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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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Old 02-18-2014, 11:00 PM
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Default Help with Daycare

Hi there,

I am looking for feedback from this forum to help me along making some daycare decisions for my son. I am in a high conflict situation, and I am getting absolutely no communication coming from my ex other than the usual threat of litigation.

My son is 10 1/2 years old. He is outgrown daycare and is starting to act out and clearly voicing his displeasure at the daycare. Things need to change.

I have 50/50 access with joint custody (parallel parenting), however daycare selection is joint decision making.

My ex wants to move my son to a new daycare with me paying a larger portion of the cost (about 2/3 as a section 7 expense). Furthermore, she wants to keep him in a daycare for at a minimum the next 3 YEARS or until he is about 14 years old.

In my home, I have a 11.5 year old and a 9.5 year old who have been walking to and from school since September with no issues, and my wife works from home 3 days a week. My son has expressed great enthusiasm in being able to be independent and to happy to be walking to and from school. On the days where my wife goes into the office, the kids have a maximum of 20 minutes of unsupervised time. They have access to neighbours, cells phones, etc... my home is also less than 300 meters from the school and the kids do not require crossing any roads. They have also all followed the home alone course to help prepare them for this step.

My ex refuses to agree to anything, other than me paying for daycare that is clearly not required. I think it is important for my son to learn independence and he is mature for his age. We went to see a child psychologist, who agrees with this, however stated that if my ex didn't want to deal with having the child in my care for before / after school on her days, then she should be free to make accommodations at her cost. My EX will have nothing to do with this and will settle for nothing less than me paying for daycare because she is unwilling to let my son spend time with his family instead of a complete stranger and insists that I pay this as a section 7 expense, even though I am happy to provide this care at no cost.

Am I out to lunch? Do you think a court would side with her? This appears to not be about the child, but according to the psychologist, has to do with the mother's own insecurities and anxiety.

Help and thank you to this great forum, you've been an invaluable source of inspiration and a good sounding board.
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Old 02-18-2014, 11:14 PM
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There are lots of options that you could consider.

If your access schedule is such that you always have Mon/Tues and she always has Weds/Thurs (i.e. not week on week off), then she could enroll in daycare for only her days.

Or you can look at enrolling him in some activities instead of a daycare (might be more enriching than just going directly home).

Does the new daycare offer any organized (not just drop-in) training/teaching? How does daycare cost compare to local city-run (i.e. reasonably cheap) activities?

Don't worry about the 3 years ... just focus on the upcoming year.
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Old 02-18-2014, 11:26 PM
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I know I'm always missing some information. My access schedule isn't ideal, personally I think it needs to change but that is another battle. Currently, it is split with myself halving Mondays & Wednesdays and the mother having Tuesdays and Thursdays. I do not think it is the most age appropriate, but it makes daycare difficult given that the child goes back and forth daily. My issue is that she wants me to pay for daycare on her days, despite the fact that I can and happy to provide this care at no cost to either of us.

The daycare that she is proposing offers absolutely no benefit for the child. It is a home based daycare which lets him play video games, watch TV, etc... instead of doing homework or extra curricular activities. The mother isn't receptive to an organized program (this is what he is rebelling in to be honest). I think the after school program offered by the Y is an excellent alternative, however she won't consider it either.

The cost is a concern, as what she is proposing is a significant cost to me but the bigger issue is that she is transposing some personal insecurities and missing the big opportunity in letting the child grow up and build his self confidence. I would be receptive to an organized program, however this proposition is an issue.

One thing that was brought up was that she believed that I would be forced to pay these costs without problem through FRO, does anybody know this to be the case, even if I do not consent to this expense?

Thanks,
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Old 02-18-2014, 11:44 PM
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You schedule makes it easy. She can enroll him in whatever she likes ... on her days. Yes, you will likely have to pay a portion of it.

I believe your court order would need to have some pretty specific wording regarding daycare expenses for it to be enforcable via FRO.

I'm not surprised at your son's attitude towards the current daycare - I'm guessing it involves pretty 'artificial' activities - not really involving. I wouldn't take that as a reason to avoid getting him involved in something more real.

Last edited by dinkyface; 02-18-2014 at 11:48 PM.
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Old 02-19-2014, 09:39 AM
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FRO. Will only enforce Section 7 expenses that very clearly written out in Your agreement. Ie $361 per month for daycare, payable on 1 st of each month.
I think you should sit down and talk with your son and talk about other options for after school care and allow him to be part of the decision and on the days you have him enrol him in the activity that you and your son think would be the best. For the days he is with his Mom he will have to do what she wants thats how it works. He is old enough to express his dislike of her choice to her. Stay out of her decisions. Sure for a while you might have to pay a little extra, but I doubt if for long. Mom will see how happy he is in the Activity you have and seek to cha ge her mind when it suits.
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Old 02-19-2014, 09:57 PM
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Thanks for the advice, in my first communications with FRO, they advise me that child care is always a section 7 expense, so if an expense is submitted then it is divided. Even though it may not be required, as the support payer I don't have a say. Seems messed up with me. I should have clarified, my ex has very clear conditions on child care and a dispute resolution clause, but she is refusing to follow the order.

