Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Divorce & Family Law

Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2015, 01:26 AM
plainNamedDad44's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 818
plainNamedDad44 is on a distinguished road
Default Need Advice: My 14 year old daugther wants to live with me

Hi community,

I could really use your guidance with the following situation.

1. As some of you know, I know live in Toronto near my 4 children, the STBX having removed them from Ottawa.

2. CAS has no issues. OCL involved.

3. I have by motion won EOW, summer vac access and Christmas holiday.

4. My oldest 14 year old daughter who I have always been very close too now understands the alienation that she's been subjected to and now WANTS TO LIVE WITH ME.

**** BTW - I DID NOT PUT THIS IDEA IN MY DAUGHTER'S HEAD ********

5. When I picked her up she had two back packs. One full of extra clothing.

So, I am happy about that and frankly feel that I am the better parent. Here are some other 'facts'/issues.

1. I have 4 children, my 14 yr daughter, 13 year old son, 11 year old son and 10 year old daughter.

2. My older daughter does not want to live with her mother.

3. My older son does not want to live with her mother but feels he must wait until he is my daughter's age to act.

4. I have spoken to my older daughter, explained that her mother loves her, but I would be happy to have her (and her siblings) live with me.

5. I advised that my daughter reach out to the OCL to inform her of her position. The OCL is still representing to the courts the alieanated garbage put into my daughters head by her mother. Which now my daughter sees.

Is this the right approach ? In my heart of hearts I know I am the better parent and that my daughter and other children would prosper more so with me.

How do I support my daughter to make sure this happens ?

Thanks

Last edited by plainNamedDad44; 01-11-2015 at 01:30 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2015, 01:40 AM
Janibel's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Way up North
Posts: 1,496
Janibel will become famous soon enough
Default

Teenagers tend to change their minds a lot - especially if one parent refuses something/privilege that she wants. Was there a disagreement with mom over some rules or has you D14 been wanting this for a while. Thing is if she moves in with you, the younger siblings might get the same idea. Are you ok with that possibility?

Try to find out if this was in retaliation to an argument or if this is something that she has put some thought into? She's certainly old enough to decide where she wants to live.

*** also what does mom think of all this?

Last edited by Janibel; 01-11-2015 at 01:42 AM. Reason: afterthought
Reply With Quote
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2015, 02:06 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 381
Dadx5 is on a distinguished road
Default

At that age your daughter's opinion will have alot of weight but its not 100% of the determining factor. I would encourage your daughter to talk with the children's lawyer, and if possible her to talk to her mother as well. See if you guys can come to an agreement regarding your daughter's wishes. Either way I would definitely encourage your daughter to spend some time with mom.
Reply With Quote
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2015, 02:41 AM
Hand of Justice
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: In the Shadows
Posts: 3,146
Links17 is on a distinguished road
Default

The magical question is why?
Reply With Quote
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2015, 11:58 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,838
stripes is on a distinguished road
Default

I strongly disagree that a 14 year old is old enough to decide when she gets to live. If you let her stay, you are setting a very bad precedent. What happens in a year, when she decides you're not as much fun and she wants to move back in with mom? What happens if she decides she doesn't want to go to school and so forth - does she get to make that decision too? Teenagers are extremely volatile, and what they want one week is what they hate the next. It sounds like your daughter said one thing to the OCL earlier and is now saying the opposite. Frankly, her credibility is not too strong.

I suggest you tell your daughter that you have heard her wishes and will discuss with her mother and with other appropriate parties (OCL). Then you will get back to her, telling her (not asking her) what the residential arrangements will be.

If you and Mom agree that daughter will come to live with you, great. If Mom does not agree, and you have an order saying Mom has primary residence with daughter, than daughter goes back to Mom. If you want to pursue a change in residence and Mom won't agree, do so through the courts.

What you feel in your heart of hearts about being the better parent is irrelevant. Mom probably thinks she's the better parent. Evidently CAS, OCL and the courts think you are both competent parents.

I have seen a number of situations in which parents give kids the power to choose where they live (usually on the grounds that "this is what Kid really wants" or "it's in Kid's best interests", not "this is what I want"). It never ends well. What the kid learns is that he or she is in charge, not the adults, and that the rules don't apply to them. They generalize this lesson to all kinds of other situations.

