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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 10-02-2015, 04:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Kita22 View Post
This is what MY SON has requested. I've told my son that if he wanted to spend all summer with his father than I would be fine with that. If he was ok with every other weekend then I would be fine with that. He's not comfortable with his father and his father does not care to try to make him comfortable.

I get that there are a lot of dads on here with ex's that keep their kids away for their own selfish reasons but this is NOT ME.
Your son is not old enough to make these decisions. However you do not want advice, you want someone to tell you that you are right in only allowing Dad to see his child when the child isn't busy. You won't find anyone here (that knows anything about the law) tell you this. You should maybe get a lawyer and run this by them, as you don't want to take the advice of some very knowledgeable posters (such as HammerDad)
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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 10-02-2015, 04:54 PM
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I'm sorry I didn't realize this was more a forum for bitter dads.
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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 10-02-2015, 04:55 PM
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I'm sorry I didn't realize this was more a forum for bitter dads.
A- I am not a Dad
B - HammerDad isn't bitter, but rather intelligent... but you will figure that out on your own
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  #24 (permalink)  
Old 10-02-2015, 04:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Kita22 View Post
This is what MY SON has requested. I've told my son that if he wanted to spend all summer with his father than I would be fine with that. If he was ok with every other weekend then I would be fine with that. He's not comfortable with his father and his father does not care to try to make him comfortable.
At twelve, a court will start to consider the child's wishes. The maturity of the child and their reasoning will be factored by the judge when they make a decision. But it is inappropriate to suggest to the child now that they have a choice. It puts them in the middle and forces them to choose sides and is not in the child's best interests.

Quote:
I get that there are a lot of dads on here with ex's that keep their kids away for their own selfish reasons but this is NOT ME.
I can't see how wanting to spend more time with the child is selfish. Especially considering that the increased time will have zero impact on the amount of c/s paid. If your ex was asking for over 40% of the time with the child, then I may be able to equate it to trying to reduce c/s. But it doesn't sound like that is the case. It is likely more reasonable to believe this is a matter of trying to make up for lost time/past mistakes. I don't consider you selfish for wanting to spend time with your child. So why would I consider him selfish?
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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 10-02-2015, 05:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Kita22 View Post
I'm sorry I didn't realize this was more a forum for bitter dads.
I called the ex a douchebag, said he made mistakes and said you will likely see some sort of success should it end up in court. Just not the level of success you want. But I am bitter?

I am sorry I am not agreeing with you or providing you with the answer you want to hear. I am not sorry for letting you know what is reasonably likely to happen. That a relationship with a parent is more important than hockey.
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  #26 (permalink)  
Old 10-02-2015, 05:15 PM
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Hockey aside, shouldn't this dad have to prove he is now prepared to step up and spend regular access time with kid on a gradual basis before his life is turned upside down with a sudden every other weekend order and several weeks during the summer?

IMHO, mom seems to be more concerned that ex could be doing this as payback for her request for table child support.

If ex follows his old patterns he could well lose interest in spending every other weekend with the kid and their son will be left with another rejection by his dad.
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  #27 (permalink)  
Old 10-02-2015, 05:24 PM
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Originally Posted by YoungDad23 View Post
Hockey aside, shouldn't this dad have to prove he is now prepared to step up and spend regular access time with kid on a gradual basis before his life is turned upside down with a sudden every other weekend order and several weeks during the summer?

IMHO, mom seems to be more concerned that ex could be doing this as payback for her request for table child support.

If ex follows his old patterns he could well lose interest in spending every other weekend with the kid and their son will be left with another rejection by his dad.
And how does he prove this? What tests would one use in order to prove intent? Would the ex have to post some sort of bond and should they fail to exercise their parenting time regularly, they lose the funds? Simple answer is that you can't prove his intent isn't legit until their actions prove otherwise.

What impact is there in ordering regular parenting time and the ex reverting to their old ways? There is little to no risk or negative impact to the op if the ex acts like an idiot. The order would exist, but if he fails to abide by it, only he loses out.

