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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 02-15-2006, 09:07 PM
Tim Tim is offline
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hubby - 2 months is quite a short time. I commend you on that.
Most people take ALOT longer, Im talking up to a year or even more.

You are strong and I know TEC can be too if the advise on this forum is taken
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Old 02-16-2006, 08:45 AM
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During seperation/divorce, inactivity is the cause of one's internal suffering.

Hence the reason I pray, hit the gym and help others in a similar predicament by encouraging them on ... I keep myself active as much as possible.

Ya know, it really boils down to our choice on whether we are in heaven or hell - we are afterall co-creators. I figured 2 months in hell was enough for me ... thanked God for the eye awakening experience and said "I was ready to come home".

Hubby
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Old 02-16-2006, 08:59 AM
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Hubby, after reading your post yesterday to focus on being "happy" I made a decision to be happy. Its still hard but after an hour or so of trying at work I realized that I actually was happy and it felt like something melted away from me being. I went home in this state of mind determined not to let ANYTHING change my mood.
Well ! My wife was dumbfounded as to what was making me so happy. She kept asking as to what was its source to which I replied that I couldn't quite put my finger on it and left it at that. All night she kept looking at me and was thinking about it, I could just tell. It felt great. Today I started off the same way and am bound and determined to keep it that way. Its almost as if something touched me and said don't worry, be happy. I haven't felt like this for a long time, even before all this started.
I know my wife is wondering what it is that has changed me overnight and it makes me feel good that she can't figure it out. She says she is going out Saturday night and I know with who but I have plans myself. I am going to tell her to take my truck out and leave me her car with the car seats. I am going to take the girls to Chucky Cheeses, a place they love to go to.
Thanks for the words of inspiration! I feel energized and I like it!
TEC
  #24 (permalink)  
Old 02-16-2006, 02:16 PM
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Her behavior is a result of the balance of control shifting into your favor. Now heres the secret, you HAVE to keep it up, even when you feel things are getting better.

Remember, fake it till you make it! Even if you dont feel happy, act like it and eventually your state will change. It drives spouses NUTS when they see their other half having a GREAT time having fun!

Keep us posted ... for now, you've implemented a POWERFUL behavioral technique.


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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 02-17-2006, 03:21 PM
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Glad to hear you are thinking of yourself and the kids TEC and getting out to do things with them.

hubby, I'm not about to fake any emotion or response - there's been too much of that (and not by me) in our situation already, a good part of what led things to where they are. And I'm not going to stoop to her level of ignoring me, denying or not communicating feelings - I figure for whatever chance we have of working things out together I should behave as I would continue to do together and more openly than before. I won't beg but I do still tell her now and then that I love her and after taking my daughter to her grandparents for the weekend told her that I missed her and was thinking of her. And if I need to cry I will - I know my spouse hasn't done this out of spite and I'm pretty sure she isn't really herself at the moment so why shouldn't she see the pain her decisions and actions are causing, I'm not faking this. I know she's been looking for ways to avoid her own feelings of guilt and has asked me many times to tell her that I'll be fine if she leaves (to which I mostly just say I'm sorry I can't tell you that, it isn't how I feel.) She has of course accused me of trying to guilt her into staying. I wouldn't try to tell her this but as far as I am concerned any guilt she feels is of her own making. She knows it's wrong and she knows that she is hurting many people. For that matter if she didn't feel any guilt well I don't want someone without feelings and I wouldn't think there was any chance of rebuilding things either besides she probably would have just vanished anyway.

But I would agree you need to do things for yourself and with the kids in the meantime whatever may happen down the road and if you enjoy them so much the better. I can't say I've fully enjoyed things I've been doing alone or with my daughter - I miss her being there or at least knowing that we'll be together later to talk about them but it does give me some respite and makes my daughter happy. I wouldn't say it drives her nuts to see me doing things but somehow in her head she had reached conclusions about what I would and wouldn't do (not true of course) and I think used it to justify things to herself. It certainly has confused her and sometimes almost seems to annoy her that I really don't fit the mold she made for me.

