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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2014, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Serene View Post
I think I am missing something here - what emotional stress? How would the children be emotionally affected by joint or sole custody unless you are arguing or involving the children in this battle?


Be very careful with this as a judge could read this very differently. I realize I don't know you situation at all but we had this very issue come up: Mom said she "advised" dad. Well advising dad and allowing dad to make an informed decision are two very different things.

And letting him know before hand - also subjective as that does not mean he was involved as he should be... again I don't know your situation but surface involvement does not constitute real involvement.

Sometimes we talk ourselves a good story and think we are being complacent with advising the other parent. The comments about sparing the kids the emotional burden of this make me think there are pieces of the puzzle missing.
[/QUOTE]I think I am missing something here - what emotional stress? How would the children be emotionally affected by joint or sole custody unless you are arguing or involving the children in this battle?[QUOTE]

The ex has involved the children, telling them I can't care for them and that they won't see me anymore, I have asked him on a number of occasions to stop involving our children in adult situations and conversations but he will not stop.

I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, I involve him and keep him informed about everything, most times it results in a push back or like our latest and I had posted about it before, I had scheduled our son with his therapist an appointment (I told him of it a week before the appointment) he did not agree with me taking him to the therapist who he has already been too, insisting that our son must now see the school therapist, he went over my head and told the therapist that I was only making the appointment for court and that our son was already seeing the therapist at school (he was not at the time, and as far as I know he is now a wait list) the therapist canceled the appointment not wanting to get involved with a court matter, even after I said it was not about court and I was willing to sign anything stating that it could not be used in court. You'd think our son seeing the therapist he has seen in the past wouldn't be an issue, but again nothing but push back, resulting in our son having to wait for therapy that he needs due to the things he's hearing and that he should not be exposed to.
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Old 03-18-2014, 11:18 AM
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I think I am missing something here - what emotional stress? How would the children be emotionally affected by joint or sole custody unless you are arguing or involving the children in this battle?
Quote:

The ex has involved the children, telling them I can't care for them and that they won't see me anymore, I have asked him on a number of occasions to stop involving our children in adult situations and conversations but he will not stop.

I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, I involve him and keep him informed about everything, most times it results in a push back or like our latest and I had posted about it before, I had scheduled our son with his therapist an appointment (I told him of it a week before the appointment) he did not agree with me taking him to the therapist who he has already been too, insisting that our son must now see the school therapist, he went over my head and told the therapist that I was only making the appointment for court and that our son was already seeing the therapist at school (he was not at the time, and as far as I know he is now a wait list) the therapist canceled the appointment not wanting to get involved with a court matter, even after I said it was not about court and I was willing to sign anything stating that it could not be used in court. You'd think our son seeing the therapist he has seen in the past wouldn't be an issue, but again nothing but push back, resulting in our son having to wait for therapy that he needs due to the things he's hearing and that he should not be exposed to.
We have been over the therapist issue before.

In brief, it should be a joint decision. Always. That doesn't mean either of you pick one, and inform the other. That means working together to find an appropriate one. You accuse him of not agreeing, but you went over his head first. You should apologize and try to move forward in a collaborative way, for the sake of your son who needs help and isn't getting it while you two bicker.
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Old 03-18-2014, 11:22 AM
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I have let it go, I have signed the consent form for our son to get therapy through school, moving on and now we wait. I just want him to get the help he needs.
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Old 03-18-2014, 11:24 AM
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Every school has a therapist? My daughter is in a catholic school.

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Old 03-18-2014, 11:25 AM
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I agree with downtroddendad. You didn't work together. You made a decision and then advised him. That is not in the spirit of joint custody/decision making.
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Old 03-18-2014, 11:30 AM
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I'm not sure if all schools have therapists, just call the school and talk to the receptionist or principle. If the school has one there may be a waiting list.
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Old 03-18-2014, 11:32 AM
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I get it I made the appointment and advised him afterward, I was wrong to assume that it would be fine since he had already been seeing that therapist.
I don't agree with the school therapist since it will only be until school is finished and we have no idea when it will start because of the wait list. But I did not want to continue to argue I just wanted to get him help so I signed the consent form and now we wait.
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Old 03-18-2014, 11:34 AM
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I am just going to give my opinion on this... I know the therapist thing has been talked about in length already but with joint custody, does it REALLY matter if everything is agreed upon in advance? In this situation a therapist had been used in the past and thus was assumed to be the child's therapist. It would be the same as a doctor or dentist, does one parent really need to contact the other parent and ask if they are still okay to use that doctor/dentist? I think that is rather silly. Doesn't seem worth fighting about.

My step kids have some dental work that needs done. It is assumed they will see the same dentist they have in the past. Mom doesn't even really inform my partner of the appointments... as long as the kids are getting looked after that is great. It isn't a joint decision to take the kids to the dentist every time, it is just assumed that because they need this work done, they will be taken to have it done. We would not accuse her of not following the agreement because she didn't inform us before hand... that is creating conflict, rather than working together.

Anyways, back to the original post, keep pushing for shared parenting like you have been doing. Let the ex look like an ass for pursuing sole custody because he is a hot head.
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Old 03-18-2014, 11:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
I am just going to give my opinion on this... I know the therapist thing has been talked about in length already but with joint custody, does it REALLY matter if everything is agreed upon in advance? In this situation a therapist had been used in the past and thus was assumed to be the child's therapist. It would be the same as a doctor or dentist, does one parent really need to contact the other parent and ask if they are still okay to use that doctor/dentist? I think that is rather silly. Doesn't seem worth fighting about.

My step kids have some dental work that needs done. It is assumed they will see the same dentist they have in the past. Mom doesn't even really inform my partner of the appointments... as long as the kids are getting looked after that is great. It isn't a joint decision to take the kids to the dentist every time, it is just assumed that because they need this work done, they will be taken to have it done. We would not accuse her of not following the agreement because she didn't inform us before hand... that is creating conflict, rather than working together.

Anyways, back to the original post, keep pushing for shared parenting like you have been doing. Let the ex look like an ass for pursuing sole custody because he is a hot head.
Making assumptions can always lead to miscommunication.

It happens all the time. It's even more difficult when two people make assumptions when separated.
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Old 03-18-2014, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by FB_ View Post
Making assumptions can always lead to miscommunication.

It happens all the time. It's even more difficult when two people make assumptions when separated.
So are you saying you expect your ex to ask your permission before making a dentist appointment with the same dentist you have used over the years, in the chance you may one day change your mind?

Again, silly and creating conflict if that is what you expect. It is like the whole status quo thing, this has been the norm in the past, why all the sudden would it change?

I guess we are just not up to creating conflict when none has to exist. We have enough drama and this is just one of those, pick your battles type of things.
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