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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 08-22-2012, 04:24 PM
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ONTMOMMA is on a distinguished road
Default 2 years to agree......15 days to default

Hi all: New Here. Thanks up-front for any advice that is offered!

My ex and I separated almost 8 years ago. He's a control freak, manipulative and an outright liar. We struck a sep and custody agreement after separation (I prompted due to numerous "if you don't I'll take you to court" threats).

Ex was supposed to pay 60% of s.7 expenses, guideline support and was to update his income annually.

Well, fast forward a couple of years.....ex never updated income voluntarily. It wasn't until after he had another child did I become aware that his income was much higher than he stated in the original agreement.

For another reason entirely (daughter refusing to visit her dad due to his new wife) I filed for sole custody, back support, back s.7 expenses and an altered access schedule. Two years in and out of settlement conferences, involvement of OCL, ex submits final offer to settle which outlined access on a week on/week off basis. I finally relented, forgave all back expenses, all back child support and accepted updated child support according to guidelines .... just to get him off the week on/week off schedule he was demanding. After two years of back and forth, I finally settled May 30. By June 15 my ex had decided that our daughter wasn't "worthy" of the vacation to the cottage he had taken her on since separation and basically decided she'd be left home. Despite my objections (I had vac time for myself and new hubby scheduled during ex's time with our daughter) my ex refused to even acknowledge that I wasn't going to be around that weekend/week and I was forced to cancel my vacation (daughter wasn't quite 10 at the time). Not that big a deal....except, my ex hasn't bothered to see his daughter since. He hasn't exercised his generous access time since the end of June and never even bothered to call her on her birthday.

Now, obviously he was using a horrible proposed access schedule in order to negotiate himself out of back support/expenses. As soon as I offered to forgive those debts, he accepted the access schedule I gave him.

He hasn't paid support regularly at all since May 30 - even refused to pay support on June 1 as he was sure I would contact FRO and didn't want to "pay twice". FRO is another issue entirely

Anyhow, I've gotten C&FS involved due to the obvious emotionally abusive way he has handled our daughter, myself, his other daughter and her mother (whom is not the new wife). My daughter is quite happy to not have to see her dad at the moment and I'm working with C&FS to get him back on track with regard to access and his treatment of her.

My question is primarily this - since he has defaulted on access (his own choice and on-going choice - preferring his double header baseball schedule than his daughter), hasn't made any effort to get up to date on his child support (FRO is just one more system he can manipulate) and so obviously was "using" a proposed access schedule he knew I would find distasteful in order to eliminate all past debts and legal costs.....can I sue him in small claims for breach of contract/agreement and get back all the back support, expenses and legal fees I was forced to forgive him?? I spent 13Gs on the last court "go around" which was essentially a complete waste of time. I spent 5Gs on the first agreement in order to squash the court threats. As a result of this agreement, the past agreement (which he didn't honour either) and the insufficient support he had paid for many years and the sporadic support I've received since the final court agreement, I'm in a tremendous amount of debt! All for essentially no reason! I'm trying to recoup some of my costs - yes! But, I'm also trying to impose some sort of consequence for his selfish, manipulative actions so I don't end up in this very spot again.

Thanks for reading my long-winded post!
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 08-22-2012, 04:40 PM
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Yes, you have wasted a lot of time, money, and effort. Sounds like you are thinking of doing it again.

If you feel you can't make him pay support, use the FRO. You have a court order in place, so that is your only option.

You made a deal regarding back support and other issues and settled the matter. I'm thinking his refusing some access during the summer was not part of your agreement, meaning that his utilizing his access was not required in your agreement.

He should be paying what you agreed to, so make that happen via FRO.

He can't be forced to utilize his access, so any effort in forcing him will be a waste of time. Utilizing C&FS seems uncalled for from what you have said.

You just had years of stress and courts and finally settled. So live with what you agreed to, and focus on your time with your daughter and let him worry about his.

From your post, you seem to be in his business too much - you should worry about getting the CS you agreed to, and updating the amount yearly, and worry about your time with your daughter. Everything else is a waste of time, money, and probably not helpful to your daughter, or her parents.
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Old 08-22-2012, 05:09 PM
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ONTMOMMA is on a distinguished road

I think I've been misunderstood here.

