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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2017, 09:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
What is the worst she could do if she takes it badly?


I guess the biggest thing would be the guilting. Trying to change his mind. S11 is a very good little man. He is sensitive to people's feelings and he doesn't want to upset his mom. Which is why he doesn't talk to her about things.

If the kids are with us for Xmas break or summer vacay she is constantly texting him saying how much she misses them, how she cries when they are not with her, asks if they are ready to come home to her, if they still love her and miss her. The kids feel responsible for her emotions. I will say though, I do think S11 is getting tired of it. Over Xmas break he ignored her messages that were like that and only made small talk.


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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2017, 12:11 PM
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S11 asked if he could stay the night and us drive him back in the morning. So DH called his ex and she had a melt down, claiming she was having a panic attack and NEEDED to talk to her son because she NEEDED to hear his voice and was just going insane. All because S11 wanted to stay the night rather than drive home super late... which he got back at after 11:30pm.
Wow. This is an unhealthy attachment.

The lot of you need to go to a family counselor where mom (and another professional) can hear the child's wishes and all of you can talk it out. In this case mom needs to talk to somebody on an individual basis about her emotional fragility as well. It's not healthy for her or the children.

Children all develop at different times and in different ways. From what you've written, I strongly believe that a judge would take the child' wishes in to consideration. If you go to my 50/50 thread I posted a few great studies that include topics of attachment (the importance of it), etc.

Sounds to me like it would be in his best interests to spend some more time with you guys and that you have solid reasoning to support that.
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Old 01-14-2017, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingFather32 View Post
Wow. This is an unhealthy attachment.

The lot of you need to go to a family counselor where mom (and another professional) can hear the child's wishes and all of you can talk it out. In this case mom needs to talk to somebody on an individual basis about her emotional fragility as well. It's not healthy for her or the children.

Children all develop at different times and in different ways. From what you've written, I strongly believe that a judge would take the child' wishes in to consideration. If you go to my 50/50 thread I posted a few great studies that include topics of attachment (the importance of it), etc.

Sounds to me like it would be in his best interests to spend some more time with you guys and that you have solid reasoning to support that.

Dad has offered counselling a few years ago but mom said no. She spent time at her church which is fine for some people but doesn't always work for everyone. We truly believe he would benefit from being with us and be able to live a more stable life with us. But we understand not everyone would see it that way.



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Old 01-14-2017, 01:16 PM
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We truly believe he would benefit from being with us and be able to live a more stable life with us. But we understand not everyone would see it that way.
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This is "exactly" what I'm talking about in my other thread. In this situation mom may have her own subjective feelings of what's best for her child and will fight tooth and nail to support her own beliefs.

In reality, the child would benefit from being with her dad and you more. Unfortunately mom isn't objective enough to realize this and consequently the children pay the price in the end.

The child is becoming very vocal at this point. I believe he innately and instinctively knows his life would be better with more time with dad and you.

I guarantee that when he's laying in bed at mom's at night that he's missing you guys. Sounds like this child is very sweet and has a huge heart.
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Old 01-14-2017, 03:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
I guess the biggest thing would be the guilting. Trying to change his mind. S11 is a very good little man. He is sensitive to people's feelings and he doesn't want to upset his mom. Which is why he doesn't talk to her about things.

If the kids are with us for Xmas break or summer vacay she is constantly texting him saying how much she misses them, how she cries when they are not with her, asks if they are ready to come home to her, if they still love her and miss her. The kids feel responsible for her emotions. I will say though, I do think S11 is getting tired of it. Over Xmas break he ignored her messages that were like that and only made small talk.


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Yep I totally understand these dynamics.

It really, really sucks when a parent puts their own emotional baggage ahead of what their kid needs. Especially when its over nothing. Its perfectly normal that a male child identifies with the same sex parent and wants to spend more time with them. Its no threat to her in any way.

I think you're doing this the right way. Talk to him and to her up-front and honest and try to make it less threatening to her and if it doesn't work, your son will see how you tried to handle it. Eventually, she's going to either get on-board on take the brunt of his wrath. And he's about to be a teenager.

