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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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Old 01-17-2011, 03:11 PM
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Default Spousal Support Change -Help needed with served document

I went through a very difficult seperation in 2005.
I had been married to a childhood friend and it was a very very long marriage.
In 2004 there was dramatic changes in my spouses behaviour.. as he had started a few years prior, a new Business that was becoming very successful. In 2005, he started to be absent from home for long durations and he rarely called home.. his business files started to mysteriously disappeared from his desk until there were none...
We had heated discussions about his actions but he continued to keep me in the dark about his business and finances. The children saw us argue alot.
Finally in July 2005, I found just one cell phone record in his desk with a strong indication he was having some kind of secret relationship with a woman from CRA.
In his line of work, he had the ability to do underground economy work or take cash from the type of business he was in.. and I had seen him do it in the past.
It was also strange how just one record was left in his desk without any other business files stored..it was like he was trying to drive me to leave the family home. I had lost alot of weight over the months and had sought medical help for the issues. I cna get my documentation from this time.
Shortly post seperation, I was able to retrieve cell phone records back 6 months to discover a daily relationship with a secret friend of many many minutes per day and I realized that I also knew very little about his work and I was not privy to his bank statements and he had password protected me from his computer files... I had a sinking feeling in my gut.
He was also seeing an accountant but would not take my annual return along with his.. He finally gave me one year return and I realized that he was starting to make a very very good salary.
The seperation began.. and I had experienced extensive psychological and financial distress as he was often absent and then when home he was accusative and verbally abusive ..strongly indicating he was not happy and did not want me in his life. We had been grade school friends and our parents resided on the same street. For several moths pre and psot spereration, I felt I was experiencing a nightmare.

I sought legal help immediatley but I also spent many months in therapy trying to understand the behaviour of narcissism. I had known this man since childhood and had been very much affected by his mental and financial abuse towards me over time. It is hard to recognize abuse when you have been in it for so long and from so young and I now had two adult children as well. I worried for my children's mental health too..
They lived with me while seperated while their dad rented a bungalow down the street.. It was the home of a Business associate and had perks with a pool, but he did not want his kids with him. In the baby days, I had given up 5 years of my work for child rearing and later on I also gave up a career advancement... as my husband would not move with me to my new proposed job location in West canada.. I declined my new job and lost opportunity to advance to keep my family together.

On my journey to seek help.. I experienced much difficulty with the legal aid I sought. This was new to me and no one wanted to zero in on thepossibility of illegal business activities and no one focused on his abuse.. I ended up settling for less than I could have in court as things dragged on for two years.
He did not want to give me Spousal from day one and he kept dragging the final signing. He is a wheeler dealer person who always finds some person to barter or deal wtih, this is his nature.

He also desperately wanted the family home, though I begged him to sell it. He now resides there. It was a new home that I found and redesigned when at my first suggestion to move there, it took three years to convince him to do so.... I think control is another of his big needs..
It was my dream home and he got it. I could not afford to buy it but he could.. I think most women go backwards even though Spousal is designed to assist with this..The second week on the home acquisition in 2007, he had a hottub installed. Yes, he could maintain his lifestyle. He never took the kids in.. ever, but I have.
I ended up taking a lower Spousal amount than Chequemate calculated, but I really needed to move on after two years for my mental and phsyical wellbeing. I moved to a modest single home at half the value of my previous residence located in the country. Then I had to commute an hour each day to work. I bought what I could afford and I could not buy a single in the city at this price.
Now...From the initial Spousal signing in 2007, my Ex has been deliquent on several items in the Agreement and to date he has not fufilled four of his obligations to our legal signing. Since 2007, he has contacted me regularly with excuses to either lower on stop the payments.. It has been harassment, persistent and neverending and the payments have not always on time and lower as he sees fit.. I have been with FRO from the start but very little has been done for me by the provincial agency. I sent them an affadavit in July regarding arrears and months later..they had not taken action.

