Husband wants to "postpone" Separation for 2 years until kids are 18

[Margaret-Krupa]

Hello Everyone,

I am looking for a word of advice and/or sharing your own experiences regarding what I can/should do. We seriously discussed separation with my husband a month ago and we both are in agreement that our marriage is "over" and we should separate and move on with our lives. We have two sons, ages 15 and 17. My husband said that I can go ahead and look for a real estate agent, lawyer, look into my financial situation, etc to get documents started. So I did. I had an agent evaluate our house, I applied for and was approved for a mortgage to pay my husband off, found a lawyer who would draft the Separation Agreement for us and when I told him that everything is in place and that he has time to the end of June (3 months) to make his arrangments to separate, he suddenly told me that he wants to stay here until both boy reach the age of majority, ie. 18. I was really surprized to hear this. He does not treat me well, he is emotionally very abusive especially to me and now that I have accepted that our marriage is irreparable (I am going to counselling regularly so this helped me to get to this point) I really would like for him to leave my life, I welcome hiim to stay in our sons life and I will always remain a faciliator for him and the boys. My question is: Is there anyhting I can do to move this separation along now? I fear that in two years he will find anohter reason not to leave. Knowing him for 22 years I think he is really scared to be on his own and it is simply more convenient for him to live with me because I always am there for him for any reason. I will not change, no matter how much he will abuse me emotionally (I tried hard ....). Can I just file a Petition for Divorce? Should I really wait those 2 more years (I am afraid that the value of our house will go up so much that I will not be able to pay him off). Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[tugofwar]

Are the boys staying with you? What was discussed regarding custody arrangements? Maybe he's postponing so he doesn't have to pay child support?
You started the process already, I myself would continue to do so.
How are you suppose to move on with your life with him there?

[Margaret-Krupa]

Thank you very much for your reply.
Yes, the boys are staying with me. As to custody, I assume that I will have full custody because my husband told me about 3 months ago that he does not want to participate taking care of them and he does keep his word. He does not care if the boys have trouble at school or if they stay up too late. He just makes ridiculing remarks towards my ``mothercare``. As to child support I suspect that he would be more than happy to avoid payments, he was working in general labour and now that he is over 50 it is hard for him to find and keep a job. But I would not be angry if he did not pay support - I prefer to have a very poor but less stressful life. I already am on Long Term Disability for depression and ED and it does not look like I will be able to go back to work soon. What I would like is just to regain my self-worth, start meeting up with people again (I have been avoiding any social contacts for the last 4 years) and make new social connections. For me to sign up and start conversations on this forum is quite a step forward... Anyway, so what do you think I should do? I cannot and would not even want to forcibly move my husband out but how can I make him realize that I am very serious about separation and what can I legally do to start the separation/divorce proceedings now, even though he does not want to do so? Thank you for your comments. MK

[tugofwar]

Ok so if he leaves the home and you are on disability, do you have enough money for yourself, your two children, the house, mortgage and bills?

He has a responsibility to provide financial support if he wants or doesn't want to be a father to the children. This money will help them and provide them with what they need. Yes, would it not just be easier to say don't pay and get lost. But, you and your children will suffer financially.

You are trying to better yourself, get help but you two living together and his suggestions will not help you get better for yourself.

You have to do what you feel you need to do for yourself. I don't think you will get far with self healing with him still there. Just my opinion.

[Margaret-Krupa]

Thank you TugofWar. Your observations perfectly describe my situation (or how I see it)! I have been in hospital for treatment twice (each time for 3 months) in the last 4 years and just been accepted for another out-patient treatment which I will start at the end of this month. My LTD is quite good because I had a good paying job before I left on disability. I was approved for CPP Disability as well, so I am getting money from the Goverment and the insurance is "topping it up", so my monthly income is equal to much better than minimum wage paying job. I was approved for a mortgage amount which I would need to take out in order to pay my husband off. My husband offered to pay for the children "whatever he will have to" according to the law. So I think that he will pay as long as he has a job. Right now he is on EI, taking a training course and I really cannot guess whether he will find and keep a job after that. Up till now I always took care of looking for his employment but this time I am not at all keen on doing so again. I am simply tired and frustrated with utilizing my deep energy resources for his affairs and not getting any credit for it. He never really thanked me for finding him a job, convincing him to go back to school and having his Second Career application completed and approved by the Government, etc. I just do not want to be "mothering" him any more - I do agree I spoiled the boys but I spoiled him just as well... Anyway, how can I enforce the separation process on him. I want to do it gently but surely.
Thank you for your comments. MK

[blinkandimgone]

You can certainly start separation and divorce proceedings on your own without waiting for his approval. Why wait another two years if you're miserable NOW?? blech.