Kids are highly intelligent and see through the emotional blackmail and get fed up with it. Her behavior is short-term gratifying and long-term foolish.
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Old 01-14-2017, 03:42 PM
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When my parents split, my mother started pulling this stunt when we went with my father that was so wrong. We would come home and find her on the bathroom floor hysterical and she would say she was scared we weren't coming home and she didn't know what to do because it made her so sick. I kid you not. It destroyed us and we stopped seeing my father. Her issues became our issues. I wish we had known how to deal with this and that it was wrong. A child has no role in these emotional games that some parents play. This boy wants to be with his father. He should be able to voice his feelings and have weight put to them. He isn't saying he wants to shut his mother out. He wants to spend more time with dad. There should be no emotional damage as a result. Involve the help of a therapist and go from there. That way he has the tools he needs should mom pull anything AND mom has a therapist to work her through her issues. These people are trained to deal with this. Its not a bad thing to involve them for support.
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Old 01-14-2017, 10:24 PM
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It seems every weekend his son bring this up in one form or another. Dad does want to approach this with Mom but knows he doesn’t have a huge leg to stand on because there hasn’t been a major change in circumstances. I know many on here are currently fighting for more parenting time, but has anyone been through this scenario where time has passed and the child still has that need to move with the other parent? Dad doesn’t know how Mom will react until he talks to her, but he wants to be prepared.
He's about to change schools anyways. That seems like a major change in a child's life to me, and as you pointed out, an excellent break point for him to also change households. Also, he's of an age where his wishes will be taken more seriously, especially when he has valid reasons for them. He obviously feels that being with his dad more is worth the hassle of making new friends, which is unusual for a child his age.

Suggest a switch to 50-50 over the summer as a gradual transition, moving to EoW for the mom in September. Offer her PA days, long weekends, March Break, scheduled Facetime, etc, to make up for the lost time.

And once she refuses, get mediation and court started so it can be resolved by September.

Document the examples of unhealthy attachment, and use them as proof that she does not have the best interests of the child in mind, only her OWN interests.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
If the kids are with us for Xmas break or summer vacay she is constantly texting him saying how much she misses them, how she cries when they are not with her, asks if they are ready to come home to her, if they still love her and miss her. The kids feel responsible for her emotions.
Do you think this is her misguided way of trying to express that she loves them? Or is she really that mentally fragile and doesn't know to filter it from them? Knowing which would influence the way you approach things, though I already get the impression you believe it's the second.
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Old 01-14-2017, 10:47 PM
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Is Mom in a relationship?

If not then Maybe less emphasis On" being with us" and more on being with Dad!
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Old 01-14-2017, 10:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Beachnana View Post
Is Mom in a relationship?

If not then Maybe less emphasis On" being with us" and more on being with Dad!


Yes mom is in another relationship, however I don't believe that makes a difference. We are "us" and have been for 6 years. I have an excellent relationship with my step kids and he does want to be with "us".

That being said, when this conversation happens with mom it will not be about him wanting to be with "us" it will be about his wishes to change households and why.


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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2017, 10:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
He's about to change schools anyways. That seems like a major change in a child's life to me, and as you pointed out, an excellent break point for him to also change households. Also, he's of an age where his wishes will be taken more seriously, especially when he has valid reasons for them. He obviously feels that being with his dad more is worth the hassle of making new friends, which is unusual for a child his age.

Suggest a switch to 50-50 over the summer as a gradual transition, moving to EoW for the mom in September. Offer her PA days, long weekends, March Break, scheduled Facetime, etc, to make up for the lost time.

And once she refuses, get mediation and court started so it can be resolved by September.

Document the examples of unhealthy attachment, and use them as proof that she does not have the best interests of the child in mind, only her OWN interests.



Do you think this is her misguided way of trying to express that she loves them? Or is she really that mentally fragile and doesn't know to filter it from them? Knowing which would influence the way you approach things, though I already get the impression you believe it's the second.


Currently it is week on week off in the summer. Then we have the kids EOW at least the rest of the year, alternate March Break and Christmas holidays. I agree that he should offer additional time during the school year, the only problem I see is that his daughter would be with her mom still and we don't want to lose out on our time with her either. Their agreement is pretty fair when it comes to holidays and summer vacay.

Forgot to add, not sure totally why Mom seems to have an unhealthy attachment at times... maybe she does realize he is getting to the point where he wants to make a change and thus she is trying to state her love? But it certainly annoys him at times. He's not in his teens yet but he's getting there and most teenage boys don't do the mushy stuff.

Thank you for your input!


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Last edited by Berner_Faith; 01-14-2017 at 10:58 PM.
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