Edit- and as for the suggestion that it is retribution for updating c/s, there will be no impact to c/s if parenting time is awarded to the ex. And I cannot see how wanting to spend time with ones chose could otherwise be found to be vindictive.

Last edited by HammerDad; 10-02-2015 at 05:28 PM.
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Old 10-02-2015, 06:07 PM
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Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
And how does he prove this? What tests would one use in order to prove intent? Would the ex have to post some sort of bond and should they fail to exercise their parenting time regularly, they lose the funds? Simple answer is that you can't prove his intent isn't legit until their actions prove otherwise.

What impact is there in ordering regular parenting time and the ex reverting to their old ways? There is little to no risk or negative impact to the op if the ex acts like an idiot. The order would exist, but if he fails to abide by it, only he loses out.
I guess I didn't express myself properly. Couldn't access be granted to this dad on a graduated basis through interim orders?

e.g. 1 day per week for X weeks before overnights are granted, one overnight for X weeks before full weekends are granted with reviews at each stage to discuss dad's follow through at conferences or continuations of the motion?

I'm just going back to when I was first being granted access time with my son. The judge was firm in telling me that I had better show up for ALL my access visits.

Granted my son was a baby during that time but had I not exercised my access my son wouldn't have known the difference, this kid is old enough to know if dad stands him up.
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 10-02-2015, 06:14 PM
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A sperm donor from 11 years ago does not a father make, and I understand your concerns. The status quo has long been established, and the child is in -and has been for the last 4-5 years- the A hockey division as his extracurricular.

I don’t think you’ll have any issues whatsoever in requiring not only a step-up access regime given the long term absence of the parent in the child’s life, but also one which includes working around the kidlet’s existing extracurricular schedule re: hockey. That is not unreasonable given the circumstances you have posted.

You are aware, however, that an access regime [which increases time] does need to be agreed to? And although the child’s wishes could be considered by both parties at the age of 11 [certainly his views would be heard by the OCL], by no means does the child dictate access.

As the more reasonable parent, you need to encourage a parenting plan that is going to work for both households and that encourages establishing a more solid relationship between father and son. Whether the father takes advantage of the time is up to the father, and not up to your child at the age of 11.

And really – kudo’s to your ex for stepping it up, kicking the habits and attempting to be the person that wants to now be involved with and parent the kidlet. That takes strength that many don’t have.


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Originally Posted by Kita22 View Post
Recently when I asked him to sit down and have an open dialogue with our son about why he doesn't want to spend more time with him his response was "whatever" and it hasn't happened.
^That would be a very poor parenting decision for you to encourage and I’m sure, upon reflection, you will agree involving an 11 yr old in the conversations of adults is inappropriate. No one should be pitting a child against a parent. I'm sure they'll have a conversation in due course as your son becomes a man, about their history.
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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 10-02-2015, 06:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kita22 View Post
This is what MY SON has requested. I've told my son that if he wanted to spend all summer with his father than I would be fine with that. If he was ok with every other weekend then I would be fine with that. He's not comfortable with his father and his father does not care to try to make him comfortable.

I get that there are a lot of dads on here with ex's that keep their kids away for their own selfish reasons but this is NOT ME.
Your son doesn't get to make the decision about seeing his dad, just like he doesn't get to make decisions about going to school or seeing the doctor. He can make decisions about minor things, but on the important things in life, the adults decide. I'm not surprised that he's not comfortable if he's seen very little of Dad for the last however many years, but when it comes to having a relationship with the other parent, you may need to push him gently out of his comfort zone.

The only way Dad can prove that he can play an important role in Kid's life is if you let him, which means working with Dad to come up with a schedule and presenting it to Kid. Maybe Dad won't come through, but you don't know that now. This is more important than hockey.

(And things will go better if you and Dad work out a schedule rather than having a judge tell you that Dad gets every other weekend starting next week).
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