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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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Old 02-08-2006, 10:34 AM
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Default Is it best to initiate?

Well, wife came to bed yesterday ... after having read some pro marriage books and all, she is not angry but sorry that she feels the way she does - 'Her not being in love' ...

I said, we cannot go on like this forever, that her feelings of not loving me and me being extremely patient, which I reminded her I was not (she laughed). She agreed.

I took off my ring and she was understanding of this ... I said I did not want to send the wrong signals to women. We are both understanding of each others needs ... I'm respectful of hers and she understands my needs after having educated ourselves.

Question is this, I'm not sure she realized the extent of what is involved in a seperation agreement and the time it takes. She's pushing for 'primary caregiver' with our current home being the primary residence. I said that to protect us from future issues that I wanted the Seperation agreement to state 50/50 custody and shared access and parenting. In other words - kids are split between us down the middle. Although it was like this on paper, we could work out phsical custody to accomdate based on the childrens age. They be young, it may not be in their best interest to move form house to house at such an early age ... however, knowing full well, that both our interests and the childrens have to be documented in the seperation agreement to allievate any future misunderstandings.

Is it best for her to initiate or I?

You know, what DecentDad mentioned though, rings in my ears, that after having done the math ... this hubby may get screwed and may find it financially challenging to raise kids in a 50/50 custody, shared parenting agreement?

I don't know? My friend said, best to plan while you are not in so much emotional turmoil ...

Oh boy, I've reached the fork in the road, decision time. I'm trying to be realistic ... it take MONEY to raise kids.

I could use some wisdom and advice ... HELP!

Hubby
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Old 02-08-2006, 11:15 AM
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Default He works in mysterious ways!

Wow. You all know I'm a FIRM believer in the big guy above. My spiritual sister in TO called ... she be much more spiritually mature than I.

I believe He works through people and events to communicate sometimes. I believe her calling was such a message. Her messages was ... To put the ring back on , to be the pillar in the house, she said 'you tripped up' he's here to pick you up, that she (my wife) is not above God and that he would work through her ...

My sister had NO idea what transpired yesterday evening, but He did ... he sent her as the messanger! Tis so cool!

Thanks God!

Hubby
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Old 02-08-2006, 04:13 PM
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Old 02-08-2006, 04:40 PM
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In my completely unofficial survey, when sane women initiate divorce (not as the applicant), but the simply initiator, you are far better off. When bitter women initiate divorce or when a man initiates divorce, god help you.

Also, I would share the children 50-50 regardless of age. 50-50 does not have to mean week on/week off.

hmm.. I see warning signs "Primary caregiver" being one of them. "Matrimonial home" being the other.

Good luck.
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Old 02-08-2006, 04:45 PM
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She has admitted to seeing a lawyer and seperation agreement may be in the works.

I'll have to ask point blank I guess.

Hubby
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Old 02-08-2006, 04:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hubby
She has admitted to seeing a lawyer and seperation agreement may be in the works.
Hubby
Gee... I couldn't tell. You seem like a nice person. And I have read your posts. You had better get your act together.
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Old 02-08-2006, 04:53 PM
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DecentDad,

I'm acting in only trying to educate myself. I thought it better to wait until I was served with the sepeation agreement before seeking legal representation.

What is your definition of 'act'?



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Old 02-08-2006, 05:12 PM
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You are doing a good job by getting educated. And this forum is fantastic (I wish this was here 4 years ago).

Perhaps you could be suggest writing your own agreements, seek out mediation, etc. Also be very aware of what is going on. I gave you lists before. Okay lets see some potential problems....
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Old 02-08-2006, 05:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hubby
Question is this, I'm not sure she realized the extent of what is involved in a seperation agreement and the time it takes. She's pushing for 'primary caregiver' with our current home being the primary residence.
Red flag alert. Go over the lists we have disucssed in other threads.

Quote:
I said that to protect us from future issues that I wanted the Seperation agreement to state 50/50 custody and shared access and parenting. In other words - kids are split between us down the middle.
Then do that right away. Think not only of status quo, but the changes your kids will got through. One change is better than a whole bunch of changes.

Quote:
Although it was like this on paper, we could work out phsical custody to accomdate based on the childrens age. They be young, it may not be in their best interest to move form house to house at such an early age ... however, knowing full well, that both our interests and the childrens have to be documented in the seperation agreement to allievate any future misunderstandings.
This may come back to kill you. Judges do not do anything crystal ballish. Court orders only like to deal with the present. Minutes of settlements may state that your intention is to go to 50-50 (at some time). You may have battle against this once status quo has been established. Unless the other person can be completely trusted, and the schedule is very short, any type of incremental time sharing will not work. Why? For one, you basically signed over the kids to the other parent. For another, it is too rigid.

Quote:
Is it best for her to initiate or I?
Usually it is better for her to initiate... but it is never better for her to file first (be the applicant).

Quote:
You know, what DecentDad mentioned though, rings in my ears, that after having done the math ... this hubby may get screwed and may find it financially challenging to raise kids in a 50/50 custody, shared parenting agreement?
Contrary to popular opinion, I actually no far too much about this than I ever thought humanly possible. Responding here all depends on how much time I have betwee RL, helping people, other forums and lobbying for legislative reform (where most of my time is spent).

Quote:
I don't know? My friend said, best to plan while you are not in so much emotional turmoil ...
IMO, if you donot get things done in 3 months - you are doomed.

Quote:
Oh boy, I've reached the fork in the road, decision time. I'm trying to be realistic ... it take MONEY to raise kids.
I could use some wisdom and advice ... HELP!
Hubby
Sorry.. what is your decision? To divorce? To take the kids 50-50?

If you have tried everything to prevent the divorce, the decision is not yours.

Otherwise, 50-50, joint custody are the only way to go.
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Old 02-08-2006, 09:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Decent Dad
Usually it is better for her to initiate... but it is never better for her to file first (be the applicant).
Why? I didn't think it made a difference, Applicant or Respondent.
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