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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 04-28-2014, 10:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
Why are you not asking for 50-50 joint custody? Why do you only want every other weekend?
Agreed. You should be going onto this requesting the judge to do what is in the best interest of the children which is shared custody.

It sounds like you are getting into the trap by lawyers and judges that are old and custom to the past of sole custody to mom and every other weekend screw job to dad.

You should be building a case for shared custody. There is no reason both kids cannot sleep at your house over night 2 days a week and Fri, Sat, Sun on weekends. Many of us here have done it, most with younger kids (1 years old or so). If they can sleep at her house they can sleep at your house.

Also, setting the school district is very important. This must be identified in your agreement what school they attend. That way a year from now when she remarries and decides to move 3 hours away with her new rich hubby she can't take the kids away from you.
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Old 04-28-2014, 11:36 AM
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I am going through the same thing right now. Our daughter was about to start preschool and we'd always discussed ex working for dual income. Came home from work one day to no kidling and no ex. Only difference is "I" filed an application. Also, she went and filed a police report that I was abusive, alcoholic, drugs .. you name it. Was never charged or anything. Police didn't even come to my house. That was strictly to make her abduction legal. The police were expecting my call and told me to get a lawyer. Only supervised access she's offered is impossible (elderly grandparents who live in another city and don't drive distances). Now lawyers saying he asked me to join "waiting list" for supervised access program. Haven't seen kidling (3 yrs old) in 3 months. Its a nightmare. I have a clean record check as well as a clean drug test to present. Kidling saw me every day, was left alone with me daily and shares an incredibly close bond with me. Im going for an emergency motion (self-repping) this week and am asking that our child be returned to the matrimonial home and 50/50 week-about access, spending every Wednesday night at other parents house. I sent an offer to settle today outlining my concerns and offering to abandon Emergency motion with assurances that I get immediate interim 50/50 access, she doesn't flee and that we enter mediation come the case conference later in the month. I don't expect the other party to budge but Ill never stop fighting for 50/50 access. The letter shows the judge that Im willing to negotiate, etc
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Old 04-28-2014, 11:40 AM
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If you are seeking to keep you both living in the same district (aka 60km radius) going for shared custody would be a good idea. Keep in mind if you and the ex cannot cooperate rather than joint custody, you should seek parallel parenting where each parent has control over certain decisions. For example, one person deals with the school, another may deal with the doctor, the sports teams, religious issues, etc.

You should seek a minimum of 3 overnights every week (this is 42%) and ask for offset child support.

The children are not too young and they won't stay young for long. In our case shared custody started at 14 months of age even with breastfeeding considerations.

Your post is very straightforward, well organized and to the point. I think you have the right mentality (after first impression).
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Old 04-28-2014, 07:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingFather32 View Post
I am going through the same thing right now. Our daughter was about to start preschool and we'd always discussed ex working for dual income. Came home from work one day to no kidling and no ex. Only difference is "I" filed an application. Also, she went and filed a police report that I was abusive, alcoholic, drugs .. you name it. Was never charged or anything. Police didn't even come to my house. That was strictly to make her abduction legal. The police were expecting my call and told me to get a lawyer. Only supervised access she's offered is impossible (elderly grandparents who live in another city and don't drive distances). Now lawyers saying he asked me to join "waiting list" for supervised access program. Haven't seen kidling (3 yrs old) in 3 months. Its a nightmare. I have a clean record check as well as a clean drug test to present. Kidling saw me every day, was left alone with me daily and shares an incredibly close bond with me. Im going for an emergency motion (self-repping) this week and am asking that our child be returned to the matrimonial home and 50/50 week-about access, spending every Wednesday night at other parents house. I sent an offer to settle today outlining my concerns and offering to abandon Emergency motion with assurances that I get immediate interim 50/50 access, she doesn't flee and that we enter mediation come the case conference later in the month. I don't expect the other party to budge but Ill never stop fighting for 50/50 access. The letter shows the judge that Im willing to negotiate, etc
I've actually followed your thread quite closely, and I think we have a lot of common ground between us. It's sad that these situations arise and have to be dealt with in this way. This crazy notion of 'supervised access' is ridiculous and judges have heard it all before. I would not worry over accusations and her push for unreasonable custody arrangements. How soon is your case conference?


Quote:
Originally Posted by FightingForFamily View Post
If you are seeking to keep you both living in the same district (aka 60km radius) going for shared custody would be a good idea. Keep in mind if you and the ex cannot cooperate rather than joint custody, you should seek parallel parenting where each parent has control over certain decisions. For example, one person deals with the school, another may deal with the doctor, the sports teams, religious issues, etc.

