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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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Old 05-20-2010, 03:35 PM
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After working 60+ hours a week (sometimes as much as 80 or more) over the past few years to pay the bills she left me with and child support, I'm growing very very tired and exhausted.

Last fall, my work performance suffered from the stress & exhaustion - I was let go from my primary job in November... I quickly picked up some extra work but got behind in bills and even a bit behind in CS even though I kept giving her what I could. My car deteriorated and I couldn't afford repairs.

Now, I've been hired full time with another company again - but back working at the least, 65 hours a week. I'm caught up with CS once again, but am still seriously behind in bills. My car is gone and I have no transportation to get to see the kids 2 hour drive away (she moved them despite the separation agreement saying to keep them "close" to where we lived).

My ex is constantly sending me nasty emails, text messages and voice messages saying I'm a deadbeat dad. In her messages she tells me about how I obviously hate the kids and have no desire to see them. Who knows what she is actually telling them - although I'm sure it's not nice.

She enrolls them in extra activities that cost $, recently hooked them up with life insurance and RESP's and immediately dumped half the monthly expense of all that on me and makes threats to take it all to court and sue for more CS (she gets the table amount now - but 2 years ago I worked pretty much 7 days a week to try and pay some bills down - she hijacked my mail to see my pay checks and now wants back pay on that extra work I did to pay some of the initial separation debts down).

Can this all not be considered harassment considering the extra stress it's constantly putting me through? It's bad enough having to work my life away and not being able to see the kids unless she is "driving through town and can stop by for 5 minutes". I'm at a point of saying f-you and leaving the country indefinitely - especially since her financial stranglehold will be with me at least until I'm 65 (sure, some of the $ feeds the kids, etc., but the $ she gets is definitely 'abused' -- she doesn't need a $500K house, new car, big screen TV's, etc., while I rent a tiny room and eat peanut butter sandwiches for meals.).

What is a guy to do? No $ for a lawyer so please don't suggest it... and I make too much for legal aid - gross of course... I can survive and live the best I can -- but do I need to put up with her constant barrage of complaints, threats and insults?? I can't work more - she just takes more and then the next year I have to work even more - I'm maxed out with working... I really need to work less at this point as I'm completely exhausted all the time.
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Old 05-20-2010, 04:11 PM
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nasty emails etc..yes harassment. not much you can do other than document it.

But, if you lost your job then you should have applied for a reduction in CS. Did you do that? Why isn't the money going through FRO?

What kind of extracurriculars is she signing up for? is she paying her proportional share? Do you have a SA that sets out all these rules? Does she even work?

You have no obligation to pay into the RESPs, you should be doing that in your own name, so that when it comes to university you will have your proportionate share to contribute. You should be helping to pay for life insurance, but it isn't necessary to have this for the kids. I would bet most parents don't have it on their kids. You should have a policy on yourself though.

Unfortunately the harder you work to pay off your bills, the more she will get. I know it isn't fair when you are barely able to feed yourself.
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Old 05-20-2010, 04:21 PM
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I didn't bother to apply for a CS reduction.. I was supposed to have a new job in only 3 months (unfortunately it turned into 6 months) - and like I said, had some part time $ coming in - and just wanted to the do nice guy thing and keep payments the same as when I was working full time and then some.

FRO isn't involved... they never have been. She's threatening it - because I got behind a little bit during the winter (but all my bills got behind)... I am only assuming FRO wouldn't be much on my side of things? They'll support her as that is where CS is to go to?

She was working (had been working just long enough to qualify for EI), but is on parental leave/EI... she had a baby with some guy she met at a bar and had a one night stand... she doesn't want him involved and won't even go after him for CS on the new baby, lol... from what she says, he doesn't even know he has a kid.... she must have had some pretty strong feelings for him though.. he gets off from responsibility while I get dragged through hell. (Wouldn't a judge look at her and say "what is wrong with you?... smarten up!!"??)
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Old 05-20-2010, 05:00 PM
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Stop bring the nice guy...we just get taken advantage of. I agree with paying child care but if she is working and your income is down then try to cut your spousal payments.

Before she does anything else with the kids, where she expects you to pay make sure you agree and then you want to see the paid bill before reimbursement.

She is taking you for a ride and getting any thing she wants because you let her abuse you. Just say no. Document all the harassment then go to the police and tell them, they have to start a file. If there are any threats, go to a judge and get a restraining order.

Often men get abused too. Only nobody seems to care that we have feelings as well. You know, bite the bullet and be a man, what a bunch of bulls--t!
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Old 05-20-2010, 05:06 PM
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I would be careful of a couple things:

1. I hope you have a paper trail for the RESP's. If you don't, she may claim it as "her" contribution (as it is probably in her name) and then come after you for the "other" half of the childs education expense.

