing GF can do. (If the kids were really looking forward to the spa day and Mom ruins it, she'll feel the consequences).

In future, all Mom needs to know is that the kids are in the care of a trusted adult, per your agreement. She doesn't need to know where or what they're doing. If she doesn't know where they are, she can't make a scene.
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Old 08-14-2015, 02:20 PM
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Quote:
She doesn't need to know where or what they're doing. If she doesn't know where they are, she can't make a scene.
Gold, right there.
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Old 08-14-2015, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
Gold, right there.
Yup. Less is much more in most cases.

If you are concerned about the kids letting the cat of the bag early to the ex, become in the habit of making things like this a "surprise".

If your ex ever emails you asking where the kids are during your parenting time, I would ignore. If they persist, I may respond with "They are being cared for by a responsible adult at the moment" and leave it at that.
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Old 08-14-2015, 02:55 PM
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It's odd how much of a hard time I have not telling her freely where our girls are and what it is they are doing. At the same time, I just don't ask, expecting simply that they are going to be safe and sound and I'll see them in a couple of days.

She, on the other hand, persistently wants to know every little detail and I always feel obliged to advise because, if I WERE to want to know, I'd expect her to tell me. Then again, I wouldn't be expecting to use that information to undermine their time with her or someone else she has them spending time with.

Guess I'll have to get over that.

Thanks for the input folks.
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Old 08-14-2015, 04:11 PM
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My ex was like that at the start. Seemed to want to know where I was going, what my D was up to etc. My response was that, as I wasn't taking D out of the country or province, that I do not need to advise, nor require her permission, to schedule activities during my parenting time. That I do not inquire into D's daily activities during the ex's parenting time, and that she provide me with the same courtesy in return. That I would use my reasonable judgment to ensure that D was safe and properly cared for while with me. That should there be an emergency, she has my cell phone to call me.

I must have used the exact same email 4-5 times before the ex got the hint. She still asks here and, but we are on a MUCH better level right now, so I respond, if only with "we may do X, we may do Y. Not sure yet."
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Old 08-14-2015, 05:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trix View Post
50/50 parenting Divorce agreement for D8 and D12

Written agreement that right of first refusal be given to the other parent if we are not able to care for daughters during our scheduled parenting time (work being the most obvious). Only exception to this is when said parent provides a weeks notice that the children will be cared for by a third party who is a family member, or known to the children and with whom the children are comfortable etc etc.

We have happened upon a single day for my daughters to spend a 'spa day' with my significant-other on one of our days together when I am working and she is not (girlfriend of more than five years and living together for two). My daughters are very much excited about the day and are planning the itinerary with my girlfriend.

In the end, my ex, regardless of who is with the girls, refuses to recognize that part of the agreement, and insists that, as their mother, she should always have the right of first refusal. The fact that she doesn't necessarily respect my girlfriend (or anyone else other than herself really.....ok, that was a little snide), doesn't help.

The clause in question is not part of our divorce order, but one set out in a mediated agreement.

What courses of action would be appropriate if my ex threatens to, or does attempt to pick up the children during that time?

No, she has no articulable cause for concern for our daughter's safety with my partner.

I have thoughts about what might be done, but your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you
Right of first refusal doesn't apply here, you are well within your rights to make arrangements for the kids to spend time with your partner, family or their friends during your time. If you were making arrangements for them for the sole purpose of having childcare because you're not available for a length of time that would be different. But this is no different than your partner taking the kids out for the day if you WERE there or your kids going for a sleepover at a friends during your time.

It's none of the ex's business and I would just skip filling her in on your plans when they don't involve or affect her or her time with the kids.
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