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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 01-01-2017, 08:30 PM
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Default HELP with drafting a letter to ex's lawyer

Hello to all,

For many of you, Happy New Year, for me, I am feeling only "New Year."

As many of you know (if following me in the past), my ex husband put I caused psychological abuse to my children. Believe me, I did confront him about this accusation. He said it was a term his lawyer threw in the court papers, "not his term he would have used." I argued, well, you did sign it after all. I asked him to tell me about this psychological abuse; he said, well you would play HEAD GAMES with the kids sometimes i.e. if you don't get this or that done you can't go out, or I would shut off their cellphones. Yes, this is true. The fact that my teens would get really upset with the thought of losing their phones and either scream at me and run out of the house with no shoes on with phone in hand is not my fault. To me, it seems nutty that the kids would go to such extremes to keep their phones. Maybe my kids need their own therapy if loosing phones causes them that much upset.

Anyhow, I reminded him of all the text messages, emails from him/his now wife, and neighbours testimonies I had with regards to various forms of abuse he caused me over the years. I reminded him that these never became addressed through our nasty separation/divorce despite my lawyer saying she would address these issues. There was also a number of occasions of sexual assault. Years of counselling I had to undergo. I asked him, ''do you really want to go there now?" He became angry!!

Back to the reason for my post. So, I tell ex I am not happy about the garbage he threw in his court documents (psychological abuse). He says, well, my lawyer said to put the wording in. That, in addition to asking for court costs from me, would get me to agree to his demands out of court.
He has me screwed with his demands for paying his court costs should a lawyer provide him with what he is seeking (remember the teens are 13 and 16 and will likely be granted to go with daddy given their ages) and oh, you should see the good time they have been having their (constant sleepouts, allowed to take uber rides everywhere with him paying, huge expensive xmas presents I could never ever afford). Why would they want to live here with rules and structure?!! I tell ex I want his hurtful comment out from the documents submitted to the courthouse. He says, well I can't, once in they are in. I then tell him to have his lawyer write me a letter with my ex signing the letter advising that the wording/comment was not justified, was incorrect, was his lawyers words. Ex advises me he is not paying for another letter for his lawyer to write, he has already spent out so much money trying to get me to do what he wants. CONTROL FREAK! He says, you write the letter to my lawyer and if I find the wording suitable, I will then sign it and have it returned to you.

So, my question is, do you think this is enough? I am so upset about his accusation he put in the court papers as a way to manipulate me. What I am asking from you is how might you word this letter to my ex's lawyer?

Thank you so much in advance for your continued support.
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Old 01-01-2017, 10:44 PM
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Don't waste your breath and lose any sleep over shit put in affidavits. Onus is on him to corroborate his allegations.

Sounds as thought the two of you, high-conflict individuals, have also retained your own high-conflict lawyers. Keeping the conflict alive is what they do best.

You have to learn to be less reactive to everything and quit contacting your ex.
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Old 01-01-2017, 11:37 PM
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Default HELP with drafting a letter to ex's lawyer

Hello Arabian,

It is true, ex knows what will set me off. But he has boxed me in a corner
as he knows I have zero dollars for any more lawyers for myself, let alone being at risk for having to pay his lawyers costs. As such he put very untrue and very hurtful things in his motion. I want his admittance to this being inaccurate and hence why I was asking for the forums help in composing a letter to his lawyer (to ex's liking), for him to say the psychological abuse to the children was not a truly accurate statement on his part.

I am now representing myself after all and my ex will not sign something if I were to type he is a flat out liar (even if he is)!
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Old 01-02-2017, 08:53 AM
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I have a feeling it doesn't matter what you write..your ex wont sign it.

all you have to do is deny it when this goes to trial, if it does.

You are wasting too much time and energy getting worked up over nothing. Unless he has rock solid proof no judge will believe him.
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Old 01-02-2017, 10:00 AM
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I would consider it a "gift" if my ex were to put untrue, unsubstantiated allegations in a motion. It's a sure-fired way to lose credibility with a judge.

