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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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Old 12-08-2005, 09:26 AM
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Default Men get 'screwed' typically?

You hear so much about how 'men' get the short end of the stick. I find this hard to believe considering the fact that the courts primary responsibility is to the welfare of the kids.

So, how do men get 'screwed' as they say? What are things a good lawyer can do to help protect the interests of all involved?

Hubby
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Old 12-08-2005, 10:01 AM
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Sorry hubby but I take offense to that statement! I am on the other end of the stick of this one! In my first marriage, I had to pay him because he said that it was so much of a financial hardship for him! He was ordered to pay child support because I got sole custody of our daughter, and then the second time around, well if you have read my threads then you know how I am getting screwed on the second one.
I think it all comes down to who can live with what happens. I can't play the same tactics that some do, and won't. I have to be able to live with myself for everything that I do, and if I cannot look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day and be proud of who I am then I stop and think about what I am doing. I could hire a cut throat lawyer but I don't, I hired the lawyer that I researched to make sure that he did what was right, and when suggestions come from him that I do not approve of, then I say so.
It may happen that you may be on the us that do get screwed, but at least if it happens and you know you did all that you could to make it right and the other side went above and beyond to make it a nightmare, just remember, they have to live with their conscience, you don't. You live with the consequences, but it will come back to them one day........ at least I hope it will.
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Old 12-08-2005, 11:24 AM
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Lisa,

If you were in a relationship involving domestic abuse, I'd go with the cut throat lawyer. Men that abuse women/children are all about power and control. Then at the end of the day, you can look in the mirror and say, I stood up to this bully.
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Old 12-08-2005, 02:23 PM
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Default Not to be taken literally

Lisa,

I guess the underlying issue is why some people (men and woman) tend to really get the end of the stick? While others come out with fair settlements, others on the other hand are dealt a bad blow.

Why is that? Could it be the judges, the mood their in, the lawyers representing you? I'm just curious.

Hubby
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Old 12-08-2005, 07:21 PM
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Perhaps, it's the same as car accidents. Every met anyone that admits it their fault.
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Old 12-09-2005, 05:53 AM
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I seem to mirror what Hubby is talking about. I was the stay at home parent to two beautiful children for the last 5/6 years of our marriage while bringing home the bacon with my home office self-employment(main bread-winner). Man,how things can turn into a nightmare quickly while you are waiting for the courts help in resolution to bring shared parenting/joint custody,and all the other issues of divorce.
This is what one DAD wrote to me...but I could have just as easily been the author!

The "raw deal" goes well beyond the financial.

If you made the mistake of working hard to provide for your loved ones, that will be used a proof that you are the lesser parent. The "primary caregiver" doctrine places little value on men's contributions to parenting.

From that point on you have no control. You are powerless over your own destiny and that of your children. If you remark on this, you will be labelled a domineering control-freak who's only complaining because for once he doesn't have all the power. All you want is some little piece of control over your own life and that of your own children.

She will get the kids, which means she gets the house and support payments. For her, the only substantive change in her life will be that someone she didn't want to live with anymore will be removed. She'll maintain a daily life with her children, remain in familiar surroundings.

You will leave and start a life all over again. You will lose many of your belongings, find a new apartment, refurnish it as best you can. But most importantly, you will be immediately cut-off from the daily contact with your children that you so love. Noone likes to admit it, but this contact is part of the emotional framewrk of our lives. The sudden loss of it is as bad or worse than the death of a loved one. You grieve. You feel physical withdrawl. You have a natural urge to know about your children's day, to be sure everything's alright today. But you can't. And you must either learn not to think about it when you can't do anything about it, or go mad. Imagine having to teach yourself not to think about your children's daily well-being because for two weeks at a time it's none of your business.

Then comes the emotional bulemia. After two weeks of fighting back the pain of separation, suddenly the children are there again. You revel in their love and giggles like a junkee that had to wait too long. Your hovel feels like a home again. You are whole again. You are a father again. Then, sunday evening comes and they are torn from you again. Ripped from your bosom. Your heart is broken over and over and over again every two weeks. The feeling of loss is unbearable. This goes on for months, years. And you have to learn to harden your heart so that the bi-weekly heart breaking doesn't hurt so badly, yet leave it open enough to feel something. It's a tough rope to walk. Being only human, some err on the side of heartlessness, unable to cope with the recurring pain, and get labelled 'uncaring'. Others err on the side of pain, and sombre into depression, with disastrous effects on their private and professional lives, and get labelled 'broken men'.

And some do worse - anything not to be consumed by emptiness, the injustice, and the pain anymore.
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Old 12-09-2005, 08:07 AM
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Hubby and Grace,

I do feel great that I stood up and left! Although it has been a hard road to take, I took it and the kids will thank me for it later. There is no yelling, threatening etc in our home now and they know they are safe. I know I am safe. I didn't need a cut throat lawyer to accomplish that. I am sure that when my ex realizes that he has lost everything and everyone it will be his worst day! This is the day that I am not looking forward to.
Yes, I do believe that it depends on the Judge, the mood he is in, and what time of the day that you finally get to go in front of him. I am sure that they are human and they do their best to make the best of all the bad situations. I always try to remember that he is put in a situation where he has to make decisions for us, he does not know us, know anything about us....he really knows nothing. I think it comes down to who says what they need to say best. It is not a perfect system, and it is over run with too many peoples' dirty laundry. I can honestly say that I would not want to be in the Judge's position, I would always be worried about whether or not I made the right decision. I am a Nurse and I have to deal with that on a different level, it is not always easy thing to live with.
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Old 12-11-2005, 10:58 PM
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What do people think of the idea that the one who initiates the break up (except in cases where a woman is running from domestic abuse) should be the one to move out? Why should the one is willing to work things out have to move out?
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Old 12-12-2005, 12:55 PM
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My thoughts were just that, who ever is parenting the children the majority of the time in the interim (until a long term parenting plan is in place) should have posession of the home. The kids are going through enough as it is and don't need any further upheaval. But temporary does have a tendancy to become permanent, and once you leave the home (even if you are thinking about what is best for your kids) it appears that it hurts your own position on other issues being contested and isn't viewed as positively by others as you would think.
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Old 12-12-2005, 04:36 PM
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Bearall,

You are right about being at a disadvantage if you leave the home and kids. The parent left in the home with the children will have status quo, which is very difficult to change, down the road.
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