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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 07-01-2015, 12:29 AM
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Something else to consider is that you can indeed file for divorce on grounds of adultery, as I did. In my case it fast-tracked everything. I was married for 30 years and divorced 9 months later (although I did not have child custody issues to contend with). I'd discuss this with your lawyer. Once your ex knows you are intending to go this route it might speed settlement up. Your ex either has to swear to adultery or risk having the g/f have to make an appearance in court.

Just something to consider..... exclusive possession of the matrimonial home?
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Old 07-01-2015, 12:37 AM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
Something else to consider is that you can indeed file for divorce on grounds of adultery, as I did. In my case it fast-tracked everything. I was married for 30 years and divorced 9 months later (although I did not have child custody issues to contend with). I'd discuss this with your lawyer. Once your ex knows you are intending to go this route it might speed settlement up. Your ex either has to swear to adultery or risk having the g/f have to make an appearance in court.

Just something to consider..... exclusive possession of the matrimonial home?
WOA!! I've never heard of this in Ontario. Tell me more!

OP: I know things are not ideal right now, but if you podcast I highly recommend Divorce Sucks: https://itunes.apple.com/al/podcast/...956718979?mt=2 and the blog Divorce Girl Smiling Divorced Girl Smiling Divorce Blog | Divorce Support Blogs | Divorced Girl Smiling as well as Surviving Limbo: Surviving Limbo

Good luck! Keep us posted.
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Old 07-01-2015, 01:09 AM
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Originally Posted by ensorcelled View Post
WOA!! I've never heard of this in Ontario. Tell me more!

OP: I know things are not ideal right now, but if you podcast I highly recommend Divorce Sucks: https://itunes.apple.com/al/podcast/...956718979?mt=2 and the blog Divorce Girl Smiling Divorced Girl Smiling Divorce Blog | Divorce Support Blogs | Divorced Girl Smiling as well as Surviving Limbo: Surviving Limbo

Good luck! Keep us posted.
In Canada, the only grounds for divorce is a marriage breakdown, but there are three ways in which marriage breakdown can be established: separation of at least one year, adultery by one or both spouses, or cruelty by one or both spouses. This is in the federal Divorce Act. The vast majority of divorces (as in about 95%) are based on a year of separation, because this is generally simpler and cleaner than dragging all the nasty stuff through the court system. However, this could be useful as a strategic move.

If your ex thought you were going to go down to the courthouse and start an application for divorce, giving adultery as the cause of the marriage breakdown (and thereby exposing his affair and embarrassing him, because legal records are both public and forever), he might get his butt in gear to give you the information you need to move ahead with a divorce based on one year's separation, which wouldn't have to involve his chickie. (One year separation can also include time living separated within the same house - search "in-house separation" on this site for more info).
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Old 07-01-2015, 01:11 AM
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I'm trying to move things along on my end (for different reasons) so this is VERY interesting to me. Thanks.
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Old 07-01-2015, 01:23 AM
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Ugh - sorry. Last piece of advice!

I found it really helpful to focus on the kids. I know that's a tired saying, but when this all went down, focusing on the child(ren) made me do basic and simple things that helped me keep some sense of sanity. Things like eating, sleeping and following a routine were all being imposed on our child and since I was pretty much the only person doing this for him, by default I had to do it for myself. Does that make sense? It's almost like I needed him more than he needed me.
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Old 07-01-2015, 09:16 AM
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Adultery and mental cruelty (him blatantly bragging about EA and rubbing it in your face) sets you up nicely for exclusive possession of the matrimonial home. If you have irrevocable proof of the EA then bring the evidence to your lawyer and instruct him to file for an immediate motion for exclusive possession. You and your children shouldn't have to live this nightmare.
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Old 07-01-2015, 10:27 AM
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One party having an EA will not grant you exclusive possession of the house. Nor would such a move actually foster any sort of a future co-parenting arrangement between the two of you, which is the ultimate goal. Your children are young and you can plan on having a relationship of some sort with the ex for the next 50-60 years, it doesn't end when the children move out of your house(s).

