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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 02-10-2006, 08:26 AM
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Tec,

God has already given you the strengh ... cause you just asked. Know you have it.

Here is something a senior Intercessor said to me yesterday as we prayed ... "God will test his children" ... and Lord, what better test than for that of someone you love on earth!

Know this, judge and you will be judged, fight by the sword and you die by the sword ... should you wife come around ... think of the 'guilt' and 'shame' she will have to carry around for life ... this will tear her apart ... unless.

If this offers you any reassurance ... the grass aint greener on the other side, and when she comes to this realization and finally WAKES up, her world (you and the kids) may be gone!

You are not a fool TEC, just a good person with a great soul ... for ever wanting to take her back ...

I say ... fight for her, not in the physical sense, but in the sense that you have the belief that she will come back to her senses and family, someday.

Hubby
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Old 02-10-2006, 07:15 PM
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Default Re:Bye Bye Kids

Hubby
Thanks for your words of encouragement. This website is the only place I can go at the moment to get support. I am trying to figure out what happens in a divorce, what the steps and procedures are in Ontario. My soon to be ex wife says she wants joint custody but I can't see how this would work if she moves back to the states. Its probably going to take her some time to get a visa or worse: she has pondered the idea of coming back down here illegally! Wow ain't that great for the kids. I have told her she is completely nuts if she does that. I am hoping that I can get the kids into a routine back in Canada, school, activites etc and hope that this would make it harder for her to move them down to the states. Sorta status quo.I have told her if she comes down here I would not sign off the kids if she did something stupid as illegally entering the states. I am hoping that even if she comes down here through the proper channels that a judge would look at from this standpoint: reason she is moving down-to see if she can build a relationship with this new joker. Not really a stable plan or environment for kids.
I am hoping a judge would see the kids in their hometown,in a good school, living with their paternal father, stable life,kids stay with me.
But some of the threads I see in here point towards primary caregiver (her) I just think at this point she is only thinking of herself and this new guy and not the kids and it bothers me very much,
As I stated before I am willing to try and work out our marrige but she is adement about saying we are finished.
Any advice or suggestions support etc would be so appreciated.
I don't know if I can sit through all this until May when we move back. So much is probably going to happen between her and him in that amount of time that I am scared she may find a way to stay and my hands are tied to move in May due to me companies repatriation process.
Hurting, worried, confused, growing desparate....
TEC
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 02-13-2006, 03:10 PM
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TEC,

My spouse entered an affair with a married guy a few months ago. She claims she loves him (does anyone actually use the word "soulmate" outside of an affair?) and no longer has any feelings for me - she hasn't actually decided to move out yet but manages to nearly completely ignore me at home; not only that but refuses to remember all the good times we've had over the years. When I found out I told her that I forgive her and how much I love her. She agreed initially to try to rebuild our relationship but is not trying at all - while the physical affair has ended she won't stop seeing, talking to and emailing this jerk so the emotional one continues - she still wears the necklace I'm pretty sure he gave her. I hope you're able to keep things together and that coming back to Canada gives your marriage the space it needs to have a chance. In our case we all work at the same place and I don't know any way to get us some space away from this jerk to give us a chance since she'll hardly do anything at all with me. And, having known him longer than her I'm pretty sure he is just stringing her along - I don't think he is willing to end his own marriage. They have two kids, we have one.

I'm starting to look at all the implications too - we're common-law not married but separation agreements, child custody and child rearing agreements, property settlement are all looming, over-whelming and I really don't want anything to do with them, just to try rebuild our relationship.

I'm pretty sure my spouse hasn't thought through any of this detail - just has some rosy idea about shared custody. I think she is still living in some kind of dream world and if she could get away from this other guy she would have some chance to realize just how significant the path she is on really is. And if our relationship really was over then I don't know what she was thinking to start an affair before working that out, just makes it doubly hard.

So just know you are not alone, I feel your hurt and pray things will work out for you.

Piped_in
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 02-13-2006, 03:43 PM
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TEC,

What you have going for both of you when you come back to Canada is time.

When affairs begin, it's normally an indication that something was missing from the relationship. Some need or hers was not being met, with raising a family and day to day stresses ... spouses can take each other for granted and slowly but surely drift apart. This is a NORMAL process or any relationship cycle and knowing this, you can do things to fall back in love.