You should tell Kid that you are following the court order until it is changed either by agreement with Mom or by a judge. You will discuss her concerns with the other parent and perhaps you can come up with a way that Kid can spend more time with you, but you are making the decision, not her.
Reply With Quote
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2015, 12:19 AM
Janibel's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Way up North
Posts: 1,496
Janibel will become famous soon enough
Default

The thing is Stripes that a 14 year old might get an idea in her head to run off - better she runs off to Dad's place where she is safe, than some boyfriend. That's why I suggested that PlainamedDad inquire as to if there was an argument with mom.
Reply With Quote
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2015, 12:35 AM
Hand of Justice
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: In the Shadows
Posts: 3,146
Links17 is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
I strongly disagree that a 14 year old is old enough to decide when she gets to live. If you let her stay, you are setting a very bad precedent. What happens in a year, when she decides you're not as much fun and she wants to move back in with mom? What happens if she decides she doesn't want to go to school and so forth - does she get to make that decision too? Teenagers are extremely volatile, and what they want one week is what they hate the next. It sounds like your daughter said one thing to the OCL earlier and is now saying the opposite. Frankly, her credibility is not too strong.

I suggest you tell your daughter that you have heard her wishes and will discuss with her mother and with other appropriate parties (OCL). Then you will get back to her, telling her (not asking her) what the residential arrangements will be.

If you and Mom agree that daughter will come to live with you, great. If Mom does not agree, and you have an order saying Mom has primary residence with daughter, than daughter goes back to Mom. If you want to pursue a change in residence and Mom won't agree, do so through the courts.

What you feel in your heart of hearts about being the better parent is irrelevant. Mom probably thinks she's the better parent. Evidently CAS, OCL and the courts think you are both competent parents.

I have seen a number of situations in which parents give kids the power to choose where they live (usually on the grounds that "this is what Kid really wants" or "it's in Kid's best interests", not "this is what I want"). It never ends well. What the kid learns is that he or she is in charge, not the adults, and that the rules don't apply to them. They generalize this lesson to all kinds of other situations.

You should tell Kid that you are following the court order until it is changed either by agreement with Mom or by a judge. You will discuss her concerns with the other parent and perhaps you can come up with a way that Kid can spend more time with you, but you are making the decision, not her.
I will just say the more progressive Quebec court of Appeal gives VERY Heavy weight to what a 12 year old says and even starting at 10 years old their opinion becomes factor. At 12 the opinion of a child is pretty much decisive unless it is due to some stupid reason.
Reply With Quote
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2015, 01:10 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,838
stripes is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Janibel View Post
The thing is Stripes that a 14 year old might get an idea in her head to run off - better she runs off to Dad's place where she is safe, than some boyfriend. That's why I suggested that PlainamedDad inquire as to if there was an argument with mom.
^^^ Good point, hadn't thought of that scenario. If she is determined to leave Mom's, better Dad than some friends. But I still think that the emphasis should be on abiding by the existing order, rather than letting Kid make all the decisions.
Reply With Quote
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2015, 01:17 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,838
stripes is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
I will just say the more progressive Quebec court of Appeal gives VERY Heavy weight to what a 12 year old says and even starting at 10 years old their opinion becomes factor. At 12 the opinion of a child is pretty much decisive unless it is due to some stupid reason.
True, but that's happening in court when an order is being made. The situation here is that a fourteen year old doesn't want to abide by the existing order. If Dad wants to go back into court against Mom to get primary residence with Kid, then Kid's wishes should be part of the decision. That's different from letting Kid disregard the court's decision (which presumably was made for a good reason).

I would say the same thing if the parent situation were reversed, if Kid told Mom she didn't want to go to Dad's house for her access weekend. Mom should say "your father and I will discuss this, but right now, you're getting into the car".
Reply With Quote
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2015, 07:16 AM
plainNamedDad44's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 818
plainNamedDad44 is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Janibel View Post
Teenagers tend to change their minds a lot - especially if one parent refuses something/privilege that she wants. Was there a disagreement with mom over some rules or has you D14 been wanting this for a while. Thing is if she moves in with you, the younger siblings might get the same idea. Are you ok with that possibility?
absolutely. STBX moved my 4 kids into her parents place. STBX's father (children's grandfather) is an oppressive crusty old dink.

Quote:

Try to find out if this was in retaliation to an argument or if this is something that she has put some thought into? She's certainly old enough to decide where she wants to live.

*** also what does mom think of all this?
This has been my D14's position for quite some time.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
re. Six year time limit for division of property eagle51 Divorce & Family Law 3 09-20-2013 02:33 PM
My ex the tax genius (when do changes in setoff amounts come into effect this year) stripes Financial Issues 18 05-02-2013 08:01 AM
Self employed financial disclosure during year billm Financial Issues 5 05-04-2012 04:21 AM
Need help advice desperately Fedupwithcrap Parenting Issues 11 12-31-2011 12:47 PM
1 year "wait" for 50% child custody vs "status quo" confused1999 Parenting Issues 22 11-18-2011 02:23 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:14 AM.