In-house separations are a common occurrence, you need to create your own separate space where you can walk away and breathe. Move to the basement, put a lock on a room and call it your own - or alternatively, take over the master bedroom. Give yourself some space, stop looking for an apartment -- you aren't leaving that matrimonial home until you have a written agreement in place on custody and equalization.

OP, as others have suggested, you need to do your best to cut out the emotions. And all further communication between you and your ex is via email only, understand? You shouldn't be verbally fighting - step away. And don't argue in front of the kids, their well being is the priority now.

I'm going to post a link to “the List” -you need to familiarize yourself quickly with it. Many of the steps won't apply to your situation, but you need to be aware and concentrate now on parenting and financials – have I mentioned you don’t move out of the matrimonial home? Create your own List and start taking action.

From what you have posted, it sounds like you are becoming the primary parent in this separation period -- journal, journal, journal (see, now your ex’ EA is going to work in your favour). Continue to be there for your children and record all times and activities. Encourage the ex to spend as much time away from the kids and house as he’d like, to settle into his new relationship.

Financially separate yourself from him completely - if you pay the family cell phone plan, cut his line off. If you pay for them, shut down cable, internet, etc. and move everything to your own internet/phone. Stop paying the realty taxes – that is a matrimonial debt and will be settled on the sale of the home. I hope you have already opened your own bank account and shut down all joint accounts and lines of credit. Who is on title to the house?

Obviously you aren't comfortable with the lawyer you have chosen -- immediately get some referrals for new lawyers but I’d speak first to your current lawyer and tell him of your concerns – if his track record is solid, you need to consider keeping him and just changing the method of communication, move him to email as well (but be aware, they charge per email received and sent, so even those should be kept cut and dry). You are in this business relationship for a one year minimum, you do need to have someone you feel you can work with.

PM me your general location, and if you are in my region I can refer you to several I would recommend to choose from.

Lastly - counselling, get some! (and get a new BFF - your last one sucks). My friends really helped me make it through the first year, post divorce.


THE LIST (Print It) - Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum
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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 07-01-2015, 10:43 AM
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Psychological abuse, exclusive possession of matrimonial home - anything sound familiar to you?

https://www.canlii.org/en/on/onsc/do...&resultIndex=1

here is another case involving texting:

https://www.canlii.org/en/on/onsc/do...&resultIndex=5

Last edited by arabian; 07-01-2015 at 10:50 AM.
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Old 07-01-2015, 02:18 PM
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Hi. Thanks again for the words of advice. I have reached out to my EAP and I have a free counseling session next week. I also talked with some coworkers as they kind of sensed that something has been off with me. My manager has expressed concern but I haven't told him anything.

I also texted some of the mom's in my area whom I chat to when picking up my kids from daycare. They have been very kind and I text with one mom quite a lot.

I've been smiling and been really chatty lately at home, especially in front of the kids. My husband has been ignoring me but I continue to keep up my attitude.

Thank you again and take care.
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Old 07-01-2015, 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted by SSlang View Post
Hi. Thanks again for the words of advice. I have reached out to my EAP and I have a free counseling session next week. I also talked with some coworkers as they kind of sensed that something has been off with me. My manager has expressed concern but I haven't told him anything.

I also texted some of the mom's in my area whom I chat to when picking up my kids from daycare. They have been very kind and I text with one mom quite a lot.

I've been smiling and been really chatty lately at home, especially in front of the kids. My husband has been ignoring me but I continue to keep up my attitude.

Thank you again and take care.
I can only speak from my experience, but the local mom network and sunny attitude are critical. The former will be your lifeline when the other parent is wont to parent peace out unexpectedly and you need help / dinner / or just a change of scenery. Separated or not, they get it!
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