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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2016, 12:35 AM
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Originally Posted by undersc0re View Post
It is just me and mother inlaw, the ex never shows up to court or anything related such as these case conferences.
The initial court appearance was ex mother inlaws application for access order, asking for an overnight and evening, judge immediately put it to a family case conference.
First fcc judge gave her interim order for access a few months ago that expires at second fcc which we scheduled.
This second case conference is tomorrow and I expect ex mother inlaw to ask for overnights every 2 weeks as per a text she got from her 9yr old grand daughter asking for it.
I disagree with any access, but it will cost me dearly in more missed work, time, money and family stress to fight it, so it feels like I have to bow down and give up and the ex doesn't care at all, except that maybe the ex might get money from mother inlaw to do what she wants...other than that those 2 don't really talk.
I guess I can ask about binding arbitration or another route I can take, I thought a trial would be cheap with no lawyers, we both currently do not have one, and I could just get a doctors note introduced if allowed by judge.
Hopefully that helps you understand a little better.

When I told judge I disagree with the order he said he will make it anyways and the next step is trial, he looked at me sternly when he said that heh.
Do not consent or sign anything that you do not agree with. Sounds like the judge is not given any weight to your evidence and wants the child in the grandmother's hands.

Any allegations of abuse made without evidence will hurt your case.

Just focus on yourself - you are the father and it is in the child's best interest to have access with your as per the maximum contact principal. That's all you need to say and the onus then becomes on them to prove otherwise - that's when you deny everything they say. They will need evidence to prove it. If they get you to admit to it under oath then that could be used against you. Keep fighting pal, if you lose, then you have the right to appeal.

Also don't forget that you have the right to file a complaint with the Judical Council if you feel that the judge is being disrespectful to you.

Last edited by trinton; 10-18-2016 at 12:37 AM.
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Old 10-18-2016, 10:15 AM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
Put one foot in front of the other and don't get ahead of yourself.

Keep things simple. You want what is best for your daughter. As long as you don't come across as merely smearing the grandmother out of spite and can offer real substantive reasons for not wanting her access increase, you should do ok.

Remember that should you decide to take the matter further (go to trial or arbitration) that everything decided on tomorrow can be changed.

You can ask the judge for solutions or alternatives. You might be surprised and end up receiving some useful advice.

I think it is quite peculiar that your ex isn't in attendance (unless she is incarcerated).
The ex is selfish, abusive, bad tempered, and a very mean person, she is a wackjob unfortunately and the apple tree is just the same. It is too bad for the children(step daughter and daughter)but I am doing my best, no matter how hard I try I am always an asshole and it seems like the ex mother inlaw is mad at me for being a better parent than her and her daughter and it almost seems like she is trying to ruin things ever since the seperation. The ex has missed in total 7 court dates or fcc and mediations.
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Old 10-18-2016, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by undersc0re View Post
The ex is selfish, abusive, bad tempered, and a very mean person, she is a wackjob unfortunately and the apple tree is just the same. It is too bad for the children(step daughter and daughter)but I am doing my best, no matter how hard I try I am always an asshole and it seems like the ex mother inlaw is mad at me for being a better parent than her and her daughter and it almost seems like she is trying to ruin things ever since the seperation. The ex has missed in total 7 court dates or fcc and mediations.
Using that language against her is not going to help your case.

Her being selfish has no effect on her parenting abilities.

You need to have evidence and prove that she is abusive and bad tempered, perhaps if she freaks out or acts out in court then you could use that as evidence

Her being mean doesn't effect her parenting abilities, is she being mean to you and disparaging the child? You could mention that she disparagaes you to the child and leave it at that.

They will always tailor their affidavits to make you appear as a bad person and throw in a couple lies on top - that's just how people are in this country when it comes to the court systems

Was there any adjournments for them not showing up to court? You could seek costs if the matters were adjourned for them not being present

You have to focus less on what they say about you and focus more on your rights to your child - they can say whatever they want and they will - it's how you react to it or if you react to it at all that can make the difference - why would these things bother you if they're not true?
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Old 10-18-2016, 11:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trinton View Post
Using that language against her is not going to help your case.

Her being selfish has no effect on her parenting abilities.

You need to have evidence and prove that she is abusive and bad tempered, perhaps if she freaks out or acts out in court then you could use that as evidence

Her being mean doesn't effect her parenting abilities, is she being mean to you and disparaging the child? You could mention that she disparagaes you to the child and leave it at that.

They will always tailor their affidavits to make you appear as a bad person and throw in a couple lies on top - that's just how people are in this country when it comes to the court systems

Was there any adjournments for them not showing up to court? You could seek costs if the matters were adjourned for them not being present

You have to focus less on what they say about you and focus more on your rights to your child - they can say whatever they want and they will - it's how you react to it or if you react to it at all that can make the difference - why would these things bother you if they're not true?
I do not use that language in the courthouse or in front of the kids. It only bothers me that my child is affected, especially as of late. I did not say anything about the court deal in front of child, but grandma did big time and it shows with the child stressing out, but she can just lie and say she didn't. I know, and my stepdaughter knows that grandma is doing this just to prove a point and one up me, because to her its a big game, stepdaughter has even said that she has said she is just proving a point that she can do this. Grandma showed her true side right at the end of the last fcc when she wouldn't accept the affidavit I handed her(she did not change her address with court)until that day, grandma refused the document and kept pushing back to me, judge asked to just accept it and she said no, this is personal and you don't understand...judge eventually talked her into taking it...she huffed and puffed.
The order states we will not talk about the issue in front of or to the child. She totally did not follow that part of it, so that will be my first issue as there is no doubt it would cause issues with any child.
Since the ex only visits with daughter maybe every 3-6 months, it would be nice if grandma was trustworthy and a good influence to give me a break lol...even the ex has never trusted leaving our child with grandma. Thankfully I have the most awesome daughter out of all this!

