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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2005, 08:00 PM
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Thanks Grace
You have sure given some fair opinions in these threads and I can see you are a very valuable generous human being.

It is happening to me. I left for a few days and the locks were changed, I didn't want any sort of hostility and conflict to be seen by our children,so despite advice to go in and change the locks back I couldn't do it, for what I thought was the higher road for the sake of the children. I thought let the collaborative process work and it will all be ironed out, I was naive and soon collaboration failed after just a few meetings. Litigation followed a month later and now it has been 1.5 years since I went away for those first 3 days and "mucho mucho deniro" later, I fave 42 pounds of paper generated from the lawyers,Home Study people,Doctors,counsellors,accountants etc. What a mess !!!!!!!----nothing but an interim parenting order has come out of it with standard access,basically 30-40% access time for me. Now it is becoming a move away situation and looks like even more distancing from resolution.
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Old 12-12-2005, 09:19 PM
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Thanks Bearall,

That is an unfortunate situation, especially being locked out of your own home! I with you on the length of litigation using the court system, it's a long haul and expensive. I am pleased to hear that you have 30-40% custody, at least your not an every second weekend parent, is your goal to increase it to 50-50?

Mind if I ask you why Collabrative Law didn't work for you, I have done some reading on this and think it may be a route to use as it doesn't involve using the court system.

Keep posting, it's not only thearapuetic, but helpful to others, in similar situations.
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2005, 10:51 PM
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Hi Grace
Just got back from the kid's Christmas Concert(it was great as they all are !!--another event for the video archives---they grow up so fast) I can't get enough of my 2 little kidlets.
Yes I would like our kid's to have both parents 50/50. The curve ball is..... How do you do this when one parent wants to move away and start a new life with a new partner and include the kids in their future plans. How do you aim for peace when you are holding your ex back from the new dreams and plans,that don't include you. Yet if you are unsucessful,you become a 4day a month visitor,if you are successful and attain 50/50...your spouse will hate you indefinately for spoiling what could be in their own self interest.

I would like to compare notes with you someday,emotional,financial costs and dirty tactics are very much a part of the litigation system. I had no idea what was about to be unleashed on me when agreements made during collaboration were just ignored and soon adversarial litigation became the name of the game. The costs in the last year have been in the stratosphere even beyond extreme.
Collaboration is great if there are people always willing to look at all sides with the goal of fairness in mind .
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2005, 11:35 PM
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I have fond memories too, of all the concerts. Yes, they do grow up too fast and I hate to be the bearer of bad news but when they hit the teenage years, they aren't so "cute" sometimes.

Think about what is in the best interests of your children, not your ex. I think everyone will agree that a child only seeing their parent 4 days a month is not in their best interest. You can fight your ex over mobility rights.
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 12-13-2005, 01:28 PM
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Hi Grace
The mobility issue is just one tanker of fuel thrown on an out of control fire. Competing future family visions become circular in an internal attempt to do the right thing for all concerned. I am alone while parenting my kids,the other side can offer a gramma as nanny and potential future step-dad and step-brother,dog and cat,a new city and new start. Am I just an inconvenience now ?Somedays I feel I am on the high road ,and other days feel like I am banging my head against the wall and new staus quo seems stacked against me as time goes on. I mentioned the high costs in emotional,mental,financial........ at what point do you just cry "uncle" and let her take them away or do you continue the race to the bottom. I have survived every trick in the book thrown my way so far and feel quite battered and bruised from the abuse. It is a great pleasure to laugh at any little thing these days,because they can be few and far between at times. Our kids are doing extremely well in school and other activities and they humble me with their adaptations. I love em to bits...one boy 5...one girl 7
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 12-13-2005, 02:41 PM
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Default Do i really even have a chance?

