Best path for changing status quo?

[Harold Callahan]

I don't mind doing the work on this but I think I may need a lawyer for this since it seems tricky. I have touched upon this perviously but wanted to present my problem more specifically..I'm sure this is common for Dad's who start EOW and then would like to have 50/50

I am a Dad who has had EOW arrangement with Ex. Could not help that. Son is now 11. I have moved 2 blocks away from my son's school. I beleive my son needs to have a dad in his life more than just EOW - epecially at this age moving forward. e.g. he has some peach fuzz developing and his mother bought him an electric shaver for xmas. Luckily I explained to my son why it's not time to use that and he understood! Funny I know, but illustrates the problem. 11 yr olds need a male figure in there life to help them as they grow from a male perspective. No offence to single moms this is just my case and my belief. I respect the job that single mom's do. but that is part of my reasoning for wanting to change the present situation.

We do not have a custody order in place or a valid separation agreement any longer and any change I impose is a change in the "current arrangement" as it has become the status quo now. Some have advised to change the current arrangment while I can which makes sense but her lawyer has stated that any unilateral decision I make will force his hand and bring the current status quo arrangment to court and have it turned into an order.

Yes I can try to work out a new arrangment but it's become clear to me that anything providing my son with more access to me will not be agreed to, even him walking over after school every day, so I have to decide my best course of action.

If I create a situation where I end up in court could I not then argue for more access or should I be the one going to court seeking more access.. etc.

Ultimately I would like 50/50. What's the best approach? Aside from the obvious answer of getting a good lawyer..

thanks

H

[blinkandimgone]

Single mom here, offence taken. Undercutting Mom and her efforts is NOT the way to do it. You left Mom on her own to handle raising the boy and she has. NOW you decide he needs a male figure in his life and it's convenient for you to be around more and you make your first move to undermine Mom?

Your son needed you in his life more than EOW weekend from the start. WTH was your effort then???

You sir, are an ass.

[HammerDad]

When did you move to the your current residence and how far did you live prior?

Your move may constitute a material change in circumstances. If you are in your kids school district, even better.

But yeah, the material change in circumstance is about the only place you can hang your hat. Try to work with your ex in the best interests of your child. Try to mediate if you can. I don't see her being very receptive, but you have limited choices.

[Harold Callahan]

I knew i might offend with my comment - again very sorry. I was left in such dissarray when my wife moved out, and 80km away, I was in no position to do anything else. I tried but couldn't afford it and lost the house in the process.

I moved recently (Dec 2011)

regardless of what myself or my wife might want, would the court not agree that spending more time with his dad is in the best interest of the child?

Would the court agree to a family assesment? I can't see why they wouldn't support more time.. here I am..?

H

[HammerDad]

Originally Posted by Harold Callahan

spending more time with both his parents is in the best interest of the child?

Fixed your post...

Think gender neutral and child centric. The last thing you want is to go into court saying that the boy needs a father figure to teach him man stuff, only to end up with a single mom of boys as a judge.......

Gender is irrelevent. What is in the best interests of the kid is to have a solid relationship with both parents and to have two parents that are trying to facilitate said relationship.

[blinkandimgone]

I don't disagree that EOW isn't enough, however you'll need more of a case then 'he's hitting puberty so now's a good time to have dad around'. And you'd best re-think your approach of undermining mom simply because she's female and couldn't possibly relate to a male child.

[Harold Callahan]

I thank you both and agree I may be presenting it wrong, I do beleive strongly that he needs to have more access to his Dad. He may not have had it for the last 3-4yrs but having a good healthy relationship with both parents moving forward is better than not having that in terms of positive development.

The gender related comments are a reference to what is becomming noticable now as opposed to 3 yrs ago. It's not trying to undermine anyone just pinpoint one reason why having two parents to model from are important growing up.. (now I'll hear from same sex marriages lol)

I think its valid..? but no it's not my main issue and thanks for reminding of that.

Now - however short sighted my comment may have been, my son's future is still in the balance. I'd like to make it the most fullfilled future with memories of a father (not just a mother) who loves him.. I know what not having a father around is like. It's a big hole in someones' life. There is no need for that here if I can help it.

What do you think of getting the court specialists involved and let then make thier recommendations? (in terms of access arrangments etc)

thx

H

[FightingForFamily]

Offer mediation, cite the change of material circumstances (your moving) as cause for the change, and declare your goal of 50/50 right from the start and don't accept anything that doesn't end in it if that's what you want. However be flexible and prepared that it happen gradually.

Your son is nearly old enough that his opinion should be considered but it's not ultimately his choice until he's 12-14+.

Don't go to court. Just don't. Nag her about mediation every month for a year until she attends. If she won't attend by then, you at least have a chance of costs awarded for trying to negotiate.

But overall it's very hard or nearly impossible to break status quo.

[Harold Callahan]

Thank you FightingForFamily, what is the main reason to avoid court? Costs? Waste of time..?

Both me and my ex understand the need to avoid unnessesary costs..

This forum has now given me a frame of reference at least to start from which is - the change in my situation.. that is a good place to start..

H

[slughead10]

as a single father of 4 kids 2 boys and 2 girls i would say gender is relevant and puberty is a case in point and if you think otherwise than you are the ass......