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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2012, 01:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by singledadoftwogirls View Post
It is a fairly busy city street and there is not always parking directly in front of or near the house. It depends on the time of day, really.

With all due respect if I have an access order BY CONSENT for pick up and drop off at their HOME, I don't think walking up with the baby to bring her or pick her up can be considered trespassing. That frankly makes no sense. It's trespassing when you don't have a legitimate reason to be on the property. Postal workers, salespeople with a permit, and people with an access order specifying that location, date and time, aren't trespassing.

The order doesn't state in front of the home, down the street from the home, text or call before, or anything like what you are suggesting. It is very clear. Pick up and drop off AT THE HOME at set dates and times. We have liberty to vary the dates and times by mutual consent, but that is where we have difficulty. Changing the location and procedure is a NEW issue she has just thrown into the works.
Kinda looks like she wants to change the location now so why not just work with her on it??
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Old 05-19-2012, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
For the death threat, were the police called and were there charges??
The police were called. She denied everything and no charges were filed. Does that surprise you?
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Old 05-19-2012, 01:27 PM
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Listen, I've been there with my own ex. I sympathize, but...

You take a pic of the ashtray, you make comments about it, send emails, letter to the lawyer, etc. All you are doing is pushing her buttons and intensifying the conflict.

What do you gain here? Heightened conflict and nothing else.

In an ideal world there would no human being exposed to any danger whatsoever. We don't live in that world. Let it go about the cigarettes, this is just putting yourself above the the ex, and the ex is guarenteed to get defensive, put walls up, and then get aggressive in any way possible.

Do you want an amicable, co-operative relationship with the other parent, or don't you? If you do, then stop criticising them. If you want hostility, then keep doing what you are doing, it's working.

I have had numerous similar situations for the last five years, and I've come to the point where I realize that my own criticism is driving the hostility as much as hers is. At some point you have to let it go.

Apologise. If you can't, then look yourself in the mirror and ask why not. Write her, tell her you were having an off day and shouldn't have pushed her buttons about the ashtray. Tell her you want to put your child's comfort ahead of everything else, and that means reducing and ending any conflict between the two of you. Tell her she is an amazing parent and you will say that to anyone, and you're sorry you lost it that day.

Maybe it's all bullshit, but at some point you have to take steps to create a workable situation. You'll be amazed at the results.
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Old 05-19-2012, 01:31 PM
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Originally Posted by singledadoftwogirls View Post
The police were called. She denied everything and no charges were filed. Does that surprise you?
when its a he said she said type of situation unless there is some proof or a witness then its hard to get charges laid so that doesnt surprise me. Considering she did that, why do you not have the recorder on at all times when you are meeting her no matter how well things seem to be going?? If it was me I would in case she tries something like that again, its protecting yourself.
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Old 05-19-2012, 01:31 PM
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Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
Kinda looks like she wants to change the location now so why not just work with her on it??
Do you mean try to get in writing a variation on the Consent Order?

First of all, I don't think it is in the child's best interests that we change the order in that respect. I had requested that we do it at a neutral third location late last year, because of the threats. She argued that she didn't have a vehicle, so that wouldn't be best for the baby.

She also promised, in writing, to refrain from making derogatory or threatening comments during the pick up and drop offs. In fact two points of relief I sought on May 2 were granted, one of them restraining both of us from making derogatory comments about the other parent in front of the children.

So based on the lack of hard evidence of the death threat (my word against hers) and her promise to not be rude or threatening when we did the exchanges, my lawyer advised we not push the issue of a change in location and procedures.

Now you are advising me I should just cave in because she woke up angry on Thursday morning?

The issue here is my daughter's best interests. I don't think it makes sense for me to agree to meet down the street for these exchanges. She is a tiny baby and the weather is bad 6 months of the year. I just don't understand why you think it's best for the baby, or me, that I just cave in every time the mother wants to change something that has NOTHING TO DO with the baby or the access time she should be free to enjoy with me. Her mom doesn't like me isn't a good reason to vary an access order.
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Old 05-19-2012, 01:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Mess View Post
Listen, I've been there with my own ex. I sympathize, but...

You take a pic of the ashtray, you make comments about it, send emails, letter to the lawyer, etc. All you are doing is pushing her buttons and intensifying the conflict.

What do you gain here? Heightened conflict and nothing else.