TEC, your grieving at the moment, this is why you are experiencing so many emotions ... tis normal ok.

Start to do things for yourself ... keep yourself busy. Read through ALL the post here, there be a ton of information that will eventually educate you. There are also some articles from Jeff and get his mini course ... pure Gold!

How long you two planning to come back to Canada. If it is several months, once you have the kids established in a 'routine' ... you could get a court order to keep the kids her. I'm no lawyer, but there is mention on some of the threads on how to go about preventing a spouse from taking a running off with the kids, if you do not have an agreement or court order in place ... she has free will to pick up the kids and leave to the US.

The best advice I can give you is to remain PATIENT! Time will not only heal you and your hurts, it may slowly bring your wife to the realization that she has made a terrible mistake ... as many affairs are.

Let me warn you, spouses in affairs or who are emotionally detached will say and do stupid things, they are not really thinking objectively ... keep your cool and your head about you.

Remember, this guy may have a degree in martial arts, however it's not the physical arena where the battle is won ... it's in the mind.

Hubby
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Old 02-13-2006, 07:42 PM
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Default Re Bye Bye Kids

Piped_in, Hubby. Thanks for your support. Sounds like Piped_in is going through the same thing as me. I am doing things for myself. I purchased a save my marrige book to learn and grow as a person. Of course I am blamed as the reason our marrige failed. I told her I want to try and work it out, counceling whatever but she still said the it feels like a death has occured meaning our marrige and to keep her sanity she cannot take a chance and go back and try again. I told her that I am not accepting this for now and that I am going to continue working on myself. When I mention the affair she offers that we really didn't have a marrige all along so it doesn't feel like an affair to her.
Her "plan" for when we move back to our home in Canada is to find a job, stay living in the same house (if thats ok with me) file for divorce, work on trying to get back to the states. If she is successful in getting a visa she will move back down here buy a house get settled and then ask me if its ok if the girls come live with her (joint/shared custody) Ya right. First of all I think there are a few conditions to meet concerning an uncontested divorce.
1. there is a one year mandatory separation period correct?
2. you must have resided in Ontario for the last year.
So there is this to deal with. I am getting the feeling this thing couldgoon for a while. She doesn't want the house, just her half when I can manage it. She doesn't want spousal support, she can take care of herself. As far as child support, she doesn't want to have the courts specify a schedule as weare both going to be trying to get back on our feet so we can help each other when we are able.
Does this sound like a divorce? You tell me.
I am having a better day today for a change but am still up and down
Hope your feeling good Piped_In and hope to here from the 2 of you soon.
TEC
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 02-14-2006, 09:14 AM
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TEC,

Not so good today being valentines and all but I do appreciate your thoughts.

I too am doing things for myself - ironically things I was previously doing for her and us more than myself. I started running on the treadmill some months ago to try to keep up with my spouse who had recently gotten into the sport. And I started going to the gym again. I used to go to the gym several times a week before we got together but she seemed to want me at home all the time so I let it go then when she started going and I wasn't ready we were "drifting apart" and even more ironic is that I was working on getting in shape again, but was some months behind her, so that I could feel comfortable going to the gym with her, again something she recently got into.

I'm not sure how much stock to put in your wife blaming you for the failing marriage - my spouse has gone there too but I think she is just trying to justify her own screwed up decisions. Her tales of woe are just too one-sided and she refuses to even acknowledge the good times we've had. Not that there weren't issues in the relationships and not that there aren't things you and I can and should work on ourselves. But you (and I) really shouldn't shoulder all the blame - you are not the one that chose to have an affair. If you are anything like me you probably didn't realize that your spouse was in need of something more from the relationship or at best had some vague feeling that things weren't quite right but no idea how far it had gone. I'm sure had you realized where things were your approach to remedy things would not have been to run out and start an affair.

If it didn't hurt so much I would probably find it funny just how similar your wife's comments are to my spouse's. Not only that but how completely stereotypical they are:

http://www.shirleyglass.com/introduction.htm
http://www.shirleyglass.com/afterword.htm

(I didn't buy this book but found it eerie how similar the description in the introduction was.)