C&FS was involved because he was fully prepared to leave a 9 year old girl home alone for over a week. When I advised him that I wasn't in the country to help him alienate his daughter - he hung up on me. I also have dozens of other concerns that were not mentioned here that warranted C&FS (calling our daughter names, implementing unreasonable punishments, buying her red lace push up bras with removable padding....etc). I'm not trying to get him to utilize his access - I'm trying to get my daughter to understand that his not utilizing his access is not her fault, and to put some distance between me and him. This man honestly believes he can tell me to cancel my vacation, adjust my work schedule - hell he even emailed me to tell me that I wasn't allowed to email him.....He's called the police because I had the nerve to request repayment for my daughter's vaccination..... If that isn't an abuse of perceived power....I don't know what is!

And your assumption I'm in "his business too much" is hardly warranted. In fact, I have no knowledge of "his business" at all.

My concerns are this: What is the point in any court action, agreement if it isn't struck in GOOD FAITH? He used his so called desire for more access as a way to negotiate out of his debts to me.

FRO is a useless agency that hasn't come through at all. My question isn't about ongoing support - it's about his default on his half of the agreement. It took him only 15 days to default on an agreement that took two years to make.......if there's no consequence to that, then isn't the whole system quite pointless?? I know if I defaulted on my agreement and refused to give him access, I'd be subject to being hauled back into court.

He chose to use an access schedule that even he didn;t want in order to get the money owed off the table. How is this not another manipulation of the entire system?
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Old 08-22-2012, 05:18 PM
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HammerDad will become famous soon enough

What is your proposal? What is your ultimate goal should you return to court?

I see a lot of complaining about the situation, some of it is legitimate, other stuff seems pretty petty.

If we knew what you wanted to achieve, we'd be able to provide more advice. But given the what is provided, I don't see any cause or material change in circumstance that would warrant a return to court.

You can't get a court order to make someone a good parent.

What you may be able to achieve, and would likely be the most beneficial, is to get your daughter into counselling, with you and your ex participating, to help her through this and possibly teach her coping mechanisms to deal with the bad parenting. Other than that, maybe you could get court ordered parenting classes and parenting after divorce classes, but it would likely be ordered for both of appear equal.

I would not speak directly to your daughter and suggest that the ex is bad/wrong etc. Console her, give her an outlet to vent, but don't disparage the other parent. It doesn't help the kid in the long run.
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Old 08-22-2012, 05:23 PM
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Berner_Faith will become famous soon enough

Point is you agreed to no back support and in turn gained sole custody... with sole custody you are basically responsible for all aspects of the child... Dad can't be forced to be a parent, and because you have sole custody, as much as it may suck you had to cancel your plans, you did the right thing in being there for your daughter.

Sounds like he knew what would make you back down on the past debts just to gain sole custody. I feel you think he screwed you, which I guess he did because he knew you would not accept 50/50...but this is something you agreed to and you have dug your own grave on that one.

It is very unfortunate for the child that Dad doesn't want to spend time with her, however she obviously has a mother who cares... don't spend more time/money taking him back to court, FRO is slow, but will eventually kick in... if someone doesn't pay you really can't force them to by taking them to court, because clearly even with a court order he isn't paying.
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Old 08-22-2012, 05:27 PM
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Not much you can about him not exercising his visiting right. Do not waste your time going after him as it is a waste of time. You forgave him the arrears, nothing you can do about it now.

He did not left your daughter alone as she was with you and yes you have to rearrange your plan but so be it. Your daughter is with you and is in it better than being left while your gone. Child come first, take care of her and if he does not want to be part of her life, there is no point wasting your time.

The only thing you can do is to enforce his current support through FRO. For the rest, let it be and move on.
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 08-22-2012, 10:07 PM
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dhutch is on a distinguished road

The FRO takes a long time to catch up to defaulters. A few years ago we got a letter saying we were over $3000 behind on support. They had failed to read the order so they didn't realize that a certain amount per month for extra expenses had ceased years before but I knew it so I'd paid what was suppose to be paid. 2.5 years later they come for the $$$...that we ended up not even owing. I feel bad for you parents out there that have to fight for support. The FRO needs to be more on the ball.
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Old 08-23-2012, 12:50 AM
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Why don't you stop depriving your daughter of her Father because you are bitter over lost child support. You are ultimately messing with her mind.

