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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2012, 01:44 PM
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Babies can handle being walked down the street in bad weather. What babies and children of any age can't handle is endless conflict between their parents. Stop worrying about who is on top and let go of the competition. Spend the time with your child and enjoy it. You will be amazed at the response of your ex once you let go of your own issues.

I'm not saying you are wrong, it would be great if your ex had any skills at conflict resolution. In such a case, you might not even be split up. You have to work at what you have. Don't be pissed off at the weather because you have to carry an umbrella. Likewise, don't be pissed off at your ex because they are an asshole. Just do what it takes, and what it takes is not fighting, it is stopping the fight.
it also seems like her parents are telling her how she should deal with things. Maybe she is following what they say as she needs a roof over her head?? If they are constantly on her about the father then it would be stressful for her and she is taking it out on him.
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Old 05-19-2012, 01:48 PM
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it also seems like her parents are telling her how she should deal with things. Maybe she is following what they say as she needs a roof over her head?? If they are constantly on her about the father then it would be stressful for her and she is taking it out on him.
That's a very good point and I suspect that to be the case. Her and I have made many verbal and email agreements in a cooperative spirit and then after talking to her parents she has called me frantic and upset saying she "never agreed". Christmas Holidays, my 7 year old's birthday, and now where pickup and drop off are to be, etc.

If they are bullying her, I am not sure what to do. Caving in to their capricious demands might temporarily relieve pressure on her, but I am not convinced that's the best response. I can't see how anyone would view me as unreasonable, picking up and dropping off the baby from her home as agreed in the Consent Order and as we've been doing for 8 months.
  #23 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2012, 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted by singledadoftwogirls View Post
Consent Order of 9/30/11 states that access to my daughter (D2) now 15 months old "pickup and drop off of the child to be at the Respondent's residence".

Because the ex doesn't live near any public facilities except a park, which is a 5 minute walk, what I had done until now is pull up 5-10 minutes early, so as not to be late. I park the car, turn off the ignition, take baby out of her car seat, and bring her on my lap to try to have a nice 5-10 minute conversation before dropping her off.

D2's mom would always come out of the house as soon as she sees my car pull up, frantically waving her arms to get baby's attention. Baby who hasn't seen the other parent for a long time naturally wants to go to the other parent upon sight.

I asked the ex if she would please wait inside until the end of our access time, and she refuses. So now, with the better weather, I park a bit down the street. Then I will walk up to the house with baby when the time has come.

Last Wednesday and Thursday ex offered me extra time - 6 daily hours instead of the 4 hours under the consent order. She is the gatekeeper and all I can do is ask once, and hope she agrees. It's random and she doesn't always respond or agree. Wednesday went really well and I've found some great places for parents to bring little children, which is great for us since I don't have a home in Burnaby.

9AM Thursday she has not brought the baby out as usual, so I walk up and ring the doorbell. I notice a large, overflowing ashtray with cigarette butts, AT GROUND LEVEL. I have seen my daughter playing in this area frequently. I ring the bell and am happy to see my daughter, I am thinking about nothing else except a smooth handover and spending time with her.

Ex is ANGRY. She yells at me and says "you are NOT to be coming to the house! My parents have made it VERY CLEAR you are NOT WELCOME HERE!" I calmly state that the order states pickup and drop off from the house. She says "FINE!!!" and appears to calm down. She hands baby over to me. I then say (probably should have waited until later), would you please keep that ashtray out of reach of the baby? And I point to it. Ex goes crazy and slams the door on us.

I buckle baby into her seat, program GPS for the family place we will be going to, and am about to drive off when the ex comes out of the house and pounds on my car window. I make sure doors are locked and roll down window slightly. She demands I turn D2 back over to her. She says the order says noon to 4, she no longer agrees to 9am to 3pm as she had agreed in the email. I tell her I am keeping baby until 3, and to please step away from the car. She threatens to call the police and then threatens me: "you had better watch your back, (my name)!)

Because she has called the police on me before, I call the local RCMP constable who had dealt with the incident last time. I leave him a voice mail and explain the situation. I send an email to the ex, her lawyer, and my legal secretary. I inform them exactly where we will be and from when, I include a copy of the email agreement for 9-3pm access, and state that any frantic calls to the police or disruption of our visit will not be tolerated. I get no response to this and the remaining 6 hours go very well.

I get back at 3PM and walk baby back up to the house. The ashtray is still there on the floor. I take a photo of it with my phone before ringing the doorbell. Ex is furious that I came to the door again. I simply inform her what baby ate, when she had her nap, and when her last diaper change was, I say goodbye to my daughter, and walk away.

I send an email to the ex, her lawyer and her mother with the photograph of the ashtray. I ask politely that they please not have cigarette butts or any dangerous objects at ground level where the baby plays.

