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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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Old 08-23-2010, 06:10 PM
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I have been in a common law relationshop for 6 years now. This months is my beginning of 7 th year.

My issue is, I think I am in a love hate relationship but still not sure if I still want in or out. He hit me at least once a year but the brutal one that I can remember is 5 years back and last night. I also had 2 times that I can remember he push me when I was pregnant and choke me when we were still dating. I know this make me sounds so stupid. I mean if I am normal why I am still with him. I, myself don’t even know.

5 years ago, we had priest come into my parents' house to counsel us. After that until last night, he only hit me out of jokes (like eg, we were arguing about TV channel then he hit me – 1 hit only).

Well, what past is past although I seem to cannot get it out of my mind.

Last night we were arguing about how he doesn’t want to work and he asked me to pay for monthly expenses. I refused then the argument escalated. When I was about to leave the room, he started to hit me then I fell to a picture frame and broke the glass. Then he started to hit me more. I cried then he said (in another language but I’ll translate) “I only hit you a few and you cried, what a weenie). My left arm sore and I can see bruises coming on arms and back. It bothers me how he doesn’t apologize for treating me like a piece of meat. I was worry and do not know what to do. I took picture right away of the redness which now has developed into bruises.

Have any of you ever experience this? I wonder what would happen if I report it to the cops? What would happen then?

I am thinking of going to family doctor tomorrow for the arm sores and my back. Should I tell I was hit by common law or just say I fell? What happen if I tell these bruises and sores are from common law, what the doctor would do?

In this kind of situation, since the condo is under both names, what happen if the cops tell us to separate, where would I live? What about child custody? Will it be 50-50? I was hoping to get full custody and he gets access with supervision because his family often teaches her to disrespect me. They speak another language that I don’t know of and a couple years back my child starting calling me in their language word that means whore but I didn’t know. I really don’t like my kid to be with his mother without 3 rd party supervision.
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Old 08-23-2010, 06:45 PM
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Call the police, report what happened, have him charged and removed from the home. Even if the condo is in both your names, he will be removed and you and the children can stay there for the time being while you sort out the financials. You say he's not working so you're footing the bil anyways.

As for custody, he should be asking for 50-50 and unless you can show that it is really not in the childrens' best interests then it should be that way. If he's abusive to the children as well then tell the police when they come and they will file a report with Children's Aid.

Your first step is definately calling the police, the longer you wait, the harder it will be. Even if he 'just hit you once', it's unacceptable - especially with children in the home. If you go to the doctor and say you fell, you will not be able to use the doctor's report in your abuse claim. Why would you lie to the doctor??? Nobody can help you if you don't tell the truth.
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Old 08-23-2010, 07:24 PM
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If I tell the doctor the truth, will it be just report or he's going to cops straight away. I still do not know what I want now. However if his abusive behaviour becomes worse I am out but not now. I still can endure it mainly because if it will end up in 50-50, I would like my kid to be mature enough to know what is right and what is wrong so when this 50-50 split happens and she is with his family, she knows what right and wrong.

She is only 4 yrs old and it hurts me having my kid not knowing that the word she is saying is wrong. Plus, I am always concern because he is a careless father. When my little girl was only 1 year or 2 years old, we were living with his parents. My common law brought her to play in his parents' garden. He somehow then was too busy looking at roses in the garden with his mother, he did not pay attention to the kid. When I check up on her from the window in my bedroom, she was across the street in neighbour's garden. I screamed and tell him abt it. The father claimed the kid was chasing butterfly and he didnt see her. Still, I think this is unacceptable. What if there were cars? Even until now, whenever we go to mall or outside, he doesnt hold her hands. A couple months back he was too excited getting a laptop, he and the kid went to the mall first because I was carrying big box and about to throw it away. When i went into the mall, I see him with no kid. I was panicking. Good thing I found her looking at toys at the mall enterance.

I would like to prove his carelessness. Any idea? Because this is about life. I am often scared and worry whenever he brings my daughter to his parents place or any other place without me around. I worry she gets hurt or worse missing or dead. It is not that I dont want her to not see them, I just want to assure her safety. I teaches her safety ofcourse like saying "if you're with your dad, grab his hands because he often forget to do so, so you do it!" and I also tells her again and again to not walk alone or leave her dad (whenever they go out and only them). So, what should I do to prove of this carelessness? So then when this 50-50 happens there is someone neutral looking after my kid when she is with him.

I was thinking of having convo with him about what happened a couple years back when he was too busy looking at roses and the kid ended up across the stress and record it. Will this help or the court will not have it?
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Old 08-23-2010, 08:11 PM
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Quote:
If I tell the doctor the truth, will it be just report or he's going to cops straight away. I still do not know what I want now. However if his abusive behaviour becomes worse I am out but not now.
I would hope they would report it, it's a crime. How much worse do you need it to get? Are you waiting for him cause permanent damage or kill you? Are you waiting until he beats you up in front of your daughter? You say he is a careless father, if you do nothing you're a careless mother allowing your child to grow up in a home like that. She is watching everything you do and learning it's ok.