Before Christmas I received a letter form my Exs lawyer with a two week ultimatum to stop Spousal and to change the Agreement to his liking even though my Ex has been in arrears for a year now... The letter focused on ME not moving on with my life.. although I had to move from my family home and community and gym (after 10 years )and my Ex kept his old neighbourhood and friends.... This is psychological abuse again.. blaming me for what he wants.
I have started over, I do volunteer Community work and I focus on new ways to make my life better in value that is not based on money, but my Ex DOES have a legal obligation to meet and he is twisting the truth like he always has to suit his selfish needs.

This week I was served a document. In it he finally disclosed three years of his CRA filings, which I had asked for annually. I realized now he had made an extremely good salary for several years and that he did not want me to know. Now, he is going to use sickness and disability to prove he is making the same salary as I am and now he wants to retire.
It is again a continuation of his behaviour that I must deal with.. He has written innuendos in his served papers about my private post life and accuses me of his taking on debt to 'pay' me his equalization. It is too twisted to think about, yet I brought in a salary and he got the family home.. it is too much.. I suspect he is trying to push and push me again..so I will back down and turn off the spousal payment. Again psychological abuse.

I am a good, woman with a strong set of values and deep love for my children.. He uses this to win and he still manipulates the children when he is theri presence.. Oftenthey don't see it..it takes an expert to amke you realize the consequences of dealing with persons with these disorders.He believes he is entitled to more and now has a very very rich girlfriend. Go figure life..I have asked him many times to split the divorce cost but it falls on deaf ears..
Instead he sends me a letter that I should move on with my life.. I believe he wants me to solely pay for the Divoce papers.

I need to stand up for my rights as a woman and mother and to stop this abuse that is projected on me by him.. this will never stop unless he is told by a judge what respect I deserve financially and emotionally.. I need very good help.. a lawyer who can exceptionally manage this type of individual with all his convoluted versions and lies.. that is what it will take. I have often wanted to just walk away, perhaps life is too short. I must live with my decision but then he will get his way and justice will not be served.. He thinks he is above the law.
I have moved on and have met a very nice man, who treats me with the utmost respect.. but my Ex has a responsiibility to our life together of 28 years. My Ex had a secret girlfriend from CRA during our married life and made an exceptioanl salary and I helped him start his business...... I have all the details and paperwork stored that verifies and confirms my story and the cell phone records too.. The CRA lady got quickly out of his life.. maybe she was worried about her job. I think she was doing accounting work entries on the side but they never disclosed to me what the nature of their contact was..he called her at her work and home almost daily..
Also in my basement of my home... there was a very elaborate telephone system setup on one wall.. I never knew what this was for.. and he probably needed it for his work and that is why he was pushing to take the family home.. though he still resides there.
Now, I am being taken to court to be accused of falsehoods.Please, give me some good advice on how to proceed. I have thirty days to defer my court date and I need to focus on what is relevant to this story..
I would take a buyout and ask for my divorce papers paid.. Do I have a chance to win at this and for a judge to truly recognize my Ex's behaviour and his ability to lie and to not dislose truthfully. He is the best liar.. and he will if it means a win...

He has continually told our children he 'pays' me and this is so wrong to imply. He inquires about my life, then uses the information to suit his needs. I deserved the Equalization and Spousal after 28 years of life together. This is so damaging to the relationship between me and my children afer all the years of dscord together and for some reason they are often swayed by his version of things. He is the ultimate manipulator. It is actually emotional and mental abuse of my children designed to hurt me. When will it stop and how do I do that??? I need expert advice.
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Old 01-17-2011, 03:54 PM
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Bit of tough love, take this with a grain of salt please.....

Too much drama, not enough relevant info.

His possible affair is immaterial and will most likely not increase or decrease any SS awarded.

His actions, however perceived by you, are immaterial and will most likely not increase or decrease any SS awarded.

The fact that you had to move out of the family home will most likely not increase or decrease any SS awarded. He would have had to have bought you out at the fair market value. So that you had to move (notwithstanding how much you say you loved the house, as your love for it apparently had a $$ figure attached) doesn't change anything and that you had to move on with your life (and GASP had to change GYMS!!!!) makes no difference. In marriage, and as in divorce, all parties have to accept that their lives are no longer the same as before and move on.

