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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 08-04-2017, 10:15 AM
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Thanks for your feedback everyone, it has been very helpful. Thus far, he is the only one who has withheld access when he refused to return one child who had commitments (he was to enjoy the week with the younger one while I took care of routine with the oldest). He did not take the eldest to his camp or respond to my messages when I went to pick him up. Therefore, there is no reason to believe that the kids will be taken to their commitments if they are with him.

In this situation, I have asked clearly for a guaranteed return date only (5 times now). I have always provided one to him and he will not do so, only give a pick up time. I am just asking for equal treatment.

No abuse although I have laid out clear and relevant parenting issues (not to be spoken of here) and he won't address them. Only provides vague and unsubstantiated threats that he can provide his own against me.

As for summer sharing, it makes a lot of sense, but he refuses to talk about changes to the mutually agreed upon sharing, a schedule he himself proposed. If he were willing to sit down and talk in mediation or even just send a letter that has clear requests I would be more than happy to do so, but he just makes demands without room for negotiation. For example, as he left the matrimonial home, he asked to collect his things a long time ago. I agreed quickly but he never came (except to sneak in and take any cash or jewelry of value). Now he demands an inventory of the items in the house even though he still has full access to the home. He asks for his mail when he picks up the kids but speeds off before I can give it to him. We have a shed out back that is padlocked and he has the only key. He wants fairness but won't provide any in return.

So far he has never kept his word on anything, even changing pick up days, and I have been fully accommodating. I am not a vindictive person by nature and my lawyer truly is working to get us into mediation. I hate having to go this route but he bullied me in our marriage and I cannot allow him to do so in separation.
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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 08-04-2017, 10:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
Perhaps what might help mediation move forward positively is to think of what could be agreed to taking into account BOTH parties desires. It sounds like hes unhappy that he cant share physical custody of the kids. Perhaps you could look at what he wants and what you are willing to try/live with.

Remember that some hostility comes from a sense of frustration that someone else's views arent being considered. Just because he lives with his parents or out of the school district doesnt make him a bad parent. You dont know what he would be like if he was given the opportunity to have his children half the time.

Keep in mind they are equally his children too and keeping them with him is a very strong message to you that you cannot dictate the terms of parenting. You can either come to this conclusion yourself for free or spend tens of thousands for a judge to tell you this.
Frustration is one thing, but we had a schedule that he requested. Later he wrote saying that he would like to work towards 50/50. I said ok but I could only agree to do so if we can sit down and talk as there are reasons we split and took off.

This is a guy who dangerously destroyed the circuit breakers in our house with the kids in it when he left, requiring an electrician to reconnect it. He is prone to anger, called me the C word in front of the kids and frequently spent his income before contributing the household.

He has proven that he cannot be trusted to keep his word. We separated to protect the kids. I owe it to them to provide security going forward.
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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 08-04-2017, 11:04 AM
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It sounds as though, in the past, you and your ex have come to agreements and then he disregards them. If this is the case then what could you possibly expect to gain by mediation?

LF32 is correct in that mediation is costly and only serves to pad your lawyer's pocket. Spend your precious legal money wisely.

Of course you should be receiving detailed monthly invoices from your lawyer. These invoices will show you where your money is going.
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  #24 (permalink)  
Old 08-04-2017, 11:08 AM
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Therefore, there is no reason to believe that the kids will be taken to their commitments if they are with him.
His choice .. his parenting time. Perhaps not the best choice. But you can't halt access because of it.

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In this situation, I have asked clearly for a guaranteed return date only (5 times now). I have always provided one to him and he will not do so, only give a pick up time. I am just asking for equal treatment.
He's also asking for equal treatment. You're refusing it. Write the letter I suggested..but I surely wouldn't block access.

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No abuse although I have laid out clear and relevant parenting issues (not to be spoken of here) and he won't address them.
No abuse or history of any kind of harm to you or the kids? That's what I figured.

You are in no position to effectively assess his parenting abilities. Warring ex's tend to amplify negative qualities and minimize good ones of each other in a very subjective manner.

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If he were willing to sit down and talk in mediation or even just send a letter that has clear requests I would be more than happy to do so, but he just makes demands without room for negotiation.
Are you telling him that "you're willing" to negotiate his 50/50 request? Or is it "Come to mediation but dont even think about having an equal relationship with your kids"? If so .. I wouldn't either.

Quote:
I said ok but I could only agree to do so if we can sit down and talk as there are reasons we split and took off.
Wait, so you're okay with 50/50 .. as long as he discusses why he left you? Oh no .. try to keep your relationship with him separate from his relationship with his kids.

