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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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Old 02-20-2012, 03:00 PM
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ok, so right now status quo is 3 times a week for 2 hrs and one 3 hr on the weekend. I also work around his schedule (ex. if he has a day off and his mom does...I send daughter over for extra time)...and holidays we split the day in half so far. Daughter is 8 months. Father has supervised access agreed upon in mediation but no court order yet. He has just obtained a lawyer and since, he has been easier to get along with and starting to participate (wants to go to dr's apts, make his own bottles etc). This is all good. However, this was high conflict before the lawyers came along. Him and his family were very disrespectful, and he was aggressive and always yelling at me in front of daughter at drop off and pickups.

The status quo is 3 days a week. I find this amount of contact in a high conflict seperation is way too much. 6 exchanges per week. Because it is status quo does that mean likely when we go to court..they will keep it that way? I would rather work towards longer times but less contact. Work towards every other weekend and a weeknight. Would the courts likely do that? Or will they stick to the status quo?

Also, when a hostile ex gets a lawyer and suddenly starts participating more, and being respectful...what are the chances it will stay that way after court? If we agree to joint custody because we are able to get along...do you think he will just start being a bully again after court is over? I could co-parent with the way he's been the last few days. But before that..he would just disagree for the sake of a fight and we can't co-parent that way.
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Old 02-20-2012, 03:48 PM
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If exchanges are an issue then either pick a neutral (public) exchange spot, have accompanied exchanges with a third party present or make use of a supervised access centre in your area.

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Q.
What is supervised access?
A.
When parents separate, access visits with children may be a problem. Sometimes, difficulties arise at the time of the exchange of the child between parents or between a parent and a relative, such as a grandparent. Other times there may be concerns about the visits themselves. Our supervised access program, called Access for Parents and Children in Ontario (APCO), provides a setting where visits and exchanges can take place under the supervision of trained staff and volunteers. Upon request, we also provide the court and lawyers with copies of our observation reports.
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Old 02-20-2012, 04:45 PM
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It's funny you mention that because....that is what mediation ladies had mentioned. Meet at a neutral spot...or have someone else pick her up. I was all for it...I'd rather not see him regularily. Ex is so difficult that he refused and says I need to drive her and pick her up. He says they aren't going out of their way for me. So, I guess I'm basically stuck with the situation for now. I shouldn't complain, there seem to be way worse situations then ,mine.
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Old 02-20-2012, 05:53 PM
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You're not stuck with anything, you're allowing him to dictate to you. Tell him that due to his high conflict behaviour during exchange you will be using the supervised access centre for exchanges. Let him know when/where for your usual exchange and he can decide whether he will show up.

Unless you have an order that says you will bring the kid to/from him at his residence or whatever he's demanding, he can't prevent you from using a third party service to neutralize the conflict he's creating.
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Old 02-20-2012, 07:48 PM
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Status quo most likely will fall into place... Janedoe...in your other post you stated that you didn't have any issue with him having his 3 days to visit and stated that it would be devastating to go down to 2 visits a month... I hope that you are not allowing your lawyer to create conflict and thus increase their pocket and decreasing yours!

However, if exchanges are difficult, have a third party do exchanges or you... or like suggested use a supervised access centre... I even know people who do their exchange at a police station as they were very high conflict during their divorce.

The way I see it...he should pick up to start his time and you should pick up to start yours... if you both have lawyers, send this suggestion to his lawyer, stating that because of the conflict you want to do exchanges and x,y,z.

Best of luck! Never easy dealing with a controlling ex... but do make sure you control your lawyer, don't allow them to run ramped with your cheque book!
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Old 02-21-2012, 10:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
Status quo most likely will fall into place... Janedoe...in your other post you stated that you didn't have any issue with him having his 3 days to visit and stated that it would be devastating to go down to 2 visits a month... I hope that you are not allowing your lawyer to create conflict and thus increase their pocket and decreasing yours!

It would be terrible to go down to 2 short visits a month. I'm just saying that the conflict every other day for 2-3hr visits. Its too many transfers in my opinion in our situation (because of conflict). If this becomes status quo will this prevent something different from happening eventually like - every other weekend and a weekday? Or will it likely be set in stone these 3 short visits per week? The 2 week days can't be extended due to ex's work schedule. He works nights on fri and sometimes sat.

I didn't mind the 3 days per week, it's just the transfers. I figured eventually we could be civil..but it's been 4 months and not much luck. He's been good the last couple transfers since he got a lawyer though.

However, if exchanges are difficult, have a third party do exchanges or you... or like suggested use a supervised access centre... I even know people who do their exchange at a police station as they were very high conflict during their divorce.

I've tried this, however he refused to have his family member go out of their way for me. He has to be supervised for now..so someone would have to go with him.
Ok I hope the quotations worked this time
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Old 02-22-2012, 11:21 AM
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Janedoe...I feel for you, because at first exchanges with my bf and his ex were hard... she either started crying or started yelling at him in front of the children. This is when I started picking up/dropping off the children, after a few months of ONLY speaking to her via email, the next face to face was very straightforward with no arguing.

You have every right to protect yourself. If he refuses to meet at a different location that is his issue. He will find a way to make it work. You say he has a lawyer, have you tried having your lawyer send his a letter saying something around the lines that because of the difficulties of the exchanges and the action of their client, you are requesting that exchanges take place at x-location and if this does not resolve the issues at exchanges you will be seeking to use an access center.

However, again you state that things have been good since he got a lawyer so maybe his lawyer gave him a kick in the a**?
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Old 02-22-2012, 12:07 PM
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He just got a lawyer so our lawyers haven't spoken yet. I kind of save up all of my questions and concerns for when I meet with my lawyer next to keep my costs low. When she talks to the lawyer, she is going to bring up the fact that exchanges are difficult.

Do you think there is any chance that after all of this we will be able to respect and be friends?
If you don't mind me asking, how often do you do exchanges? I am trying to find out what the most common, or best schedule is. Since my baby is so young, they say frequent visits to keep the bond are the best.
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Old 02-22-2012, 12:15 PM
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That all depends on how mature both of you are...clearly he has some issues hanging over his head, which are making exchanges difficult. Hopefully he will come around and see that it is not in the best interest of the child to be acting like a moron on these exchanges, but that all depends the the personalities of the ones doing the exchanges.

Unfortunately we live 3 hours apart so our exchanges take place only every other weekend...his children were 1 and 4 when they separated... it started off with him having them every weekend, but they eventually agreed upon every other has she wanted to spend time with them on her time off also (which was fair) Any time she has something to do on her weekend we willingly take them as well as any extra time we can.

I applaud you for wanting him to spend as much time with his child as he can, even when it is difficult for you...this truly shows you are thinking of the child and not of yourself.
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Old 02-22-2012, 12:19 PM
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Janedoe99,
Make your drops offs and pickups quick and painless as possible...keep communication to a mere hello...everything else is like business....email it.

Mine started off painless and then got too nasty for my kids to bare...they were embarassed by his outburts and lack of mutual respect. He has issues
He picks up the kids and makes them walk 7 houses down cause after 2 years he still doesn't know where I live lol! my eldest 13years old got upset and said he wouldn't come out unless he was on "moms" driveway. It's the kids we have to think of...always.
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