There's tonnes of really really usefull advice on this forum about getting started so read up and try to answer as many questions as you can on your own before seeing a lawyer. Gather all financial documents as well and make copies for yourself and make use of free consultation times from different lawyers in the area. Go in prepared with your questions ready to make the most of your time.

[Mess]

You can start your application for divorce now, but you can't be divorced until you've been separated for 1 year.

You need to establish that you are legally separated. To do this, you need to first of all not be sleeping together and you should have a lock on the bedroom door. You also need to close any joint accounts, anything you can think of that you are signed up for together.

Part of this definition is whether you are still married in the eyes of the community. At the most simple, it means you should tell the neighbours and family what's going on, instead of pretending everything is "normal" (lots of people pretend). Informing the bank, updating your information as "separated" in as many government forms as you can think of, in any way you can you want to be able to show that you had intentionally ended the marriage on a certain date. Inform the children's school, daycare, etc in writing, probably some kind of note that you are separating and in the interim you have joint custody. (Joint custody is the default situation until you agree otherwise, or a court orders otherwise.)

This is important because he doesn't want to leave now, and I'm presuming you don't want to leave the home either. At least for the time being, you are stuck living together, but you want to start the proceedings.

You can't kick each other out of the home, but you can file a motion in the courts for exclusive possession of the home right away. This in itself will be a very nice indication that you are separated, as soon as you file the document.

If he becomes overly verbally abusive, or physically abusive in any way, you should call the police and make sure to get a police report.

After 90 days you can file with Canada Revenue that you are separated, which will affect things like CPP and benefits and child tax credit. There is a form you can download on their website.

As soon as you start doing things like these, he will of course be mad and more abusive. So be prepared and you should straighten out your finances right away. Make sure you don't have any joint debt, if you do arrange to freeze the accounts. Close or freeze joint bank accounts, especially if they have any credit attached like NSF protection. Make an appointment with the bank manager and explain that you are separating and you want all accounts closed or frozen. Don't just try to deal with a teller, they will often say they can't do it for whatever reason. Sometimes you have to be firm that you are not going to be responsible for use of the accounts or any overdrafts or debts.

You probably have a joint mortgage of some kind, not much you can do about that right away.

You need to ensure your own finances for the short to medium term, and if possible you should take out a line of credit secured against your home ahead of time, to pay your legal costs, etc.

I would suggest that you make a list of all these things, list all your bank accounts and anything where you can update your status as "separated", get all the addresses together, have it all ready, and then take one or two days and try to get as much done all at once as possible.

[Margaret-Krupa]

Thank you for your reply Blinkandimgone. You are absolutely right here "Why wait another two years if you're miserable NOW??" I AM miserable now. My husband says that our marriage is over but he wants to stay with me and the boys for the next to years because he wants to be considered a "responsible" father for not leaving his children before they reach the age of majority. I question his reasoning but do not feel it would be appropriate to comment further. So, if I want to proceed with separation, I need to see a lawyer and he/she will guide me what needs to be done? Am I right here?

[Margaret-Krupa]

Thank you Mess!!! I will make a list and as soon as I have one of those days when I get up and feel the urge to "jump on to things right away" I will do all that. Because, experience taught me that "once done it's done - no more hesitation"
MK

[blinkandimgone]

I think you'r emaking the right choice, especially for the children. Staying together 'for the children' is a terrible example for them as they are learning from the two of you how to form relationships - it's just not healthy. Besides, he's not 'leaving' the children, the two of you have decided not to be a couple anymore. He's not divorcing the children for heaven's sake! It does not sound like he is particularly involved with them anyways, but hopefully that might change if he has less time with them and really learns to value them as people and it inspires him to be more engaged.

You don't need to start with a lawyer, you will want to do as much as you can on your own first to keep the costs down. Follow Mess's advice and once you are all prepped then go see a lawyer. Don't not take the child support!! The money is for your children and they have a right to be supported by their father, especially when it comes to later on when things like college etc approach.