You should seek a minimum of 3 overnights every week (this is 42%) and ask for offset child support.

The children are not too young and they won't stay young for long. In our case shared custody started at 14 months of age even with breastfeeding considerations.

Your post is very straightforward, well organized and to the point. I think you have the right mentality (after first impression).
Thanks for your suggestions. Although I'm sure I could push for a shared custody arrangement, due to certain factors it would not be ideal at this time.

My intention is to obtain the terms I stated in the beginning of the thread, and then (per a yearly stipulation of review) update the custody arrangement in a year to coincide more with the schedule you mentioned...since my oldest will be in pre-school, and overnights will be much easier to arrange during the week.
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Old 04-29-2014, 11:37 AM
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@LovingFather32: I've been following your thread closely. It's terrible that we have to go through these things, but with a little perseverance we'll prevail.

I appreciate everyone's suggestions, but for now joint custody is the most appropriate route due to the specific circumstances of the living situation and age of my youngest child. I intend to revise this at the yearly review to coincide more with a shared custody arrangement.

So my case conference is supposed to be adjourned as the other parties lawyer is unable to attend, but I still have to drive in and make a show in case it isn't actually postponed...since they waited until the last minute to make the request. Bah. Such is life.
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Old 04-29-2014, 11:41 AM
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Originally Posted by ninehundredt View Post
I intend to revise this at the yearly review to coincide more with a shared custody arrangement.
Note that this is very difficult to do and next to impossible to change custody overtime without a valid change in circumstance. That is why it is so important now to build your case and fight for shared custody now.

Why re-fight for more time and custody down the road which will take years and tons of court time and lawyers fees when you can do it now from the beginning.
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Old 04-29-2014, 11:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Canadaguy View Post
Note that this is very difficult to do and next to impossible to change custody overtime without a valid change in circumstance. That is why it is so important now to build your case and fight for shared custody now.

Why re-fight for more time and custody down the road which will take years and tons of court time and lawyers fees when you can do it now from the beginning.
Perhaps I'm being naive. Why is it so difficult to change an order down the road? What is the point of adding a provision for yearly reviews of the agreement if the court system won't entertain changes to terms? I think a change in the children's age is rationale enough to backup a change to shared custody.
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Old 04-29-2014, 11:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ninehundredt View Post
Perhaps I'm being naive. Why is it so difficult to change an order down the road? What is the point of adding a provision for yearly reviews of the agreement if the court system won't entertain changes to terms? I think a change in the children's age is rationale enough to backup a change to shared custody.
Because of the cost and time it takes to change an order. Plus you have to justify that your reason for change (aka kid is older) is better then her reason not to change (aka kid has bond with mom, grew up with schedule, is a custom to it, etc).

Remember it takes about a year to change a court order. So every year you will be in court changing something for last year.

It is not easy nor is it cheap.
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Old 04-29-2014, 11:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ninehundredt View Post
Perhaps I'm being naive. Why is it so difficult to change an order down the road? What is the point of adding a provision for yearly reviews of the agreement if the court system won't entertain changes to terms? I think a change in the children's age is rationale enough to backup a change to shared custody.
Yearly reviews are normal for changes to CS amounts based on changes in income.

Reviews for any other change are much harder. Judges don't like to change status quo. Exes don't like to give up time with the children or CS money based on a switch from full table to offset. It would be a big fight every year, and the only people who would benefit are the lawyers you would have to pay. That's why lawyers encourage these sorts of clauses. And believe me, a mother whose starting point is sole custody with only supervised access is going to put up a huge fight every time you try to change anything.

If you still want to start slow and build to greater access, put stuff in the main separation agreement about how the access begins with alternating weekends and a few hours each evening twice a week and will expand to two overnights a week after one year. Set it up that way from the start instead of trying to change it later. Have only the one fight, where all you are fighting against is your ex's unreasonableness, and not a status quo to overcome on top of that.

But the only reason I can see for doing that is to humour your ex to try to cajole her into signing it, or if you admit that you are a lesser parent and are afraid to take the children for longer until you get used to it.

What if your ex had died instead of you guys separating? You'd have to look after the children full time. You can do it half time and it's better for them to see that both their parents are heavily invested in them, not just one of them.
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Old 04-29-2014, 12:01 PM
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That makes sense. In my answer I specified a change in schedule for more visitation (along the lines of 50/50) when child A hits age X, and child B hits age X, but the custody would still be considered 'joint'.

Ultimately if this is accepted I would get my increased visitation at those specific milestone dates, but the difference would be me still paying full guideline child support, rather than having the opportunity to split it up based on an the altered custody arrangement.

If I choose to modify my terms at this point, what is the process to do so?
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