Need advice

[NoRegret]

Hi there

This may sound obvious or easy to everyone else but I really need advice for my situation. I've been married for over 10 yrs, it isn't for the right reason and I am never truly happy no matter how much both of us tried. We have no children but we are also not financially well off. We both own a house and a business that is Incorporated that we just started a few years ago.

I want to start over and I feel separation is the best for us both since I am not happy and I can’t make him happy.

Now I am still looking for a job, because the business just started, not much income from it yet. If I still need to stay in the matrimonial home, until I can afford a new place, will the court allow this or they will leave it to his decision? He has always been the breadwinner. I did work full time, before the business started but I also have personal debts to pay. If I want to sell the house and he doesn’t want to, which side will the court take? Knowing him, I don’t think staying under the same roof after separation is a good idea, but I have to consider that option until my money situation improves.

Also, I read that it’s a good idea to sit down and talk about separation and come up to agreement before getting Independent Advice. What if talks is not possible? I have slept in separate bedroom for a few weeks and he doesn’t seem to get the clue. He is somewhat self denial, hard to talk to. He is never violent at me, but he does destroy things (including my things) when upset. As much as I want separation, I want what is fair for both of us. Part of my debts, he caused it. But he also helps pay it now that I don’t have much money coming in. I know that 50-50 is not fair, since being breadwinner, he contributes more than I do all these years. Can I leave it to the court to decide what is fair, or should I try talk to him first ? I am not planning for re-marry and not involved with anyone else at this moment, so I don't think divorce is necessary unless he'd rather divorce than separate.

I’m really confused. Please help. Sorry if I post this in the wrong section.

[Rioe]

If you believe he'll become difficult once you break the news to him more clearly, I would advise on taking precautions ahead of time. Make copies of all important documentation (financial stuff, deeds, business paperwork, etc) and keep the copies somewhere he can't access, such as with a family member or a friend. Get all your personal stuff you don't want destroyed away from there as well.

50-50 is "legally" fair since that's what marriage means. It doesn't matter who the breadwinner is. When you two got married, you vowed to be equal partners. You are entitled to half the matrimonial home, half the assets, half the debts, half his pension, etc. The house doesn't have to be sold, if there's another way to divide it. He could buy out your share if he wants to stay in it.

However, while that is legally what is fair, to fight for it in court will sometimes eat up all the assets in legal fees. It would be way better to try to come up with an agreement outside of the court process.

Sit down with all that financial documentation you safeguarded and figure out your financial picture. Read up on separation agreements here, ask questions, get yourself prepared. Once you know what you are legally entitled to, you are in a more educated position to know what you are willing to concede to get an agreement. Maybe in exchange for keeping the house he can also take on your debts and pay you some spousal support, leaving you in a better position to start over. Come up with a few ideas, and present him with the ones that favour you, to give yourself a starting point for negotiating. Also have in mind a bottom point at which you will stop and accept no less. Going into the negotiating with these things in mind will help prevent him from running roughshod over you.

Then have the talk with him and present him with these ideas for separating your lives. As you have no children, the main goal should be to make a final agreement that allows you to move on with your lives with as few connecting ties as possible. Once you see how he reacts, then you will know a lot more about how far into the process you can get before lawyers and maybe court are involved. The more you can do before involving them, the more money you'll save, but it will really depend on the level of confrontation. And you'll need them at some point to finalize things.

And by the way, his destroying your things when he's upset is a form of abuse and intimidation. Separation and divorce is one of the most stressful things anyone can experience, so take whatever steps you feel are necessary to protect yourself, as if anything is going to escalate his expression of anger into physical contact, this is likely it. Break the news in a somewhat public place, like a coffee shop or restaurant if you have to.

[NoRegret]

Thanks for fast and lengthy reply. I will take the steps you suggested. I have no family or friends close by but I will come up with a place to keep safe personal stuffs and documents.
Right now I am not in the best of health, but I will take my time clear my mind and regain health before I even start the talk. It will be draining, but that's the best I can afford.
All these years he is never physically abusive, then again when he destroys things he may also hurt me unintentionally. I really hope we can settle this peacefully. Thanks again.