Seriously what matters here are the numbers. You may have found records of money made during the marriage. A court would have to look at those numbers and then look at what you are currently receiving in SS and determine if the numbers you/the court relied upon when agreeing or determining SS were grossely misrepresented. If his income now has been reduced, he will have to prove that paying you the agreed or ordered amount will cause him undue hardship.

You do have an obligation to support yourself. If you are currently unemployed a court could and should impute your income to an amount equal to your earning potential. Meaning if you have a degree in something, what is the amount a person with that skill set makes? If you have no skill set, then at a minimum your income would be imputed to fulltime minimum wage. The entitlement you feel to him supporting you for the rest of your life goes hand and hand with your obligation to find the means to also support yourself. You didn't mention in your post whether you worked during the relationship or if you are working now.

You would be best to speak to a lawyer and keep to the relevant information, like the numbers because everything relating to your ex is irrelevant and you will only be paying your lawyer to listen to matters which they cannot address.

As for your kids and yourself, I suggest seeking counselling on how to deal with the issues you've stated. Learn coping mechanisms for your ex etc. Also, see if your kids will attend counselling so you can communicate with them in a neutral place.
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Old 01-17-2011, 04:18 PM
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I did work and I still work.. and I do NOT expect him to support me for the rest of my life.. If my EX can serve me papers detailing irrevelant information about my post life.. then he needs to help focus on the actual number facts not me.... because that is what matters.

I have spent much time in therapy.. mucho time..... and then what happens next year when his mysterious illness vaporizes. He hasn't paid much Spousal to date.. but he made $150,000 for two years in a row and Spousal is $1000... $500 below the minimum chequemate value. I make less than $70,00 and I gave up going to an International Level Four Lab because he would not move.. My career was on hold for the first five years of my children's life and I had to move department to find work after giving up my .. and I babysat kids on the block in the early years just to put food on my table. I was never deliquent or cruel.. The 'gym' thing means I gave up a substantially important part of my daily life..there is no gym where I live.. and I have been exercising regularly for health reasons since my children were yong. My EX is accusing me of not getting on with my life in the served papers.. I think I have moved on and given up alot..... and he has a responsibility to pay for a period of time when his wages are much higher and I always made less.. Think about the lady..she was with CRA..an auditor... there was behind the scenes business going on .. she could tell him how to hide things..she had the expertise..but the business was ours by marriage... not hers.. I could care less what ever else he was doing with her.. I will drop the drama.. I was the person holding his Mother's hand when she died.. and no one else. Life is about respect and caring.. and not deceit.
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Old 01-17-2011, 04:36 PM
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Just to confirm something was your income $7,000 or $70,000? It makes a big difference.

If you can prove he hid funds then you have an argument to have your agreement set aside. But you have to have proof, because his relationship with a CRA auditor will have about as much bearing as if he was drinking buddies with an accountant. Yeah, they may have given advice but unless you have proof of his misrepresentation of income, your argument won't go anywhere

Last edited by HammerDad; 01-17-2011 at 04:41 PM.
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Old 01-17-2011, 05:06 PM
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I'm sorry to say but for someone who has spent two years in the court system, you don't appear to have a very good handle on what's relevant and what's not.
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Old 01-17-2011, 05:07 PM
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My salary now is about $70,000. I work for the federal government.

When we had Chequemate calculated he was to pay minimum of $1500 by the judges suggestion at our first court hearing.... I settled out of court.. I was $20,000 in debt... so I asked for $1000.. and I was more than fair with him.. He went on to make $150,000 for the next two years and the following year $90,000 now conveniently his projected salary is the exact same as mine.. I wonder if his CRA friend accesses files.. Not to mention he will retire.. yea right..

My Ex has his fingers into many many things..if he made $150,00 it is probably $250,000.. He had so many contacts that it is impossible to get the real truth of the underground economy. His best friend of 20 years was this Middle est wheeler dealer..
Anyway.. I expected maybe 5 years of support to get by and back on my feet, as I moved backwards in my lifestyle, but he did not.. Always the story after a very long term marriage.
His present girlfriend has a million dollar cottage.. and she is alos a successful entrepreur. I could care less about her too.. but I hope she gets a prenup...Now, that is drama.. Very good for him I would say.. but a leopard never changes his spots.. just hides better in the forest and learns how to catch his prey better over time and with practise..