Shrug it off.

Craft your response carefully in a very brief manner. This merely opens the door for you to look good... lay on the "in the best interests of the children" stuff. Say nice stuff about your ex. I guarantee this will totally fuck with your ex and his lawyer.

Judge will see it for what it is, particularly if the inflammatory statement is in the actual motion (not your ex's affidavit).

I strongly urge you NOT to send a letter to your ex's lawyer - waste of time and will accomplish nothing.

Last edited by arabian; 01-02-2017 at 10:03 AM.
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Old 01-02-2017, 05:00 PM
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General Akbar says: Its a trap.

The other party in your matter is trying to use your emotional state to get you to do really crazy stuff like this. They are simply going to take this letter you send and attach it to an affidavit at a later date. Don't fall for stuff like this. You are your own worst evidence generating machine.
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Old 01-02-2017, 05:23 PM
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I am so confused. So, without a lawyer, what am I writing?

I have many text messages and emails from him where he says, "I am willing to go broke fighting you." Text messages out of no where saying, "my girlfriend looks good in her red Gucci jeans". Other messages just after midnight on New Years saying, ''tick tock tick tock tick tock... court is nearing". Emails signed by his own neighbours where he walks up and down his street pounding his chest saying, "it is a mans world, its good to be a man." I should document nothing in my response? This man is a bully and control freak! Do I simply say yes, I agree I psychologically abused my children? He says he wants to settle out of court. So do I since he is asking me to pay his court costs that I can't afford. In his motion he says the kids can see me ''when they so wish." In ongoing text messages he asks if I will have them every other weekend. He is inconstant.

O.k, so back to square one. What am I writing as a response to his lawyer and agreeing to sign papers out of court that will make him happy, but yet I am standing firm I DO NOT ABUSE MY CHILDREN!

Thank you for your responses.
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Old 01-02-2017, 05:50 PM
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you are falling into what he wants. You are so focused on this letter that he hopes he will be able to slide stuff by you due to you being so upset about the letter.

People keep trying to tell you not to bother. If it goes to court you just deny it. If it doesn't go to court then it is just words written on a piece of paper. People who know you in your day to day life will know if its true or not.

He has got under your skin and you let him.

Set it up for joint and send an offer to settle to him.
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Old 01-02-2017, 06:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
you are falling into what he wants. You are so focused on this letter that he hopes he will be able to slide stuff by you due to you being so upset about the letter.

People keep trying to tell you not to bother. If it goes to court you just deny it. If it doesn't go to court then it is just words written on a piece of paper. People who know you in your day to day life will know if its true or not.

He has got under your skin and you let him.

Set it up for joint and send an offer to settle to him.
I agree.

The pair of you are going to look foolish hurling allegations late in the game. My ex tried the same thing and the judges ruling (lengthy) stated that it was very telling that my ex failed to report any of her allegations throughout our 8 years of our relationship....my judge also threw in that she had many opportunities to speak to authorities and failed to do so.

One blanket statement "There was absolutely no abuse of any shape or form to my children.... just normal consequences most parents are accustomed to".

Let him play the allegation bagpipe and look dumb at this point in the game.

While my ex did that crap I just kept repeating things like "That is our child's mother and I will always respect and promote her relationship with our child". Of course I let my exhibits speak for themselves regarding the allegations (hair follicles, clean CAS, clean police reports.. etc).

Judges are used to these tactics.

The reasonable, "zero conflict", amicable, resolution oriented parent WINS!

I also agree with SOTS...set it up for joint and send an offer to settle.

Last edited by LovingFather32; 01-02-2017 at 06:14 PM.
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Old 01-02-2017, 06:39 PM
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Your only response to his garbage is a blanket "i deny his allegations."

That's all that is required. Demanding he remove comments, regardless of how untrue or upsetting they may be, is a ridiculous waste of time. Ignore the garbage, respond only to anything relevant and do so in a non-emotional business like manner.
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