Reading these posts I feel I don't have a hope in hell.
Is this true for every father?
It sounds like this is the general hand out for men.
Please convince me this isn't so.
Yes I was the bread winner and of course that sacrificed time with my children....what now?
I won't get to see them any more?...one day a week and every second weekend.
How is this fair?
My wife hasn't been totally honest with me. She's been running around talking with other men (friends)..ya right! all behind my back.
She doesn't even have any idea of how much I know....not even for how long.
She suspects me of being totally oblivious to everything she's been doing .....but I haven't.
She's the one that has railroaded the marriage to where it is today all the while crying a poor me story to anyone that will lend her a shoulder to cry on.
All the while blaming me for her problems......"he'll never change".
Why did she marry my a year ago?
Why spend the money?
The past six months I've been desperate to hold it together and shes tearing it apart and has everyone else convinced that I am the problem.
I've made my share of mistakes but I don't deserve this!
How does one try to make things better while she talking with other men she presumes I don't know about?
This is her story to tell.
She left our home to go find her happiness and taking the kids from everything they have known.
My oldest was telling me he hates the apartment..."there's nothing to do".
Tell me they won't take the children away....please!
I would be happy with a 60/40 split letting her have more of the time with them.
Please don't give me one day a week and every other weekend.....please don't.....that would hurt so bad.
Reading this thread I feel like there is no hope at all.
Please give me more time with the boys.........please god please.
I will sacrifice my career to make it work!
I will give anything to make it work!
The company I work for will even support me on this.
Please till me I have a chance!
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 12-13-2005, 02:59 PM
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Chopper,

Your spouse will soon find out the grass is not greener on the other side.

What she sows she shall reap.

God, does things with the best interest of all involved ... remember, purpose in suffering.

These circumstances may be necessary as they are a part of your and your wifes or your childrens life mission.

You need to BELIEVE that the outcome will be for the best, do not hang on to fear, that's Satan's tactics ... hang on to HOPE and FAITH that it will ALL work out. Cause it does ... Chopper.

Your soul needs peace ... ya know that all physical manifistations do not begin here in this world. They begin in the spiritual world. All lifes problems being in the world that cannot be seen (your thoughts have power and thoughts cannot be seen) ... your battle is not her, its in the world that cannot be seen.

What can you do?

Pray, believe and have faith that you are being heard and your cries for help will be answered. Ask and you shall receive! Simple and it works.

Hubby
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 12-13-2005, 03:38 PM
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Hi Brandon
Hubby's message is a good one.......your old vase(life) is shattered,you may be able to glue it back together but it won't look the same...who knows you may rebuild a different looking vase that you enjoy even more.

I am not sure whether it is really a gender issue or rather custodial vs non-custodial issue. These dirty tactics can be applied to female or male..but some societal biases tend to effect the male more negatively and yet there is ostracizing and guilt that the mom has to endure if she allows the Dad to be primary parent. If you get bulldog lawyers doing their best for their respective clients according to the process and tools they have to work with...it becomes a nightmare with no end. I have no idea other than to wave a white flag to get it all to stop especially if the go forward plans are so different for each side.
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 12-13-2005, 06:17 PM
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Pick and choose your battles in divorce. I'd go with the 40-50% shared parenting, and not back down. The pendulum is swinging this way in court.

Bearall, if you've been litigating this long there should be an interim custody/access order in place. This should help in the mobility issue. How far does she want to move away? Don't wave the white flag yet. Think about yourself in 10 years from now. You do not want to have regrets that you didn't fight at the time, especially when it comes to your children.
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 12-13-2005, 07:29 PM
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Grace You are correct, after a few months of collaboration meetings with shared parenting,the process broke down and she told me to go get a judge to settle the issues. After another 2 months of being restricted from my kids 3 weeks at a time and then just a few hours during each month period,I did hire a litigation lawyer,application for access/custody was made and the judge gave me every 2nd weekend and after school wed til thurs night each week. The judge gave her interim sole custody and primary care because status quo was now entrenched with me giving up the home(rather than take the law into my own hands and kick her out after I learned she had an affair in our house with our little kids in the next room).

I was eerily in a state of mind like Brandon and sought help in a wellness centre because the shock and greif was overbearing. I was there 5 days getting counselling and medication,when I realized I had a broken heart not a broken brain. This treatment is now used against me as being mentally unstable and the judge had little choice at the time to side with the mom.
The follow -up treatment was pills and I wanted no part of being dummed down just because i was sad and worried about the dissolution of the family I so loved.

The dirty tactics over the last 1.5 years would fill a novel and is almost scripted by unethical people who will try to show unfit parenting abilities to accomodate a move away. I could go on and on..........what is before the courts now is extension to wed-mon(1 week) then wed-fri am the next week.
After discovery last week my ex and her lawyer said"that access is never going to happen !...she is moving with the children and we will offer every 2nd weekend" !!!................Good grief, thats less than I see them now let alone addressing increased access-----------so now what,more conflict and hostility and guilt and wondering what is best for our kids in the long run??
Believe it or not and be aware---even stuff we write on here can be used against us by people out for ill gotten gains
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