Frustrated and Angry

[Mess]

It's not possible in Canada to "sign off rights" and not pay support. Perhaps that was some private deal worked out between two people you heard of, but no court would allow that.

He has to pay support whether he sees the child or has any contact or not.

He has a right to spend time with the child, unless it can be clearly shown that he is physical danger to the child. Not that he's a jerk, not that he's an alcoholic, not that he has a messed up life, but that he is an actual danger to the child. He would even in pretty extreme circumstance have the right to at least supervised access. Unless he is making criminal threats that you can prove, the type of thing that would result in a restraining order, it will be pretty near impossible to totally remove his access.

[dadtotheend]

Your anger and frustration hardly puts you in a position to be objective about this. His being uneducated and foul, etc does NOT override your baby's right to see his father.

AGAIN, it's not about your ex's "right to waltz back into the baby's life" it's about the baby's right to have a healthy relationship with his father.

BTW, did he suddenly become all these things the second you got pregnant? Where was that character assessment when you got together with him?

[billiechic]

wait, if this father has a history of drinking and driving, WITH his children in the car, she does have a reason to be concerned. Maybe not a leg to stand on with the rest of it, but that does endanger a child.

If you offer him access, make sure that he signs something stating he would not comsume alcohol, or use and mind-altering substances during access, or within 12-24 hours prior to access. Make sure that it states that if he does do these things, that you will have reason to enforce supervised visitation (or whatever consequence you think is fair)

I do think you need to step back a little and look at this objectively. Maybe you are using this forum to spout your anger, and do not show this to your kids, but you are coming across and angry and almost vindictive. You can't punish him through his child. In that you are punishing the child as well.

[NoahsDaddy]

I agree with the last two posters; if the father is genuinely interested in having a meaningful relationship with the child, why would you want to take that away from the child? As I said in a previous post, if the father is not interested, that will ultimately be his choice to make and/or live with while he meets his financial obligations to that child.

Again, nobody on this board has ever met this man...but, you will need to have some way of proving all of these accusations in court. I wouldn't expect to just walk in there, say he's an alcoholic and whatever else and then see the judge say "oh, okay, he can't see the child." It doesn't work that way.

Allowing anger and hard feelings to influence your entire thought process is never going to lead to any type of constructive resolution to anything...neither is threatening return visits to court if he "slips up." It's hard enough to be parent sometimes as it is, let alone trying to do so and build a relationship with your child while you have to worry about somebody else scrutinizing your every move.

I still believe that the judge may (if he wants it) grant you a brief period of supervised access...simply because the child is only 5 months old. Unless he poses a real (not a bunch of heresay) danger, that supervised access will not carry on forever and he will eventually progress to having the child overnight etc. If the two of you cannot demonstrate an ability to be civil and make decisions about the child together, he will likely not get any type of custody as it pertains to decision making. In my opinion, this is where the system is flawed: one person can try to improve communication while the other one sits there and chooses to be difficult. Then, the difficult person can go into court and say "we can't get along."

Along with what dadtotheend said above, it takes two people to engage in the act that results in a child; if you can make that choice, a responsible person commits themselves to ensuring that the child gets everything they need...including a meaningful relationship with both parents. If he had a history of the behaviour that you mention, I would assume it (and the associated red flags) was there before the child? Just because, in the end, you don't "like" the other parent, it doesn't mean that the child won't...and it's not up to you to make that decision for the child.

Try offering him some time to see the child; even if it involves having a grandparent or someone else there that you are comfortable with present. Keep track of emails, phone calls etc and I would suggest email more...at least then, you have record of it. Anyone can make claims about phone conversations. If he accepts and takes the opportunity while being civil about it, it's a step in the right direction. In the same token, you cannot do this and make it completely unbearable for him to be there either. If he chooses not to see his child, it will reflect negatively on him and could be what you need in terms of attempting to remove him from your childs' life.

[dadtotheend]

Very wise words.

[lacey]

No, sir, he did not suddenly become any of those things... I believe I have already stated that I take full responsibility for my irresponsible actions with him... although he didn't and hasn't.
He did, however, put up a different front at the beginning... and the rest I don't have to justify to anyone.

[lacey]

In the beginning, I had wanted some questions answered by people who had been through divorce, etc. It has turned to my venting here in this forum, and as I realize, this is not a place to vent, to talk out any concerns etc.

I do value what advice I've been given, and I have stepped back and tried to look at the "other side" of it all. Most of what I've read I will agree with.