Quote:
He is prone to anger, called me the C word in front of the kids and frequently spent his income before contributing the household.
Are you a church mouse that sits quietly during arguments? Just curious. Not nice of him for sure, but not a significant enough reason to refuse 50/50 or block any kind of access.

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We separated to protect the kids. I owe it to them to provide security going forward.
So his parents and he can provide security for the kids every other weekend, midweek... and long weeks that you leave them there while you work ... but not on a 50/50 basis? I'm just trying to understand. BTW .. in my opinion what you owe your kids is an opportunity to enjoy an equal relationship with 2 loving parents. He sounds like he's good to them .. just not so good at navigating all the intricacies of separation and communication with you. That can be resolved with time .. but time the kids spend with him cant be replaced.

Last edited by LovingFather32; 08-04-2017 at 11:19 AM.
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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 08-04-2017, 11:30 AM
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[Write the letter I suggested..but I surely wouldn't block access.

[/QUOTE]

The letter you suggested was sent before the last time he did not return S5 (ie: the negative option). This time I am asking him to agree to a return date. He has not even provided an alternate return date.

As far as trying to understand what I am doing, that isn't really relevant. Each situation is different and everyone's advice (including yours) has been very helpful and different.
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  #26 (permalink)  
Old 08-04-2017, 11:48 AM
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I think that you need a solid agreement put in writing with enforcement clauses so the two of you can start having consequences for fighting over 50/50 vs no 50/50.

I think somebody said above .. he's actually entitled equal access right now with no formal agreement. There was a brief pause right after separation to let things cool down, but he's been fighting for 50/50 for a while it sound like. You're actually in the wrong for denying him that...unless you have "in writing" that he doesnt want 50/50...but doesnt sound like you do.

For communication, I would recommend www.ourfamilywizard.com. It's a great service.

Whatever you do, I wouldn't go to court saying things like, he's not good at feeding, he has parenting issues, I dont like how he spends his money, I cant let him have 50/50 until we talk about why he left, etc.

Where's the "he's an alcoholic who drives under the influence? "He has a cocaine problem". "He hits the kids and calls them names". "He slaps me in the face". These are reasons to deny equal parenting. Your reasons arn't very good so far.

Judges will conclude that you're grasping for straws and denying an equal relationship as revenge for leaving.

You haven't answered many of my q's .. not sure why?

What if he agreed to sit and discuss why he left? Would you consider 50/50?
What if you said you would discuss the possibility of 50/50 if he attended mediation? Have you done this?

If it's just that you dont want him to be an equal parenting, then I smell a long, bloody battle ahead. Sad really because it seems like he's a good parent, just not very good chemistry with you...which is pretty normal actually after breakups.

You want him to adhere to everything you want .. but wont consider what he wants...which just seems to be an equal relationship with his kids. For some reason, some parents take huge issue with that when they shouldn't.

Last edited by LovingFather32; 08-04-2017 at 12:01 PM.
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  #27 (permalink)  
Old 08-04-2017, 12:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingFather32 View Post
Are you telling him that "you're willing" to negotiate his 50/50 request? Or is it "Come to mediation but dont even think about having an equal relationship with your kids"? If so .. I wouldn't either.

Wait, so you're okay with 50/50 .. as long as he discusses why he left you? Oh no .. try to keep your relationship with him separate from his relationship with his kids.

Are you a church mouse that sits quietly during arguments? Just curious. Not nice of him for sure, but not a significant enough reason to refuse 50/50 or block any kind of access.

So his parents and he can provide security for the kids every other weekend, midweek... and long weeks that you leave them there while you work ... but not on a 50/50 basis? I'm just trying to understand. BTW .. in my opinion what you owe your kids is an opportunity to enjoy an equal relationship with 2 loving parents. He sounds like he's good to them .. just not so good at navigating all the intricacies of separation and communication with you. That can be resolved with time .. but time the kids spend with him cant be replaced.
It doesn't sound to me like she's trying to deny 50-50. It sounds like she wants to work together with him to figure out a 50-50 schedule that works for both parents and the children's schedule, and he's refusing to do anything but dictate the schedule he wants, and then not deal with the children's regular activities whatsoever. He won't even tell her what day he intends his access to be over.

As for her wanting to sit down and talk it over and mediate, I didn't interpret that as her wanting to talk about the split. I inferred that the reasons for the split probably had something to do with him being such a dictator, which he is continuing to do.

They need to create a predictable 50-50 schedule that compromises between all their needs (both parents and the children). If he won't sit down with her and figure it out respectfully, or participate in mediation, she'll have to go to court.

