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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 10-03-2017, 09:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Ange71727 View Post
I agree with you. I'm not going to deny the kids this opportunity. I wouldn't do that. I just don't agree with him demanding full carte blanche to plan it whenever he wants and zero makeup time for me. That will be a disaster because he's as much about controlling everything/screwing me over as he is looking out for the kids' best interests. Probably less about the latter.
I think I will tell him that we can negotiate and "mutually agree upon" the week he takes for this wedding; however, it will come with mutually agreed upon makeup time for me. Fair's fair.
Keep in mind he isn't even engaged yet. He needs to make it to he wedding without cheating on this girlfriend first.


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You and your ex are going to mutually agree upon the week he marries his wife?! OMG you make my partners ex wife seem like a walk in the park! How ass backwards... I'm out.


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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 10-03-2017, 09:49 PM
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Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
Oh no I wasnt saying refuse him. His language is bs because you know with his personality he would be all "im getting married next week give me the kids". Most agreements have a vacation clause in them that is somewhat broad but reasonable. As in "both parties will have the right to two weeks vacation per year outside the parenting schedule per year and regular schedule school vacations (ie christmas, march break and summer)" or something to that effect.

Ange your lawyer (which will cost you) should be able to word this accordingly but make sure it has "reasonable notice" "as agreed" and "outside regular parenting schedule". I dont really get why he needs to have a permanent agreement that breaks down a wedding in it. Most agreements have vacation language in them that would cover what hes asking for.

Eta: my partners agreement has a clause similar to "both parents will be permitted to take the children on a vacation no less than 72 hours and not longer than two weeks outside the regular access schedule as agreed upon" with additional notes that it is to be agreed on with reasonable time, not impacting the other parents schedule or vacation and not impacting any major educational or extra curricular activities. The problem was that the ex has about 15 weeks vacation per year and always books the kids time in early january so theres no time left for my partner. When he attempted to fight it she pulled the "lets let the kids decide" and we all know how that went.


Yes I also don't understand why this needs to be written in the agreement. Perhaps we can just do some kind of "in writing" deal on the side where we address the fact that if he wants a week, I can also have a week. With all the lawyer-y way of wording it that you've suggested.



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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 10-03-2017, 09:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Janus View Post
How many times is he going to get married?

"For father's first marriage, father can have the kids for a week provided that he gives at least 120 days notice. Subsequent marriages will not be accommodated in any way."

I like Rockscan's idea to tying his demand to other stuff that you want. He can have A, as long as you get B.


I love the "subsequent marriages" clause!! Oh that's good.



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  #24 (permalink)  
Old 10-03-2017, 10:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
My husband and I married two years ago... we did well planning things for our weekends, I don't think we had to request extra time at all, other than we took the kids on our honeymoon with us so had an extra week with them.

I just want to say that denying the kids his opportunity will only backfire on you. What a great opportunity for them to be involved in the wedding AND get a sunny vacation out of it! That is awesome for them. My step kids were so excited for our wedding and we do not regret bringing them on our honeymoon. They still talk about the experience they had.

It has been said many times on this forum that if you have an unreasonable ex make sure your agreement is as black and white as possible. Having something like this in an agreement isn't a bad thing but his wording isn't reasonable. It also isn't reasonable to request he only have his destination wedding during July or August during the weeks he has the kids. Most destinations weddings are during the winter months as that's when most sunny destinations are wanted.

You need to find a common ground and work with him on this. Make up time, X amount of notice, itinerary, he to pay for all costs associated, etc.


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I also wanted to add that most people do as you did Berner, you "did well planning things for your weekends". I also did this when it came to my wedding. My ex will relish in the chance to deny my time and will make sure that it impacts me in any way he can. This is why the agreement is literally now spelled out to the most minute details. And why I can't wait for it to be in effect!!
Do I really want to be like this? Or have this tit for tat existence with him? Nope. I'm a laid back person who doesn't have conflicts. However, I'm also (trying hard to be) not a pushover and letting him dictate things. This weekend the kids really wanted to go to a local event with their brother, me and stepdad. It is two years in a row now that they haven't been able to attend because of the parenting schedule. They were told they couldn't attend because it was mom's weekend. They were almost in tears when I picked them up Sunday. They had even asked him if they could have a different day with him to make up for it. He said no and instead brought them to his own sports practise to watch on the sidelines. They're already seeing these things and it's sad. I don't doubt that they love him but they're already figuring out that this kind of bs occurs with dad, which is pretty crappy for the kids.
I am certainly not going to deny them the chance to go to a new, fun place to watch their dad get married. I am going to insist that I have a say as to timing and can makeup the time when it fits for both families.