Personally I think they are living in some kind a dream world and haven't thought through any of the things you and I see as considerations (and don't want to have any part of.) And I'm afraid that until they each sever all contact with the other guy they won't be able to think straight.

Hope you survive another day mostly intact...

Piped_In
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 02-14-2006, 10:06 AM
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Default Re: Bye Bye kids

Piped_in, I share your feelings about valentines day. Last night she went out to karate and I had the girls make cards for her. She had already told me not to bother doing anything from me to her but I purchased a card and wrote a poem I came up with to express how I was feeling and left it on the table with the girls cards to her.
I know she saw it this morning but didn't say a word or open it. I left for work and will see if she opened it or just through it away when I get home. I know she was with "him" last night, I wonder what I bought him for valentines day. I guess whats eating at me today is she didn't make an effort with the girls to give me a card or anything from them at least. As far as me shouldering all the blame? Not going to happen, it takes 2 to screw up a relationship even though thinking about it now, I have been saying Im sorry for the past 10 years about various issues but no sorries from her side. It must be nice to imagine that you can do no wrong.
Lately she hardly does anything around the house, shopping for food is an afterthought all she can think about is calling "him", when she will be going out next etc. Everything revolves around karate and going to help out at the new facility he is building.
I am going back to Canada next wed thru fri for a job fair. Hopefully I land a job and we can get out of here away from him ASAP. I wonder what I will come home to this time. I went to Canada in January for the same thing, when I left we were still being intimate, when I came home a week later I noticed that 2 condoms were missing so I asked her at supper that night "planning on having some save sex?" Her reply was I can't believe you went in there and counted them. Yes, if the opportunity comes up I am going to sleep with him. And its all been downhill from there.
I have rambled on enough
Be strong, I am trying my best
TEC
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 02-14-2006, 09:01 PM
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This is very unfair - you should def. see a lawyer about this. That being said, you guys should both consider the kid's feelings and make sure to have their voices heard. By your wife doing this, your kids will basically no longer have a father who they can see or talk to whenever they need.
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 02-15-2006, 02:31 PM
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Thanks for the support Julie! I can use all I can get at the moment. Each day I wait patiently for my relocation company to contact me about getting on the road to Canada. It seems like its taking an eternity. I believe its very selfish of my wife to do whats she is considering. I probably would be able to handle the situation with the other guy if we were not living in the same house but unfortunately thats not possible down here. I am just dumbfounded as to how fast she switched from me to him with no remorse, just like changing socks without missing a beat. Let me tell you that it just kills me everytime she goes out the door and believe me she is finding more and more excuses to go out. I just want to get home and maybe she will come to her senses, maybe. She wants to arrange joint custody when we return which is in my favor and seeing as we will under the same roof the kids will still has somewhat of a family atmosphere. Like Hubby says I have to keep my cool and get on home turf but its extremely difficult. I have lost 28 pounds since the latter part of January. I needed to lose a few but not this way!
I would like to thank everyone in this forum for their support and suggestions, I look forward to the replies everyday, its helping me stay sane.
Thankyou All
TEC
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 02-15-2006, 03:58 PM
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TEC ...

FYI, it took me around 2 months before I was able to 'emotionally' stabalize myself.

Praying and going to the gym helped me enormously and the fact that OttawaDivore and Jeff are but a few blocks away from me!

You need to focus on yourself and your kids. I mean that.

You know, your spouse is probably getting great satisfaction in your suffering. There is a way to nullify this. Simply, do the opposite of what you've been doing.

Dont chase, plead, beg, cry, ask where she's been. You have to get out and enjoy yourself, look HAPPY, fake it if you have too. Don't answer questions directly but be vague in your answers, if she asks anything about your day and what you've done. Don't say "I love you". Take the kids out and disappear for awhile.

Know that in your heart, God looks upon you with great favor and respect and he will grant you strengh if you ask for it. Tis not you commiting sin but her. It could be that this is your TEST of a lifetime to bring or draw you closer to Him ... yeah, sometimes he uses relationships to get our attention, I'd say he's definately gotten yours ... cause you mean so much to him and there is something special about you.

Like I said before, in time, this infactuation of hers will fade. Grass always looks greener at first and eventually dulls over time.

I MIGHTY blessing that He will get you through this storm ... he will.

Hubby
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