I agree about not getting into my ex's business. Seems it's a double standard, I just learned that I have CAS called on my by my EX because she isn't happy with letting the child walk home on my time.
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Old 02-19-2014, 10:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gilligan View Post
Thanks for the advice, in my first communications with FRO, they advise me that child care is always a section 7 expense, so if an expense is submitted then it is divided. Even though it may not be required, as the support payer I don't have a say. Seems messed up with me. I should have clarified, my ex has very clear conditions on child care and a dispute resolution clause, but she is refusing to follow the order.

I agree about not getting into my ex's business. Seems it's a double standard, I just learned that I have CAS called on my by my EX because she isn't happy with letting the child walk home on my time.
Well is she tries to circumvent the dispute resolution a judge will not be too,happy and you would ask for costs. So let her threaten all she wants. Just make sure you are following what you agreed upon in you Agreement. You can do no more than that.

Not had any dealings, as yet, with CAS. But IMO if you have nothing to hide, donot worry about it. Just because she is not happy does not necessarily make it wrong. I believe a 10 1/2 year old can walk home on their own and from what you have said regarding your situation he is well taken care of. So dont get intimidated by her tatics and acquiesce to her demands. I think if you just let her do her ranting and ignore it, then she will get tired of it. The more you respond and try to adjust to her demands; the more demands she will make. If. It for this the. It will be something else.

We have, from experience learned to ignore the threats and BS of calling lawyers and seeking legal counsel. If you believe you are acting in the best interest of your child when he is under your care then she can scream all she wants ; Not your concern.

I cannot understand these high maintenace women. It seems they want attention and keep stamping their foot until you give it to them. And I am a women so I am not a male bashing women! I am a mother and a grandmother who is just trying to do the best for her family. Thats what you should do.

Last edited by Beachnana; 02-19-2014 at 10:27 PM.
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Old 02-19-2014, 10:38 PM
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Beachnana,

Thank you for the wise words, it is indeed helpful. I am doing what I believe is best for my son, and can honestly say that he is extremely proud and happy about the decision about walking to and from school.

My EX has control issues, and when she doesn't get her way, she gets out of control by getting lawyers, CAS, police, etc... it's never served her in the past and certainly not helping our son, but it is more about revenge and vindictiveness. So much energy in being angry, I would just wish she would move on.

It is difficult not to react or worry that you are making the wrong choices or decisions when faced with the prospect of litigation or at the receiving end of an investigation. I do agree however, not engaging is probably the best strategy.
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Old 02-20-2014, 08:49 PM
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The law provides the child can walk home by virtue that there are no laws against this.

The act provides that a child has the right to spend aa much time with each parent as possible. So daycare over your house does not make sense.

Put mom on notice that you are available and willing to have the child go to your house after school. If she is not in favour she must advise you in writing within 48 hours and you will begin dispute resolution. Also advise her that failure to respond will be deemed as she is agreeable to child walking to your home. File court paperwork at same time.

CAS is to investigate safety concerns or abuse of children. Ask them what the allegations are so you can move on.

I suspect this is more about the 40 percent rule than about the kid walking home. Any more time at your house is threatening her CS no doubt.
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Old 02-20-2014, 09:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serene View Post
The act provides that a child has the right to spend aa much time with each parent as possible. So daycare over your house does not make sense.

I suspect this is more about the 40 percent rule than about the kid walking home. Any more time at your house is threatening her CS no doubt.
A few hours afterschool 2/x a week wouldn't affect CS. Check what the OP wrote:
Quote:
Currently, it (access) is split with myself halving Mondays & Wednesdays and the mother having Tuesdays and Thursdays. .... My issue is that she wants me to pay for daycare on her days, despite the fact that I can and happy to provide this care at no cost to either of us.
They have 50-50 access (Fridays alternate?)
OP wants the kid to come to his house (300m from school) on all days.
EX wants kid to go to daycare on all days, and for OP to pay a portion.

But
- the EX can't dictate where the kid goes on the OP's days.
- the OP would likely be required to pay a portion of the EX's daycare (for her days)

Last edited by dinkyface; 02-20-2014 at 09:23 PM.
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