If he won't sit down with her, she can send offers to settle with a suggested 50-50 schedule. If he won't respond to her offers to settle, she'll have to initiate court. She's been trying to avoid spending money on court/lawyers, but his tactic is apparently to bully her into meekly submitting to his demands (as he may have trained her to do during the marriage).

So she needs to not submit, stand up for herself, and be reasonable and calm in response to his bullying, keep a journal of all his unreasonable incidents of lack of cooperation, and go into court armed with this record.
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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 08-04-2017, 12:14 PM
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It doesn't sound to me like she's trying to deny 50-50. It sounds like she wants to work together with him to figure out a 50-50 schedule that works for both parents and the children's schedule, and he's refusing to do anything but dictate the schedule he wants, and then not deal with the children's regular activities whatsoever. He won't even tell her what day he intends his access to be over.
Is that the case? I'm not really clear as she won't answer me.

Lola .. would you be open to discussing 50/50 if he sat in mediation and tried to settle amicably? Or are you dead set against 50/50 as you say he's trying to force it.

Rioe .. I dont believe she's trynig to work out a 50/50 regime at all. She says that he has parenting issues and that she needs to provide "security" to her kids and protect them. That doesnt sound like willingness to work out 50/50 does it?

Quote:
I inferred that the reasons for the split probably had something to do with him being such a dictator, which he is continuing to do.
Dictator? Hmm .. I wonder if my ex labelled me that for wanting an equal relationship with D6? When a parent is denied an equal relationship..there is a dictator in the equation alright lol.

Quote:
but his tactic is apparently to bully her into meekly submitting to his demands (as he may have trained her to do during the marriage).
Please .. the guy wants to see his kids on an equal basis. She's saying "no" so he's taking it into his own hands. A bully because he want to see his kids equally? Gahh

Quote:
If he won't sit down with her, she can send offers to settle with a suggested 50-50 schedule.
If she does this she rocks .. she made the right move and I commend her. If he refuses he deserves any crap he gets. She wont do this though...guaranteed.

Quote:
So she needs to not submit, stand up for herself, and be reasonable and calm in response to his bullying, keep a journal of all his unreasonable incidents of lack of cooperation, and go into court armed with this record.
Likewise, I'm sure he will have a pile of denials, forcing him to keep the kids a bit longer than she ordered him to. I wonder what the judge will say about her allowing every other weekend, midweek, long week stays while shes at work ... but not 50/50. Another case that makes zero sense to me. No 50/50 because man = bully. But man is not the one denying an equal relationship. If he were he'd be burned at the stake by every single poster here.
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 08-04-2017, 12:27 PM
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Lola .. thanks for the PM. Apologies if I'm overly passionate about equal relationships.

You mentioned in the PM that you did in fact tell him you'd like to pursue a 50/50 situation if he agreed to sit down in mediation. Good for you. You have me now. :-)
I would go one step further and send an official offer to settle (giving different 50/50 scenarios) as Rioe pointed out. This will be important in future court and will help get you "costs".

If he's being an ass about all the above then he doesn't deserve 50/50.
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Old 08-04-2017, 12:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingFather32 View Post
Rioe .. I dont believe she's trynig to work out a 50/50 regime at all. She says that he has parenting issues and that she needs to provide "security" to her kids and protect them. That doesnt sound like willingness to work out 50/50 does it?

Dictator? Hmm .. I wonder if my ex labelled me that for wanting an equal relationship with D6? When a parent is denied an equal relationship..there is a dictator in the equation alright lol.

Please .. the guy wants to see his kids on an equal basis. She's saying "no" so he's taking it into his own hands. A bully because he want to see his kids equally? Gahh

If she does this she rocks .. she made the right move and I commend her. If he refuses he deserves any crap he gets. She wont do this though...guaranteed.

Likewise, I'm sure he will have a pile of denials, forcing him to keep the kids a bit longer than she ordered him to. I wonder what the judge will say about her allowing every other weekend, midweek, long week stays while shes at work ... but not 50/50. Another case that makes zero sense to me. No 50/50 because man = bully. But man is not the one denying an equal relationship. If he were he'd be burned at the stake by every single poster here.
I'm not reading it as her refusing to give him the kids (though she said she was considering it which we've pointed out is wrong), or refusing to cooperate with 50-50, but simply her frustration at him not arranging a day for her to get them back! He didn't seem to be saying "I want them for a week then you get them for a week, or I want 50-50 on this schedule so I'll return them on X day," but simply "I'm taking them now, and not telling you when you'll get them back."

That he leaves them with his parents a lot, refuses to bring them to their activities and doesn't feed one kid a medically-required special diet are other issues not related to access time.
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