OCL Request & Dening Access Questions

[Mess]

If two parents get along and trust each other, it is really easy for them to work out swapping an evening when one has to be out working. If they don't get along and don't trust each other, then parent A will see the argument as being Parent B trying to take as much custody and control away at any opportunity; Parent B sees it as Parent A denying possible access. Tempers are high, emotions cloud the judgement. In this kind of situation it's easy to sit here and type "Well of course they should trade off an evening when he's away at work" but it's just not going to happen.

Conflict takes two, and it is maintained by two.

MamaDM isn't actually clear, or I missed it, but I don't think they have shared custody. They have joint legal, and the principal residence seems to be with dad and step mom, and I understand that came about in part because MamaDM was injured and unable to care for them. However MamaDM please correct me there if I am wrong.

That being said, when the kids are with Dad, it is up to him to make day-to-day decisions. There obviously isn't a right-of-first-refusal clause in their agreement. I can say that if my ex calls up and makes a friendly suggestion it is one thing, but if we are having a heated argument it is something else. Same circumstances, different response from me. It's not perfect, I'm not perfect, he's not perfect, none of us are.

[MamaDM]

Rioe has actually hit the nail on the head as far as my points that I was trying to get across. The children are 13 mature and 11 not mature.

I'm not a lawyer and I don't get all of this obviously. Like everyone else I'm lost in it all. I am not looking to take 100% time away from dad (never have) or have the new spouse completely uninvolved during dad's custody time. I would honestly like not to have to prove her or him unfit and have at no time made that vocal in court. I was merely answering your question here as to why. My biggest why is that the children don't wish to spend time with her. They feel dad is pushing it. As to availability, I am a stay at home mom running a home day care. Because of such I am available 24/7 for my children for trips etc at any time despite my job. No dad isn't available all the time and is away a lot on work apparently. Which is why they should be with me while he's gone and vice versa should that occur.

I think if they are not with him they should be with me as their parent but he sees it, I believe, as giving me more which is childish when it comes to their care and well being. I would certainly have them with him in my absense. A third party should have them only in both of our absenses and agreement, I believe. We are ordered to make decisions together yet we in no way trust each other given our history. We do need to learn how to communicate and cooperate as parents only for our girls.

All of this is not in any way covered in our custoday and final order. Mediation has failed as he is unbending to what he wants. I'm the one giving solutions which he throws back as unacceptable because it's not what he wants. Even Lawyers and mediators say these are proven ideas and there are simple easy solutions to all of this but we just aren't seeing or agreeing. He discounts what his children want to make them happy which is not to exclude him in any way. Our final order is way outdated now that the children are older and needs an entire overhaul. There have been major changes in circumstances which need to be adressed and police invovlement is not helping. My suggestions have come from what I've read in how to mediate a case and get along with an ex in a joint custody situation for what's fair for the children as they develop.

He wasn't married to this new spouse at the time of the order. He is now so obviously we have to find our way through that portion in addition to trying to come to a compromise that's best for the kids custody, lives and wishes they are expressing. Things are getting very much worse and solutions need to be found soon to assist these children to have a semi normal development and not cloud their future relationships with parents, family and potential mates. I'm just looking for answers to help reach that goal.

What is this right of first refusal thing you all keep saying about? Is it an option that can be put into another custody order? Does it or has it worked well for kids in other situations?

None of us are perfect and this stuff doesn't come with a manual. I'm not saying it's all his fault and I'm not saying it's all mine. We are both responsible for what has occured in our lives. What I am saying is that there are alternate options that will result in better lives for our children. I'm not here to make his life better or mine for that matter. I'm here to make things better for my kids anyway I can while showing them a stronger female role model.

I just require help in finding the proper solutions and trails to obtaining them, hopefully more quickly than not. For now we have case conference and then motion following that along with my complete variation of final order motion and any others I will have to file. I'd rather not.

[dadtotheend]

Originally Posted by MamaDM

As well I need to separately request that the new wife of the ex be dennied access to the children and attending functions school, extra curricular etc.

No offence (honestly) but your first post gives the impression you want her entirely removed. I think you may have got off on the wrong foot there.

Originally Posted by MamaDM

Communication has always been and continues to be an issue, yet one that has to be overcome. Basic growing up and moving on needs to be done for both sides I would say.

Suggests joint custody isn't appropriate.

Originally Posted by MamaDM

We are ordered to make decisions together yet we in no way trust each other given our history. We do need to learn how to communicate and cooperate as parents only for our girls.

Again, suggests that joint custody isn't appropriate.

Originally Posted by MamaDM

There have been major changes in circumstances which need to be adressed and police invovlement is not helping.

Police involvement?!?! Charming.

Originally Posted by MamaDM

Things are getting very much worse and solutions need to be found soon to assist these children to have a semi normal development and not cloud their future relationships with parents, family and potential mates.

What a mess.

Originally Posted by MamaDM

What is this right of first refusal thing you all keep saying about? Is it an option that can be put into another custody order? Does it or has it worked well for kids in other situations? .

It means that the parent with whom the children are with is to give the other parent the right of first refusal for care when that parent can't be there. There are several variations and exclusions to this concept. For example our order has a right of first refusal for care except for employment purposes. We once a (ridiculous) right of first refusal regardless of circumstance if the kids couldn't be cared for by a parent for more than 4 hours at a stretch.

In your circumstance it would seem a reasonable compromise would be to give you a right of first refusal when Dad is away on business for longer than (you insert # of hours or days here) at a time.

The trouble is for you two apparently, that reason is not prevailing.

Originally Posted by MamaDM

I'm not saying it's all his fault and I'm not saying it's all mine. We are both responsible for what has occured in our lives.

No one has to tell you who isn't responsible!

Good luck to you and your children.