With all your complaints about him, shared parenting never would have happened anyhow. Someone who fails to pay CS is not a great candidate for shared parenting. Judges get a little suspicious about motive.

Your apparent lack of legal counsel cost you a lot of money.

You should lay off the emotions and start thinking with your brain.

Enforce the ongoing support and deal respectfully with him (even if you have to grit your teeth) and you may find it reciprocated and $$$$ too.
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 08-23-2012, 01:33 AM
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Originally Posted by beebie View Post
Why don't you stop depriving your daughter of her Father because you are bitter over lost child support. You are ultimately messing with her mind.

With all your complaints about him, shared parenting never would have happened anyhow. Someone who fails to pay CS is not a great candidate for shared parenting. Judges get a little suspicious about motive.

Your apparent lack of legal counsel cost you a lot of money.

You should lay off the emotions and start thinking with your brain.

Enforce the ongoing support and deal respectfully with him (even if you have to grit your teeth) and you may find it reciprocated and $$$$ too.
Interesting. The 'dad' chooses NOT to use his access time and Mom is depriving her daughter of a father? Perhaps televised sports are depriving the girl of a father, since that is what he is choosing to do over spending his access time with her.
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 08-23-2012, 01:31 PM
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ONTMOMMA is on a distinguished road
Default WOW - I'm the bitter one??

My question was about a claim through SMALL CLAIMS COURT regarding all the money I forgave in order to get him off the week on/week off schedule he was demanding.

I did not get sole custody and agreed to a parenting arrangement, that while I didn't find satisfactory, was better than the week on/week off schedule he proposed. After spending $13Gs on legal fees, two years of being bullied, I agreed to forgiving owed money, a shared parenting plan because my funds were exhausted.

My intention was not to return to Family Court regarding any of this - that, I am aware is entirely futile, especially in consideration of his past handling of the situation. I never saw the point in agreeing to anything with him at all - he hasn't bothered to adhere to any agreement he has made.

My intention was to make him PAY for the costs associated with dragging me in and out of family court with the supposition that it was about custody, when, in all reality he has proven it was about the elimination of past debts. The fact that he hasn't bothered with seeing his daughter proves that he wasn't at all concerned about access - but rather the elimination of past debts. In my humble opinion, his actions are an abuse of the family court system......he couldn't care less about access.

Alot of conclusions jumped to in this forum........a lot of bitter bitter dads out there ready to just jump on any mom fighting for her right to be treated with some honesty, dignity and respect. He can't fight for an entire week of vacation time and then, when given that time....completely abandons her for that very same week. He was 100% prepared to leave a 9 year old home alone for over a week because I had the (gasp) nerve to book a holiday during the time when our agreement specifically states I do not have the child.

I have NOT ONCE deprived my daughter of her father. I can't make him choose her over his baseball games, trips away with his wife and childless weeks at the cottage. HE chose not to contact her on her birthday....

My daughter is free to contact him when she likes, whether it be via telephone or email. I can't force him to reply and I can't make him act like the father he has claimed to be. In the past I've watched my daughter go off with him kicking, screaming and crying. Not once in my posts did I mention that I was denying access time, I just mentioned that she's quite happy that he isn't exercising the time he was generously given.

I'm mad about being messed out of thousands in back support and back expenses as my legal fees climbed through one false allegation after another from him. My legal fees climbed when, each time at settlement conferences he changed his mind about what access time he wanted and what child support he wanted to pay. I sought sole custody so I would no longer be subjected to his unreasonable demands, but agreed to shared custody as a bid to end the nightmare HE CREATED. Had he stuck to the very first agreement he made, I'd be much better off financially and my daughter would be much better off emotionally....however, he CHOSE to lie about income, conceal income and refuse to pay his share of necessary items like medications. But, he CHOSE to lie and manipulate instead.....unfortunately, I can't change the CHOICES he made.
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