I did give her a Valentine's present too (gotta' fight for what I want too) - I don't think she expected that (and of course didn't give me anything - and as TEC mentioned didn't think to give anything to our daughter or to put anything together for our daughter to give me.) She said it was very nice but that it wasn't the right time to which I replied that I think it is exactly the right time, that I love her and left it at that. She didn't throw out the flowers and the gift is still sitting on the table where she left it after opening it but I don't mind that - every time she sits down to eat I think it takes another little shot at the rosy little world she has conjured up for herself.

Funny you should mention losing weight - I've been working on 20lbs for over a year and in just the last couple of months have dropped another 10lbs. I'm sure the extra gym time helps but I think it is mostly the stress, loss of appetite and lack of sleep.

Now if you want a picture of just how on edge I am I got a notice in my mailbox yesterday that there was a letter waiting for me at the post-office that needs a signature. You can probably guess at the kinds of things that were running through my mind...

Took me a whole day to remember that I am expecting my new passport to be mailed out to me this week. I hope to pick it up tonight and know for sure.

I'm near the end of my tether with this whole situation but a mutual friend has been keeping me going the last few days - I think she is passing on what she has learned from conversations with my spouse without actually betraying her confidence or giving me specifics but enough to bolster my hope and keep me going a bit longer.

The last couple of days we have actually talked about doing some things together. Plus today is the second day she hasn't worn the necklace I believe he gave her. Don't know how much to read into this (though the necklace has been there pretty much every day until now) and even if it is a positive step there is a long way to go but I hope these are good signs.

Keep finding things to do with your kids it will help you and them feel better. And get out to do some things yourself too - whether or not you really enjoy them they will get your mind off things for awhile. However things do turn out in the end you do have to take care of yourself and your kids.

Piped_in
  #26 (permalink)  
Old 03-01-2006, 12:04 PM
TEC TEC is offline
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I went back home to Canada last week for a job interview and landed the job! I start on the 13th of March. So I will be living at our home in Canada, working until 30 days has passed and our home in Georgia can be purchased by my company. We should be all moving back mid to late April. Finally I can separate my wife for this other guy and it looks like a year and a half will pass after that until she finds out what her green card lottery results are, bad I hope.
Maybe this time she has away from him she will realize what she is doing and come to her senses. Either way the kids will have an established routine by then and it will make it harder for her to move away with them.
Fingers crossed
TEC
  #27 (permalink)  
Old 03-06-2006, 08:34 AM
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Glad to hear you at least have some hope and maybe will get some time to work things out.

I wish my wife could get away from the other guy for long enough to think for herself but we all work at the same place and they insist that they were friends before so it is okay that they see each other every day still. She seems to believe this is true love and that this is her one "chance to be happy". Despite the hurt and pain it is inflicting on two families. And he for his part has told his wife that he wants to try to work things out but despite the advice of the books they've bought, counsellors they are seeing and friends they talk to the one thing he refuses to do is break contact with my wife - of course that is the one thing that will completely sabotage any attempt he claims to make with his own family.

This weekend she actually expected me to sit down and figure out all the things that need to be done so she'll be ready "If (she) decides to leave". She's looking in the real estate papers and adding up her cash to make a down payment - even trying to decide which neighbourhood/school area.

Hope your days are going better than mine. Please post back in awhile and let us know how things are going. And remember it will take time and may not work out even with two of them separated but sounds like it might be a start, I wish you the best of luck.

piped_in
  #28 (permalink)  
Old 03-06-2006, 11:46 AM
TEC TEC is offline
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Thanks for your continued support piped_in. It sounds like we have similar issues. I submitted a post thats called "Separation proposal" that she has come up with. Take a look at it and give my your opinion. I will be moving back to Canada this week to start work at a new job there so now if she wants to see him the kids will be present and I hope she has the sense not to do anything inappropriate in front of them. I probably won't be back down to the states to move until early May so they will be able to communicate freely without having to tip toe around me. Good luck to you and hope to hear from you soon
TEC
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