Ex's mom writes me back, copying the ex but not the lawyer. She tells me I ought to choose my battles wisely. She tells me I am not to come to the house for any reason whatsoever, that I am not welcome there, and that I may call my ex on her cell and she can bring the baby to me wherever I am. I reply that I intend to follow the court order of pick up and drop off of my daughter from her home, and that I have never come to her home for any other reason, and that I expect her to keep cigarette butts off the floor where baby plays.

These people have threatened to have me killed before. I think they are more bark than bite, but what's most upsetting is the way they speak to me and about me in front of the baby. Is there anything I should be doing here other than taking notes? Wednesday I am super-dad "worthy" of 4 extra hours of access time, Thursday I am a criminal intruder who had better "watch your back".
I read the last word of the third paragraph and stopped.

You're playing a game by 'chiiling' with your kid for a few minutes (unti exactly whatever o'clock, is my best guess).

Have your important conversation before you get in the car. Go with the flow and make Baby Momma Drama happy by just dropping her off with a kiss.

Not that your point of view is 'wrong'.

But do you want to be 'right', or do you just wanna make all the drama stop?

Set yourself up with something you know irratates her (waving her arms to get childs attenetion.... naturally child is excited.. true and true.But why play the game.)

Honestly, no offense intended, but give yourself a reality check.

How often do you feed the fire?
  #24 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2012, 06:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by singledadoftwogirls View Post
Consent Order of 9/30/11 states that access to my daughter (D2) now 15 months old "pickup and drop off of the child to be at the Respondent's residence".

Because the ex doesn't live near any public facilities except a park, which is a 5 minute walk, what I had done until now is pull up 5-10 minutes early, so as not to be late. I park the car, turn off the ignition, take baby out of her car seat, and bring her on my lap to try to have a nice 5-10 minute conversation before dropping her off.

D2's mom would always come out of the house as soon as she sees my car pull up, frantically waving her arms to get baby's attention. Baby who hasn't seen the other parent for a long time naturally wants to go to the other parent upon sight.

I asked the ex if she would please wait inside until the end of our access time, and she refuses. So now, with the better weather, I park a bit down the street. Then I will walk up to the house with baby when the time has come.

Last Wednesday and Thursday ex offered me extra time - 6 daily hours instead of the 4 hours under the consent order. She is the gatekeeper and all I can do is ask once, and hope she agrees. It's random and she doesn't always respond or agree. Wednesday went really well and I've found some great places for parents to bring little children, which is great for us since I don't have a home in Burnaby.

9AM Thursday she has not brought the baby out as usual, so I walk up and ring the doorbell. I notice a large, overflowing ashtray with cigarette butts, AT GROUND LEVEL. I have seen my daughter playing in this area frequently. I ring the bell and am happy to see my daughter, I am thinking about nothing else except a smooth handover and spending time with her.

Ex is ANGRY. She yells at me and says "you are NOT to be coming to the house! My parents have made it VERY CLEAR you are NOT WELCOME HERE!" I calmly state that the order states pickup and drop off from the house. She says "FINE!!!" and appears to calm down. She hands baby over to me. I then say (probably should have waited until later), would you please keep that ashtray out of reach of the baby? And I point to it. Ex goes crazy and slams the door on us.

I buckle baby into her seat, program GPS for the family place we will be going to, and am about to drive off when the ex comes out of the house and pounds on my car window. I make sure doors are locked and roll down window slightly. She demands I turn D2 back over to her. She says the order says noon to 4, she no longer agrees to 9am to 3pm as she had agreed in the email. I tell her I am keeping baby until 3, and to please step away from the car. She threatens to call the police and then threatens me: "you had better watch your back, (my name)!)

Because she has called the police on me before, I call the local RCMP constable who had dealt with the incident last time. I leave him a voice mail and explain the situation. I send an email to the ex, her lawyer, and my legal secretary. I inform them exactly where we will be and from when, I include a copy of the email agreement for 9-3pm access, and state that any frantic calls to the police or disruption of our visit will not be tolerated. I get no response to this and the remaining 6 hours go very well.

I get back at 3PM and walk baby back up to the house. The ashtray is still there on the floor. I take a photo of it with my phone before ringing the doorbell. Ex is furious that I came to the door again. I simply inform her what baby ate, when she had her nap, and when her last diaper change was, I say goodbye to my daughter, and walk away.

I send an email to the ex, her lawyer and her mother with the photograph of the ashtray. I ask politely that they please not have cigarette butts or any dangerous objects at ground level where the baby plays.

