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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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Old 11-05-2017, 01:30 PM
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Default The No-Show Parent

My ex and I had a parenting agreement signed 5 years ago. He is supposed to have our son 7 year old child every second weekend Friday to Sunday plus every Wednesday evening, plus shared holidays, etc.

I have kept a spreadsheet over the last 2 plus years that shows the days heís missed. He has never taken him on a Wednesday, hasnít seen him in 7 months and prior to that random weekends on Saturday to Sunday at varied times, with visits sometimes months apart. He also hasnít taken him for two weeks in the summer ever as we agreed on.

This has caused a huge amount of emotional distress on my son previously with crying, having accidents, and lashing out with anger. Once in a blue moon I get an email asking to see our son tomorrow but itís difficult to accommodate his last minute requests and I donít feel itís in the best interests or our child. I have tried to explain to him that these last minute requests are unreasonable and asked him to sit down with me and discuss a schedule he can commit to that works for him. He has even forgot to pick him up and our son was at the door waiting. When I called and asked where he was he said he forgot and couldnít make it even though I told him our son was waiting.

Am I wrong to say no to sporadic access requests when he is not following the agreement at all? I am willing to agree to anything he can commit to but I keep telling him we need to have this conversation first beforehand. He keeps saying heís busy and doesnít have time to talk and continues to say Iím denying him access, but I worry for my son emotionally if his dad comes to see him with no agreed schedule then doesnít bother for months again as he has done so over the last number of years. I have offered to drive to his house to talk, meet at a coffee shop and offered to talk anytime time that works for him. Any advice on how I should handle this would be greatly appreciated. Itís so hard to know if Iím making the right decisions for our son.
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Old 11-05-2017, 02:03 PM
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You should set your son up with a therapist. At least he would have someone to work through this abandonment with.

You are right to refuse the last minute requests if its not do-able. However is your ex is free and wants to take his child for a few hours, thats not unreasonable and you could try to accommodate.

The bottom line is you canít fix stupid and there are plenty of parents out there who canít be bothered to be parents. When he plays the ďdenying accessĒ card you simply remind him he has set out access and he is more than welcome to exercise his time with his son. Be assertive when you respond to his last minute requests.
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Old 11-05-2017, 02:38 PM
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Thank you for the advice! Especially about being assertive and reminding him he has access rights he can exercise if he wants to rather than just random requests here and there. No show parents make it very difficult for the children involved.
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Old 11-05-2017, 04:14 PM
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Its a really unfortunate situation for your child. Plus it upsets many of the parents on here who want to see their kids and are refused. The most important thing is to make sure the boy has a positive role model and reinforcement that none of this is his fault.
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Old 11-05-2017, 08:47 PM
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Totally agree with you. Thanks again.
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Old 11-05-2017, 10:14 PM
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Lemongirl, we are in similar situations. Its like pulling teeth for me to get the ex to maintain contact and Ive only been separated for 1 year (we dont have any written agreement). Your situation isn't giving me much hope If it was me, I would take what I could get and agree to the sporadic visits, because imo its better than nothing. But you are the one that knows your child best. I would be concerned though if he backed out again last minute and the childs hopes were dashed again. I'm not much help, but just wanted you to know your not alone. Its hard to read here all the great Dads, that want more access to their children and we have the complete opposite circumstance.
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Old 11-05-2017, 10:17 PM
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My father took off when we were young. It took about ten years for me to find a therapist who could help with the feelings of abandonment. You are a good parent trying to get the fathers to wise up.
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Old 11-05-2017, 10:58 PM
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I'd better start saving for the therapists bills Rockscan do you have a relationship now that you are an adult with your Dad?

Its heartbreaking, last time my S3 saw his Dad, (he doesn't understand a schedule or even know what day of the week it is) he caught a glimpse of him walking on the street for a schedule visit, I didnt tell him before hand to avoid disappointment, and he ran straight for him, and literally jumped onto him. His face was sheer joy, and he was hanging onto him, like it for dear life. The S7 I noticed was standoffish, and hesitant. It took a bit of a bribe to get the S7 go. I hope in time S3 will never loose that joy in seeing & being with his Dad. Time will tell.
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Old 11-05-2017, 11:00 PM
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Itís better a no show, as you donít tell the child the parent is coming and when the parent shows, you both look great as they go with the other parent and you also agree to it, if you donít let them know the other parents coming they donít look bad for not coming and you donít look bad saying they will be here soon

I know a lot of parents are on here and want to see their kids and other parent makes it hard/ are ďgatekeepers ď but as hard as it is to believe some parents donít give a shit about their kids and itís about them.
My wifeís ex is only about him and only does his ďtimeĒ (this words) cause this mom wants to see the kids and anything the does is over and above
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Old 11-05-2017, 11:15 PM
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Mine calls it "babysitting" to give me a "break". IMO parents dont get a break, nor babysit their children. I often think while reading posts on here where is my 50/50 shared parenting? Why didnt my kids get one of these Dad's?

Dtothree, I hope your filling in some shoes and being a great step-dad!
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