In an ideal world there would no human being exposed to any danger whatsoever. We don't live in that world. Let it go about the cigarettes, this is just putting yourself above the the ex, and the ex is guarenteed to get defensive, put walls up, and then get aggressive in any way possible.

Do you want an amicable, co-operative relationship with the other parent, or don't you? If you do, then stop criticising them. If you want hostility, then keep doing what you are doing, it's working.
totally agree with you Mess. I just dont know why he doesnt park on the street and text the mother to bring the child out. Even in winter the child will be exposed to the weather during exchanges unless you have an attached garage where the exchange takes place. Cuts down on the conflict and drama.
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2012, 01:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
Listen, I've been there with my own ex. I sympathize, but...

You take a pic of the ashtray, you make comments about it, send emails, letter to the lawyer, etc. All you are doing is pushing her buttons and intensifying the conflict.

What do you gain here? Heightened conflict and nothing else.

In an ideal world there would no human being exposed to any danger whatsoever. We don't live in that world. Let it go about the cigarettes, this is just putting yourself above the the ex, and the ex is guarenteed to get defensive, put walls up, and then get aggressive in any way possible.

Do you want an amicable, co-operative relationship with the other parent, or don't you? If you do, then stop criticising them. If you want hostility, then keep doing what you are doing, it's working.
I agree with you. Please note, the picture of the ashtray was 6 hours after she told me to fuck off in front of my child for pointing it out. It was also 6 hours after she became furious all of a sudden that I had come to the front door to pick up my child as I normally do.

Please note, I made the comment about the ashtray only after she yelled at me and told me I wasn't to come to the front door. I will drop the ashtray issue, ok? Hopefully baby knows not to touch things left on the floor and/or they won't leave butts on the floor anymore now that I've raised the issue. Who knows. Fingers crossed.

The remaining issue is whether I should abide by her whims to now change the procedure and location of the pick up and drop off. I agree, pointing out the danger on the floor didn't help me, and maybe I should have kept my mouth shut about that. Do I now agree to vary the order because I told her not to leave butts on the floor where my child plays?
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2012, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Mess View Post
Apologise. If you can't, then look yourself in the mirror and ask why not.
I am very cooperative and complimentary with her. In this case, I don't think pointing out cigarette butts on the floor where my infant child plays, is anything to apologise for!

Sending the picture to her mom, who left the butts, and her lawyer? Maybe I could apologise for that. But she told me to fuck off and mind my own business, and 6 hours later the ashtray was still there on the floor in the play area. I'm sorry, but hazards on the floor where my daughter plays are my business!
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2012, 01:38 PM
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Babies can handle being walked down the street in bad weather. What babies and children of any age can't handle is endless conflict between their parents. Stop worrying about who is on top and let go of the competition. Spend the time with your child and enjoy it. You will be amazed at the response of your ex once you let go of your own issues.

I'm not saying you are wrong, it would be great if your ex had any skills at conflict resolution. In such a case, you might not even be split up. You have to work at what you have. Don't be pissed off at the weather because you have to carry an umbrella. Likewise, don't be pissed off at your ex because they are an asshole. Just do what it takes, and what it takes is not fighting, it is stopping the fight.
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 05-19-2012, 01:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
Babies can handle being walked down the street in bad weather. What babies and children of any age can't handle is endless conflict between their parents. Stop worrying about who is on top and let go of the competition. Spend the time with your child and enjoy it. You will be amazed at the response of your ex once you let go of your own issues.

I'm not saying you are wrong, it would be great if your ex had any skills at conflict resolution. In such a case, you might not even be split up. You have to work at what you have. Don't be pissed off at the weather because you have to carry an umbrella. Likewise, don't be pissed off at your ex because they are an asshole. Just do what it takes, and what it takes is not fighting, it is stopping the fight.
I went to court on May 2 to try to get extra time with my daughter and some statutory holidays. I was denied. A large part of the reason given was I had allegedly not followed the order to the letter! For example we agreed to reschedule time in Burnaby to Kelowna, because of bad road conditions and I bought her a plane ticket. Her lawyer got up and said I MISSED TIME in Burnaby!

So then in a month when I want time on Father's Day she will say, "the order says pick up and drop off from my home and during the month of May you aren't showing up at the house but calling from down the street". I can't make this stuff up!
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