It is still fresh, the dad and I have not been able to "finish" it. That is, he left me, wouldn't return my calls, started spreading rumours about our relationship and personal business in town, and refused to discuss it with me.
So, I guess I have the need to find out where that all came from. I believe I know why he did those things... but it is human nature to NEED TO KNOW, in order to close that door.
I am still very much angry with him. He won't talk to me.
I do not yell at him, HE is the one who screams over me. I speak to him, while he is shouting over me, in calm tones. He is the one who punches his walls, throws his furniture, etc.
I tried to remain civil with him but in the end, how can you discuss things with someone who is shouting over you? WHo hangs up on you?
I just need to know, that's all.
I suppose I never will and does anyone know how that feels?
WHY did he walk out on his baby?
He can have supervised visits, whatever, while the baby is at this age. I think that's best. I hope the judge feels that way. My lawyer and I discussed this yesterday, and that is how she thinks it'll play out.

I will have to deal with how the rest unfolds, when it happens.
I feel I am a responsible person and mother. I have done the best that I could have for my two girls, and will continue to do so for my son.

I do not show my feelings to my girls about their dad, and will not towards my son, as he matures, about his. For the time being, I am allowing myself to be disgusted and hurt an d angry with his father, as that is a human condition. And again, I will not project those emotions onto him later on... hopefully I won't have them later on.

He will get the opportunity to see his son, as I gave him chances to see him after the birth. He bailed just like he did with his first child. And perhaps, like he did with his first child, he will decide to stay away until his son is older. And if he so chooses, then so be it. You all know I won't interfere with THAT decision.
To let you know, if the courts say he'll be awarded visits, then that's it. I will be as civil as I can with him.
But, the drinking and driving I WILL watch for, as I don't want my son harmed in an accident because his father has the right to visits and chooses to drink and drive during those visits.
But, the verbal abuse I WILL NOT tolerate if he is around my girls, or if he decides to do so in front of the baby, as the baby gets older. That is no way for him to grow up.
And finally, the punching bag set up in my basement has started to see more frequent visits from me.... and I feel better because of it.

[Mess]

Hi Lacey,
It is because we have been through it and we have learned first hand what happens if you hold on to your anger in this.

It drags out the process, it makes it more expensive, it makes it more complicated and it ends up hurting the kids.

For example my ex is on heavy anti-anxiety medication, can't sleep, has gone on disability at work, all because of the stress and anger going on. I am on anti-depressants. We are both in therapy. We could have settled 2 1/2 years ago, but she refused because every time we sat down to talk, she got caught up in this obsessive cycle of criticisms of me.

Now, some of those criticisms are valid. Some are exagerated. Some are things she's made up and spread around to our friends and family. But none of it is helping us reach a settlement, it's not helping our mounting legal bills, it's not helping our health.

I don't doubt that your ex is a jerk. If he wasn't, then you wouldn't be needing a lawyer, you would just need a marriage councillor.

The advice we are giving is because the courts don't have a grudge against either of you, and they won't make a decision about your kids and support due to him being a jerk to you. They don't care about who or what is to blame for the marriage failing. They don't look at the past and try to work out those problems, they look to the future and work out where you go from here.

Divorce should be a clean slate to move on. Most of the time it isn't, really, especially when you have kids. But as much as possible try to make it that.

None of us is saying you are wrong about him, but we are trying to say, the decisions that happen right now can't be based on that.

[lacey]

Hi,
I know all to well how messy things can be, via friends and family and their experiences. With the father of my girls, the separation went fairly smoothly, other than my not receiving "half".... But concerning his girls and access, all went well. I didn't disagree or fight.
In this case, we'll see how it goes. If he behaves how he has in the past, he'll bail on us and not try and return for a few years.... what happens then, we'll see. He has a new life, he's "moved on", as he has said to others.

Court yesterday was fruitless... he didn't even show. It seemed as though his lawyer WAS expecting him... she seemed ticked off. After 2.5 hours of waiting, my lawyer and myself went before the judge. His lawyer didn't even go in! He is denying paternity and wants a test, and because of the holidays and my baby's age, I have to wait until sometime in January. Court date is set for end of Feb. No support for a few more months... oh well.

All of that worrying and no sleep for nothing!
The next thing to look forward to is seeing his face again in January for the testing. Yeah.

[billiechic]

I'm glad you stepped back and looked at things. Good for you. I hope you punching bag is a tough one!