How professional does the doctor have to be, what kind of doctor should I ask my family doctor to hook us up with? Child has been having anxiety type issues lately and I am assuming it has to do with this but I would like to confirm with an experienced professional, hopefully free of charge(other than the letter).

Last edited by undersc0re; 10-18-2016 at 11:43 AM.
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  #15 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2016, 01:09 PM
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Originally Posted by trinton View Post
Just focus on yourself - you are the father and it is in the child's best interest to have access with your as per the maximum contact principal. That's all you need to say and the onus then becomes on them to prove otherwise - that's when you deny everything they say. They will need evidence to prove it.
I am not sure how this helps, I already have primary care and control, shared custody order and look after the child concerned 99.9% of the time, how does stating this help my situation? Sorry, just confused, it seems like I would sound controlling stating that. Does that mean I should have 100% parenting time as parent and she has to prove otherwise?
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Old 10-18-2016, 01:43 PM
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Something that may help you is to journal the child's behaviour around the visits to Grandma. Does she get anxious before she has to go? Is she unhappy and withdrawn upon her return? If you can show a pattern of behaviour that is linked to Grandma's influence, that might help.
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Old 10-18-2016, 09:47 PM
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So breach of order by grandma telling grand daughter all about the court issue really was no big deal in the fcc today.
The access order was modified, it was reduced to once a month instead of every 3 weeks.
A jfc or something like that was arranged to interview child, grandmother, and myself before March with a views of the child report to be given to us and the court. we can take that report into consideration when we go to next court hearing in mid march and decide with the judge whether to schedule an fcc or a hearing at court, he said depending on the report either party might give up more time and could be surprised by the report.
How do I tell my kid that after this fiasco created more of a relationship between them that she can no longer see grandma, this situation is creating a relationship that may have to be broken now, or be continued so as not to hurt the child....I am so confused with the system. So now we can just go to trial maybe, and then just lie some more....lol. Apparently a hearing is almost free if no lawyers or professionals are involved, the taxpayers foot the bill I guess, he thinks a one day trial with no pre trial conference necessary if it gets that far.

Last edited by undersc0re; 10-18-2016 at 10:00 PM.
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Old 10-19-2016, 08:39 AM
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Its not as bad as you think. You tell kid that her emotional health is the most important thing to you and she is going to speak with someone about what is happening. You want her to tell that person everything she is feeling and what people are saying to her. That means everything mom dad and grandma are saying about the divorce.

Once a month versus every three weeks isnt a big deal. Its just an extra week in between. And if kid is upset about what grandma is saying then this will help.

You know your ex mother in law is going to say shit to her so you need to remind kid that no one should be talking to her about the divorce or her parents or her living arrangements. You can also let her know that she can tell you anything and if she isnt comfortable she should let you know.
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Old 10-19-2016, 06:33 PM
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Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
Its not as bad as you think. You tell kid that her emotional health is the most important thing to you and she is going to speak with someone about what is happening. You want her to tell that person everything she is feeling and what people are saying to her. That means everything mom dad and grandma are saying about the divorce.

Once a month versus every three weeks isnt a big deal. Its just an extra week in between. And if kid is upset about what grandma is saying then this will help.

You know your ex mother in law is going to say shit to her so you need to remind kid that no one should be talking to her about the divorce or her parents or her living arrangements. You can also let her know that she can tell you anything and if she isnt comfortable she should let you know.
The judge suggested a few options, this one with the views of the child we consented on. Judge told me when I asked him if it stresses out children at all that it is not stressful at all. My concern is grandma prepping child for this moment which as I know her she would do, and child might stress about that.
Judge said that child views are not only what is going to win an access order and he told grandma that parental access and access by others is different whatever he meant by that. So child views I guess is most important, but I guess if I prove she is being emotionally harmed etc and it is affecting her now I have to prove that, just stating it as her parent in what I see is not proof. I will log changes in child that are obvious since visits became regular. It would be so much easier if grandma was a great influence or just somewhat normal. If she gets a lawyer at last minute will it help her much in this kind of a situation?

Thanks for the supportive post and I will talk to my child and support her in the best way I can by your suggestions!

I am going to also get a referral from a doctor to someone who can maybe pinpoint if the issues my child has are from stressors associated with what most likely are the visits and if I should brush them off or deal with them asap...whether thats admissable or not I won't know until I try, but it will definetly assure myself of my decision to bump up my urgency or relax a bit about the situation.
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Old 10-19-2016, 06:49 PM
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This is an awful situation for your child. Not only do they have to deal with everything changing, they also have to deal with people hating each other and putting her in the middle. I can safely say it is one of the worst things Ive experienced in my life. Youre helpless because youre a child and you dont understand and want to make people happy. As long as you provide her with tools and resources to help, youre doing well. She will need a neutral party to help her.
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