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-   -   Mediation with a hostile partner (http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f3/mediation-hostile-partner-21248/)

Lola1981 08-03-2017 11:12 AM

Mediation with a hostile partner
 
Hello, this is my first post on this site and appreciate any help I can get.

My spouse and I separated three months ago. It was a heated event after a long struggle and he disconnected the power from our house in the middle of the night before he left (with the kids and I in it). He also refused to see the kids for several weeks, finally saying I should keep the house and kids and tell the kids he is dead.

My lawyer and I both have asked many times to mediate but he refuses.

Finally he calmed down and we were working with an every other weekend/one night a week schedule. He is with his parents far from the kids' school and daycare so my having them made the most practical sense.

Recently, he has tried to force me to change to a 50/50 schedule but still refuses to mediate and get a legal agreement. The schedule was working well and he has had them for weeks when I had a work trip or the daycare was closed (his parents looked after the kids, not him). I have thus far provided the stable environment and he stopped providing any child support in June.

Two weeks ago he refused to return the kids after his weekend and also would not return my messages. During the week he did not bring B5 to his day camp or follow his diet needs which causes issues and pain.

Now, my lawyer and I are still trying to get him to mediation and also trying to get him to agree to a set return date after this weekend (Monday). Otherwise I will have to refuse to release the kids to his care because he is not providing security. I hate to do this but he is not giving me another choice.

Has anyone here got any suggestions or experience trying to get a hostile ex to be reasonable and mediate? We're just trying to get something down for the security of the kids.

Rioe 08-03-2017 11:32 AM

He does not sound like the kind of guy mediation would be successful with in any shape or form. Both people really need to both want to come to an agreement and be able to cooperate. Why is your lawyer not suggesting you go right to court?

I would not keep the kids from him. Just document and journal every time he does not return them as agreed upon. That way he's clearly the one being unreasonable when you are showing the judge what's been going on.

Lola1981 08-03-2017 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rioe (Post 222613)
He does not sound like the kind of guy mediation would be successful with in any shape or form. Both people really need to both want to come to an agreement and be able to cooperate. Why is your lawyer not suggesting you go right to court?

I would not keep the kids from him. Just document and journal every time he does not return them as agreed upon. That way he's clearly the one being unreasonable when you are showing the judge what's been going on.

Thank you. The issue is that he has refused to provide a return date (only a pick up date). That is what we are asking for before the kids are released into his care. If he can give me that, I will be happy to honour our agreement.

As for court, to save costs we'd like to try mediation first. He has not provided any reason why he won't go that route. We offered shuttle mediation which might be more attractive to him. The costs are huge for court and it would be ideal to avoid that.

rockscan 08-03-2017 12:05 PM

The longer you delay in a final order the longer you live with his games. If he continues to refuse mediation you will need to go to court. You may want to start looking at your expenses and moving this forward. Without an order you have no control over what he does or doesnt do.

arabian 08-03-2017 12:35 PM

Mediation is expensive waste of time IMO. Start court process. It is lengthy. You have to attend case conferences which is basically you, your lawyer, your ex and his lawyer along with an impartial judge. You can continue to negotiate through that process. You would probably find that you need to do the case conference thing anyhow so why waste time and money on mediation?

denbigh 08-03-2017 12:55 PM

I similarily separated a few months ago and really wanted to do mediation. My ex refused wanting to only go through lawyers. I was really disappointed because I thought it would be a lot more expensive thgouth the lawyers, which it is, but now that I have seen his offer, countered it, and seen his response, we are clearly never going to agree on two very major issues (SS and access) so if we had done mediation I would have paid for nothing. So now I also am not sure what to do. The lawyer suggested a 4 way conference, which I think will work out some smaller problems, but I have a feeling the major issues won't be sorted and then we are going to end up in court anyways. I'm not sure a 4 way is even worth it, other than ironing out some smaller issues so that only the big ones end up before a judge. You ex spouse sounds similar in that if he is refuseing mediation, it is a sign he is are not wiling to negotiate and mediation wouldn't work anyways.

Lola1981 08-03-2017 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by denbigh (Post 222621)
I similarily separated a few months ago and really wanted to do mediation. My ex refused wanting to only go through lawyers. I was really disappointed because I thought it would be a lot more expensive thgouth the lawyers, which it is, but now that I have seen his offer, countered it, and seen his response, we are clearly never going to agree on two very major issues (SS and access) so if we had done mediation I would have paid for nothing. So now I also am not sure what to do. The lawyer suggested a 4 way conference, which I think will work out some smaller problems, but I have a feeling the major issues won't be sorted and then we are going to end up in court anyways. I'm not sure a 4 way is even worth it, other than ironing out some smaller issues so that only the big ones end up before a judge. You ex spouse sounds similar in that if he is refuseing mediation, it is a sign he is are not wiling to negotiate and mediation wouldn't work anyways.

I understand your frustration. I have been surprised by his refusals but am trying to ensure I take the high ground on everything. My offers of mediation are genuine but also a record that I tried to be collaborative. All I know is that a court process is long and expensive. He knows this instability causes me stress and hopes that keeping this method up will cause me to cave to his demands (even though he refuses all my requests).

rockscan 08-03-2017 01:33 PM

My partners ex walked into mediation and said he gets nothing. The mediator reminded her of the rules and what could happen. She walked out. He had to file a court application and the ex told the judge he gets nothing. The judge was not impressed. Ex ended up having to pay out big time.

For the current issue she asked for mediation. There was nothing to mediate because it was straightforward child support guideline amounts and the section 7 rules. She filed a court application. Cant wait to see what will happen. My partner is currently in for $2000 with his lawyer.

Going to Jail 08-03-2017 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lola1981 (Post 222612)
I have thus far provided the stable environment and he stopped providing any child support in June.

Has anyone here got any suggestions or experience trying to get a hostile ex to be reasonable and mediate? We're just trying to get something down for the security of the kids.

If you are in Ontario, I suggest you open a case with the FRO immediately.
They will take several enforcement actions to get you the child support and spousal support you deserve.

They can take away his driver's licence, garnishee his pay, cancel his passport , and obtain a writ of seizure on any property. They can also report him to the credit bureau, post his photo on the FRO website, and bring him to court for a default hearing. Also, the FRO can get a warrant of committal ( send him to jail up to 180 days) if he doesn't comply with a temporary default order.

You don't have to do any of this yourself, you can relax and leave it to the FRO. You can also deny access to the kids without blame. No worries.
Also, the Court will Order him to pay all legal costs, yours and his, if he doesn't cooperate fully with the divorce process, which may take several years to sort.

You're holding all the cards here. Good Luck.

rockscan 08-03-2017 02:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Going to Jail (Post 222626)
If you are in Ontario, I suggest you open a case with the FRO immediately.

They will take several enforcement actions to get you the child support and spousal support you deserve.



They can take away his driver's licence, garnishee his pay, cancel his passport , and obtain a writ of seizure on any property. They can also report him to the credit bureau, post his photo on the FRO website, and bring him to court for a default hearing. Also, the FRO can get a warrant of committal ( send him to jail up to 180 days) if he doesn't comply with a temporary default order.



You don't have to do any of this yourself, you can relax and leave it to the FRO. You can also deny access to the kids without blame. No worries.

Also, the Court will Order him to pay all legal costs, yours and his, if he doesn't cooperate fully with the divorce process, which may take several years to sort.



You're holding all the cards here. Good Luck.



It doesnt sound like they have an agreement or order which FRO would need.

Walk before you run people.


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