I actually figure,.. I don't have a hope in hell to beat this pathological liar.. The law is not really designed to help good people, especially women and serve justice correctly.... I can't lie if my life depended on it. I look like a lit up Christmas tree when I do....so I expect I will get battered like my last time in court. It really was humiliating .. my Ex has a bottom feeder lawyer.. he knows them well and how to twist the sentiment, so we can feel Sorry for my Exs woes and health... I just hang on to the memory that my Mother-in-law loved me like a daughter and she was a decent woman.. who would never understand this legal situation. My Ex may not have loved me.. but I do deserve justice and respect.. and he needs to follow the legal document he signed. He has currently defaulted on 4 items, not just the Spousal payment.. he is victimizing me by lying.... plain and simple.. No one held a gun to his head to sign in July 2007... but he just defaults as he please... The agreement is not worth the paper it is written on.. It really was waste of money.. it can't even be enforced by FRO. Now, his lawyer is twisting the truth to make it about me.. now, that is truly sick.
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Old 01-17-2011, 05:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaM View Post
The law is not really designed to help good people, especially women and serve justice correctly....
Give me a break. You are going to get crucified by the Dad's here that think hugely otherwise.
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Old 01-17-2011, 05:18 PM
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Given your income of ~$70k and his average income of $130k (giving the 150+150+90=390/3=130) you are past the threshold of 45% of Net Disposable Income. Your entitlement to SS would be limited. Even if I gave him $150k each year, you are still past the 45% NDI threshold. That is not taking into consideration any compensation he gave you when he bought you out of the house.

With SS there is a needs vs means test. With your income your need for SS to support yourself is limited. However, he does have the means to pay extra on top. Personally $1000 a month to $1500 a month doesn't really upset me.

Your issue with your lifestyle going backwards is to me, a non-issue. What did you expect would happen when all the sudden the two of you were no longer contributing to the same household? With divorce, this is what happens. Individuals are forced into having changes in their lifestyles. We are not entitled to maintain the exact same lifestyle as before. You may believe he has? Well, maybe he worked hard to ensure he could post divorce.

There is no "entitlement" post divorce for Person A to maintain Person B's exact lifestyle. If anything SS would only be to keep the lifestyle similar.....
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Old 01-17-2011, 07:20 PM
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You really need to reread the Spousal agreement about long term marriages and your calculations are off. I don't think that $1000 would upset you as you are not the recipient.. and I never complained about taking $1000 either... I actually lowered the amount in 2009 for awhile,, but he would not give me his yearly CRA filings as written in the Agreement. I told him I needed the proof as requested.. I finally got it with the served papers.. yes, he is controlling..only send it when it matches mine.. I think you are way off base.. about me.
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Old 01-17-2011, 07:28 PM
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Quote:
I wonder if his CRA friend accesses files
Highly doubtful. CRA is designed so that the region serviced by a specific tax center is NOT the same region where the tax center resides. (so an Ontario center would never handle ANYTHING from an Ontario resident, etc).

Most of your post is fluff...it's not relevant. Sad, yes. Relevant no.

150,000 to 70,000 you don't qualify for spousal. Maybe you did then, but you sure don't now. You are in the (very) small percentage of women who didn't fair as well as they could have in the current court system.

To say you are a minority in that regards is an understatement in the extreme.

You settled out of court. You didn't have to. IF you had of stuck to your guns and pushed forward, you would have wound up with further funding.

You should have made out ok on equalization, if he owned his own business and you helped him start it or supported him, you would have a claim to ownership that you should have pursued.

If you didn't, well, that's why you had independent legal advice. You may regret "going easy on him" now, but it's a bit late for that. If he's at retirement age, why shouldn't he retire? Do you expect him to work forever just to continue paying you Spousal?

You have gotten on your feet and gotten a decent paying job since your separation, good for you. However it also gives him grounds to terminate or drastically reduce spousal. His wanting to retire would be a material change and his new lower income, coupled with YOUR new income would mean that he's well within his rights to ask for it to be reviewed.
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