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lets move on 05-07-2006 05:16 PM

question about child safety in the ex's home
Hello fellow divorcees...i need some 1 year old is lactose intolerant so obviously he needs lactose free milk....well i have a very strong suspicion from recent emails and visits to the doctor that my ex is actually giving him milk....i would like to have a home assesment completed of his home to see, but my lawyer won't help me with this basically due to my lawyer is legal aid and he wants a quick and easy divorce in order to clear the case....i need to know what i can do about this....there are also clear signs of sexual abuse with 2 of his children from another marriage. Help...

lets move on.

Grace 05-07-2006 06:29 PM


Originally Posted by lets move on
there are also clear signs of sexual abuse with 2 of his children from another marriage. Help...

lets move on.

I urge you to contact the nearest CAS (Children's Aid Socitey) and report this abuse. They will also be able to conduct a home assessment.

You can find contact info here:

logicalvelocity 05-08-2006 12:38 AM

lets move on,

From what you mentioned,

"i have a very strong suspicion from recent emails and visits to the doctor that my ex is actually giving him milk...." What does the Doctor think? I would verify that this is indeed the situation that is occurring. Get yourself hard evidence. If the child is being feed regular milk, would the child not have an allergic reaction? Is the reaction severe. Does the child carry an epi-pen?

To give yourself a piece of mind,you could also supply the lactose free milk to be sure that the child is given the dairy product of your choice.

An independent home assessment? You could request the involvement of the office of the children's lawyer, they will conduct a parental assessment. However, since the child is one years of age, they may not act as the child is unable to communicate. It doesn't hurt to try to get this ordered by the court.

As far as your concerns in regards to sexual abuse of other children; Before you make this allegation get yourself hard evidence first. If you allegation is determined to be unfounded, your credibility with the court will go out the window. Calling in outside agencies on hearsay such as the children's aid society to investigate sexual abuse is quite serious. If the allegation is proved to be unfounded and the CAS subsequently closes the file, You may have some explaining to do to the court.

Divorcemanagement 05-08-2006 09:17 AM

I would have to echo Logicalvelocity's posting. It's really important to remember that "there's what you know (or think you know) about your former spouse and what you can prove". If you can't prove it, and you make an allegation it will often blow up in your face and impact your credibility with divorce decision makers.

Involving social services in your case can also backfire and/or complicate your dispute immeasurabley. First off, they get calls every day from men and women involved in custody disputes - one the the first questions they ask you when you call is, "are you involved in a custody dispute".

Go to the doctor - is your child showing signs of having consumed milk products? If so, that's your starting point. Never assume without proof that you are right in a dispute. It can backfire in a very negative way.

Grace 05-08-2006 11:36 AM

The sad fact is that one girl in four is sexually abused before the age of 18. For boys, the odds are 1-in-8. The average age of child sexual abuse: eleven, although some child molesters have been known to strike upon children much younger. This is one of the most unreported crimes because of the embarrassment and shame it causes the victims when they come forward. Most do not and keep the "secret" for fear of not being believed.

Some say it would terrible to destroy the reputation of an adult in case he/she were not guilty. I think it is more terrible to abandon a child to be victimized.

I believe if you have any suspicions it should be reported and dealt with the authorities. They have training in weeding out the false allegations, especially when it comes to custody cases.

Jenny 05-08-2006 12:07 PM

Grace is right.

You have a responsibility to report this. You can do it in a way that you don't come off as a vindictive ex "using the abuse card". But you MUST report it. Be factual and honest. They can sort it out. While it might not be the ex sexually abusing his children someone else might be as well - the protective services need to know this.

I am in a profession that has mandatory reporting and I myself have reported suspicions in both my professional life and in my personal life. I could lose my license but also my self respect if i didn't do this.

But hey... What do i know. If you guys are comfortable with just suspecting abuse and not reporting it because it might hurt your case , I am sorry for the state of the world. No wonder we have so many girls and boys being hurt.

sherif28 05-08-2006 01:42 PM

Jenny and Grace are absolutly right!!!!

If this is suspected then you MUST report it to the appropriate authorities.
What does being in a custody dispute have anything to do with ignoring the possibility of a child being harmed? Protecting our children is number one priority, not worrying about how it could affect your case!!

Gosh forbid anybody who would choose "what they may look like it court" or their "case" over the safety of their child.

logicalvelocity 05-08-2006 02:59 PM

lets move on,

you mentioned,

"there are also clear signs of sexual abuse with 2 of his children from another marriage."

I have to ask what are the clear signs? Has there been any previous involvement of the CAS in regards to these other children? Have these other children openly acknowledged to being abused by this individual? Do you not think that the mother of these two children might have some tribulations or awareness of what is going on. Have you considered speaking to her.

All I am saying is, that if the allegation is investigated, proven to be unfounded, the person making the unfounded allegation will have very little credibility left with the court. The courts could also give this conduct great weight especially in custody situations on their own ability to act as a parent to a child. The courts would consider this conduct inappropriate.

I agree 100% that if you have rock solid proof, then yes indeed go ahead and call the CAS.

Ultimately the decision to call is up to you to make the call, The CAS is going to want to interview yourself extensively as to how you came to the conclusion of "clear signs"

Once a file is started with the CAS, they may claim to close it, but keep in mind, the history of the file is still there, so in essence it is never ever closed.


Jenny 05-08-2006 03:12 PM

As a nurse I don't have to have rock solid proof- and really who ever does? It is CAS's job to sort this out.

LV- what do you consider rock solid proof? I wouldn't personally ever wait until I had rock solid proof and if i did - personally I think I should be charged with a crime at that point. Ignoring it is almost as bad as the actual crime imo

I think that NOT reporting potential abuse is the far greater sin than reporting something that gets tossed out.

There are ways of doing it that aren't going to bite you in the butt. Report objective things as opposed to subjective signs. Examine your motives, look at why you didn't question this before you broke up - was it rose coloured glasses or something else?

Divorcemanagement 05-08-2006 03:12 PM

There is a significant difference between "he/she may be doing something inappropriate" and "he/she is doing something appropriate". So naturally it's a concern as to how not having correct information may negatively impact your case. I don't think anyone is saying not to report it, but if you feel compelled to report it, ensure that you have something that is more than an assumption.

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