Ex's mom writes me back, copying the ex but not the lawyer. She tells me I ought to choose my battles wisely. She tells me I am not to come to the house for any reason whatsoever, that I am not welcome there, and that I may call my ex on her cell and she can bring the baby to me wherever I am. I reply that I intend to follow the court order of pick up and drop off of my daughter from her home, and that I have never come to her home for any other reason, and that I expect her to keep cigarette butts off the floor where baby plays.

These people have threatened to have me killed before. I think they are more bark than bite, but what's most upsetting is the way they speak to me and about me in front of the baby. Is there anything I should be doing here other than taking notes? Wednesday I am super-dad "worthy" of 4 extra hours of access time, Thursday I am a criminal intruder who had better "watch your back".
Quote:
Originally Posted by wretchedotis View Post
I read the last word of the third paragraph and stopped.

You're playing a game by 'chiiling' with your kid for a few minutes (unti exactly whatever o'clock, is my best guess).

Have your important conversation before you get in the car. Go with the flow and make Baby Momma Drama happy by just dropping her off with a kiss.

Not that your point of view is 'wrong'.

But do you want to be 'right', or do you just wanna make all the drama stop?

Set yourself up with something you know irratates her (waving her arms to get childs attenetion.... naturally child is excited.. true and true.But why play the game.)

Honestly, no offense intended, but give yourself a reality check.

How often do you feed the fire?

Then I read the rest of it.
Dude, stop creating issues.
  #25 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2012, 06:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretchedotis View Post
I read the last word of the third paragraph and stopped.

You're playing a game by 'chiiling' with your kid for a few minutes (unti exactly whatever o'clock, is my best guess).

Have your important conversation before you get in the car. Go with the flow and make Baby Momma Drama happy by just dropping her off with a kiss.

Not that your point of view is 'wrong'.

But do you want to be 'right', or do you just wanna make all the drama stop?

Set yourself up with something you know irratates her (waving her arms to get childs attenetion.... naturally child is excited.. true and true.But why play the game.)

Honestly, no offense intended, but give yourself a reality check.

How often do you feed the fire?
I'm a sincere dad who wants the modest 8 hours per week of access to my daughter respected and with minimal drama. I park in front of the house, she comes out arms waving. I park down the street, she gets angry for me walking up to the house. I suggested in 2011 we meet at a neutral location, she said no way.

What do you want from me???

I am not playing any games. I am looking for support and encouragement. Why am I the bad guy? What is your agenda otis?
  #26 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2012, 07:52 PM
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So park down the street until the exact time and then pull up to her house... or if you are a couple minutes early, does it really make that big of difference? I understand you only have 8 hours a week with your daughter, however, if the last 10 min are spent being harassed or drama filled with the ex, why not just send baby home 10 min early and have her be happy and not see Mom and Dad fight, rather than have her witness the drama for an extra ten min?
  #27 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2012, 07:59 PM
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Berner I 100% agree with you. Is there anything I wrote above that disagrees with what you're recommending? Drama free, full visit, minimize disrespect and drama in front of my child. That's my goal.
  #28 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2012, 08:47 PM
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I'm a sincere dad who wants the modest 8 hours per week of access to my daughter respected and with minimal drama. I park in front of the house, she comes out arms waving. I park down the street, she gets angry for me walking up to the house. I suggested in 2011 we meet at a neutral location, she said no way.

What do you want from me???

I am not playing any games. I am looking for support and encouragement. Why am I the bad guy? What is your agenda otis?
I want you to STOP doing things that you KNOW will just make things harder. Suck it up. Be a man. Or better yet - be the better PERSON, and eliminate the drama.
  #29 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2012, 10:46 PM
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Bring a disposable garbage bag with you next time and empty the ashtray if it bothers you so much. I understand you have a difficult ex but maybe you are being antagonistic? Nit-picking about cigarette butts is just silly. Seems to me that this is a "tender" time and until the two of you get accustomed to the shared custody arrangement you are going to have to give and take a bit.

Recorder is a good idea to protect your ass from a psycho flinging false charges at you. Sad you have to resort to that but I guess you have to do what you have to do.

Someday you will look back on this and shake your head. Take the high road and don't fall into stupid squabbles about stupid things. Much bigger problems ahead of you if you can't get along now.
  #30 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2012, 10:54 PM
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This is my second child but it seems I'm an odd case here.

Can each of you honestly tell me that full ashtrays are kept on the floor where your infant children play? Nothing unusual about that? You honestly would just keep your mouths shut about that? And if you pointed that out and were told to fuck off in front of your child and to wait down the street like an unwelcome visitor, you would just shrug and say ok?

Honestly I must be missing something here. My parents were wonderful parents, but if they saw something dangerous on the floor where the children played they just dealt with it. Adults didn't tell other parents to wait down the street in response to raising a concern. This is all brand new to me, honestly.
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