2. Life insurance may or may not be deemed as necessary, or an expense to you. Although, I can't see much of a negative to have it unless it is an outrageous amount. Also, it would also be ok depending on who the beneficaries are. If the beneficiaries are your other kids, that is fine. But if her name is listed as one of beneficiary and yours is not, then you have a problem, considering you are paying half.

3. she is not allowed to schedule activities for the children on your time and depending on the nature of the activity, without your consent. She can't just say, "OK Joe, I'm going to put you in hockey and your dad will pay for half and take you". You must be consulted prior to any decisions pertaining to activities where the cost of the activity would be substantial ($200 or more per parent) and where said activity affects your parenting time.

4. Any increase or decrease in income is to be noted to the payee for child support and then you go by the guidelines for what you pay. It would be noted that you can't quit a $100k job for a $20k job, as your income could be imputed at what you are capable of making. But you are not obligated to work tons of overtime to maintain a certain level of income for child support. Overtime or bonuses etc are not guaranteed income.

5. It isn't harrassment, but it does reflect on her inability to coparent. Keep the emails and text. But also don't let her get to you. Take her BS for what it is and realize the source. She is a nutjob, and a nutjob will do what nutjobs do.
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Old 05-21-2010, 11:02 AM
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Harassment is easy for the police:

1) Male to Female- CRIMINAL!!!!!!!!! Harassment. Go to jail , don't pass go.

2) Female to Male- Ohhh just brush it off. You will not believe what a female can get away with in our society.

Problem is cops are not trained to deal with domestics and deal with them very poorly. It comes down to who is the best bullshitter and who the cops like more. If you have a slick male he can do a lot of dmagae before his wife gets him arrested. If you have a vindictive female you will have a nightmare with the cops.

Until these charges go the BC way and are presented to a Crown before they are laid, domestics will be a joke. It hurts both sides.
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Old 05-21-2010, 11:38 AM
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The sad part is that a lot of abused people are too scared, intimidated or brainwashed to even call the police. A lot of the reports they deal with are from people who aren't in a seriously abusive relationships, therefore when presented with a "real" abuse sitiuation, they are looking for the lies.

Couple that with the fact that in a seriously abusive relationship the abused person often makes excuses for their partner, or even refuses to admit it is happening. Makes it very hard for anyone to see which ones are real, which ones are exaggerations (or 2 way arguements) and which ones are life threatening.
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Old 05-21-2010, 12:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by billiechic View Post
The sad part is that a lot of abused people are too scared, intimidated or brainwashed to even call the police. A lot of the reports they deal with are from people who aren't in a seriously abusive relationships, therefore when presented with a "real" abuse sitiuation, they are looking for the lies.

Couple that with the fact that in a seriously abusive relationship the abused person often makes excuses for their partner, or even refuses to admit it is happening. Makes it very hard for anyone to see which ones are real, which ones are exaggerations (or 2 way arguements) and which ones are life threatening.

I would say roughly 10-20% of calls to the police re; abuse are real. The other 70-80% are frivilous on both sides. The criminal courts are being used as a "weapon" or tactical device in divorce. Talk to any judge, lawyer they will tell you it's a huge issue and clogging up the systems. The first thing my lawyer told me when I said we were seperating is "Has she threatened to call the police". I said "no". He said "not yet eh?". I laughed it off but I soon found out what he meant.

I would say there is also a large segment of woman who are afriad to report and those are the ones in true, immediate danger. However most abuse claims are fake. That's an ugly fact.
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Old 05-21-2010, 01:01 PM
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Domestic abuse is a real problem in our society. Thankfully, awareness has increased hugely in the last decade and many perps are aware of the immediate and serious consequences of their violent actions. I would hope that this has caused a decrease in the incidence of spousal abuse.

Sadly, the asshole women who make false allegations for their selfish vindictive custody reasons are doing more damage to the real victims of abuse by creating an atmosphere where the police have to cut their bullshit in order to weed out the liars. I have to believe that some true victims of spousal abuse have been disserviced by these total whackjob women.
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Old 05-21-2010, 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted by dadtotheend View Post
Domestic abuse is a real problem in our society. Thankfully, awareness has increased hugely in the last decade and many perps are aware of the immediate and serious consequences of their violent actions. I would hope that this has caused a decrease in the incidence of spousal abuse.

Sadly, the asshole women who make false allegations for their selfish vindictive custody reasons are doing more damage to the real victims of abuse by creating an atmosphere where the police have to cut their bullshit in order to weed out the liars. I have to believe that some true victims of spousal abuse have been disserviced by these total whackjob women.

Exactly. I have seen this first hand.I seen a very violent , unstable man convince the police that his wife was "lying" to them in order to get Exclusive Possession of the house. They see so many false claims that it they have been programmed to believe the best bullshitter. And in either case the best bullshitter will be the evil person.
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