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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 10-04-2017, 01:23 AM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
You are merely in the unenviable position of having to deal with a high-conflict individual who expects you to agree to his every whim.

Weddings, births, deaths, graduations (to name just a few) are all life events. As a parent you have the right to determine if your children should participate in these events.
Love the double standard there. Her ex is the high conflict controlling individual though she is the one determining that the children can't attend their own fathers wedding. She's not high conflict or controlling at all, not a single bit.

I don't think there would be any issues. He would have to give you minimum 6 months notice (given people usually plan their weddings that far ahead) and so you would know ahead of time if you are going to take your children to Disney or not on that week he wants.

Janus is right on the point here. This is likely a ONE time thing. It's going to happen once in the next decade and it's not going to be a yearly crisis for you. I'm sure he will make better decision about his next wife after what his first one did, and is doing to him. YOU want to have MY kids on YOUR wedding? Yeah RIGHT!! YOU can have them every other weekend from Friday at 5:23:45 PM and return them on Sunday at 6:12:32 PM and see them every Wednesday for NO MORE than 15 MINUTES.

Last edited by trinton; 10-04-2017 at 01:28 AM.
  #26 (permalink)  
Old 10-04-2017, 01:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
How many times is he going to get married?

"For father's first marriage, father can have the kids for a week provided that he gives at least 120 days notice. Subsequent marriages will not be accommodated in any way."

I like Rockscan's idea to tying his demand to other stuff that you want. He can have A, as long as you get B.
That may be an order that would fly against a father, but I could never see such order flying against a mom. LOL
  #27 (permalink)  
Old 10-04-2017, 01:41 AM
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I would agree to it. Its not that big of a deal. Sometimes it is necessary to go to a special event on other parents time for a one off event. My ex will miss a few days with kids becasue I am taking them to a wedding out of town. I cant change the date of the wedding. Even for ex own wedding, I wouldnt make a big deal out of it. It will only be perceived by others as you being unreasonable to let kids attend own parents wedding. Not a hill to die on
  #28 (permalink)  
Old 10-04-2017, 05:47 AM
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Originally Posted by denbigh View Post
I would agree to it. Its not that big of a deal. Sometimes it is necessary to go to a special event on other parents time for a one off event. My ex will miss a few days with kids becasue I am taking them to a wedding out of town. I cant change the date of the wedding. Even for ex own wedding, I wouldnt make a big deal out of it. It will only be perceived by others as you being unreasonable to let kids attend own parents wedding. Not a hill to die on


The issue is not whether I'm going to agree to it or not. The issue is whether he should get to schedule it on my time, on whatever days he'd like, with no makeup time for me. Of course the kids will go. I just want to clear up the language in the clause.


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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 10-04-2017, 05:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trinton View Post
Love the double standard there. Her ex is the high conflict controlling individual though she is the one determining that the children can't attend their own fathers wedding. She's not high conflict or controlling at all, not a single bit.

I don't think there would be any issues. He would have to give you minimum 6 months notice (given people usually plan their weddings that far ahead) and so you would know ahead of time if you are going to take your children to Disney or not on that week he wants.

Janus is right on the point here. This is likely a ONE time thing. It's going to happen once in the next decade and it's not going to be a yearly crisis for you. I'm sure he will make better decision about his next wife after what his first one did, and is doing to him. YOU want to have MY kids on YOUR wedding? Yeah RIGHT!! YOU can have them every other weekend from Friday at 5:23:45 PM and return them on Sunday at 6:12:32 PM and see them every Wednesday for NO MORE than 15 MINUTES.


You lose all credibility when you make statements like "she is the one determining that the children can't attend". Really? I've said that?
Reading the posts helps before you comment on something.


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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 10-04-2017, 10:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ange71727 View Post
The issue is not whether I'm going to agree to it or not. The issue is whether he should get to schedule it on my time, on whatever days he'd like, with no makeup time for me. Of course the kids will go. I just want to clear up the language in the clause.


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I wouldn't be concerned about it being on your time seeing as you have majority of time the fact is it will probably be on some of your days. No big deal. Just make sure you get make up time. I still think you should word it around a one week vacation per year outside the standard schedule. You have to remember there may be times you need to have the children on his days so you can't always have "your" and "his" days.

If you guys practiced week about year round I would say he can absolutely plan for his week with the children but to my understanding that's not the schedule you have so it's not as easy to plan on just his days.


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