Unless you reported the incidents at the time they happened you cannot use them to prove he is an unfit parent. If you truly felt he was you would have done something at the time, you did nothing and taught him it was ok by donig nothing - just like when he hits you and you do nothing.

If you truly feel he is an unfit parent then file for custody and show the courts why you are a good parent rather than trying to make him out to be a bad parent. If you have serious concerns about your daughter's well-being while she is with him then call Children's Aid but you cannot deny him access to his child simply because you think he might do something wrong.

Knowing that he's abusive and likely hit you, it would be stupid to purposely start a confrontational argument with him over something that happened years ago. You won't get your proof, likely you'll just get beaten to a pulp again.

You say you don't know what you want, but do you at least know what you don't want? Obviously you don't want to be beaten up all the time and you don't want your child to see you get beaten up by her father, shouldn't that be your biggest motivator to change the situation?

I have no idea why on earth you'd wait until it is worse, next time it happens you may not have a chance to do anything if he hurts you badly enough.
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Old 08-23-2010, 11:04 PM
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blinkandimgone, I think your response was quite harsh and not really supportive for someone who is going through abuse.

class123, I do agree with blinkandimgone though that this will get worse and will teach your daughter that abuse is okay and possibly repeat the cycle in her future relationships. I think your daughter will be much better off if you leave even if that means 50-50 phsyical custody.

I've been in a violent relationship and after a particularly threatening episode, I went to the courts to get an emergency (ex-parte) motion filed for a restraining order against my ex. You can likely also get exclusive possession of the house with evidence of abuse. Based on my recent experience with this, your x will get access with your daughter there is no doubt about that but you may be able to push for supervised access for a time, likely that will only be temporary in nature. You will also likely get sole custody based on the fact that you shouldn't have to agree on a parenting plan with someone who has been abusive towards you as you'll likely end up permanently in court.

I'm sorry to tell you that it's a tough, long road leaving an abusive ex behind, particularly when you have children together. However, I do believe it's best for you to leave this toxic relationship for your daughters sake.
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Old 08-23-2010, 11:29 PM
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It wasn't intended to be supportive. I don't support the notion of people staying in abusive relationships, especially when they know and acknowledge to others it's abusive AND yet still choose to stay, even when there are children involved. She asked what she should do, I answered, that IS what she should do.
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Old 08-24-2010, 01:38 AM
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Thank You everyone. As of now, I am educating myself about abuse. I do not talk or having anything to do with him. Just enjoying my day with my child. I am taking time to think and when I do make decision, I will not look back. I really like hearing people expirience and for sure I read everyone's advise and think it through. It is nice knowing that I am not alone.
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Old 08-24-2010, 08:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Mominneed View Post
blinkandimgone, I think your response was quite harsh and not really supportive for someone who is going through abuse.
I completely disagree. It wasn't harsh, it was solid advice backed up by her reasoning.

And it was supportive - to the child.

Why is that we have to immediately coddle the heck out of anyone going through this? What about children that are being allowed to be subjected to this? How about a little discussion of the lack of parental instinct to protect one's children, who also happen to be victims here, the most helpless victims at that?

Don't get me wrong. This behaviour is completely unacceptable. But this notion of wrapping the person getting hit (and let's face it, we don't do it for men, just women) in a blanket gives a free pass to the months/years that the children were subjected to abuse too and were not rescued. How about some accountability there as well?

Please don't respond back saying how I couldn't possibly understand because I haven't been through it. Well I have been through it. Regardless, it doesn't excuse a lack of protection for the children. It's instinctive.

Last edited by dadtotheend; 08-24-2010 at 08:32 AM.
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Old 08-24-2010, 09:33 AM
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What you need to do is focus on your saftey and the well being of your child. You need to call the police and have him charged. This will not get better, only worse. Living in an abusive situation is terrible but it is even worse for our child. I have been through this and I do understand your fears but the only thing that will help you and your child is to put an end to the abuse at once and then seek help for yourself. There are so many reasources out there to help. Call the police and follow up with victim services. LISTEN to EVERYTHING they tell you. Nobody should ever have to live through this, especially your child and it is your job as a parent to put an end to the violence in your home and provide a safe life for your child. Only you can change what is happening. If you stay with your abuser you are making the choice to be further abused and are making the choice to expose your child to this.

I am sorry if I come off harsh. I have been through this. I do empathize with you but please listen to me.

good luck and stay safe.
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Old 08-24-2010, 12:56 PM
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Yes. Call the police and report it. It doesn't matter if you didn't report it the same day. Get yourself to the doctor (who will document what happened and your injuries). You need to do this for yourself, and your daughter.

I'm telling you to do this because I didn't do it. Naively I beleived that my ex didn't deserve to have a police record, that it would ruin his relationship with his daughter. But by not reporting the abuse, the many times my daughter witnessed things, I became less credible. I am now fighting for her in court, fighting against joint custody, even when I am in agreement of sharing time equally with her.

You need to stand up for yourself and your daughter becasue nobody else will. Until you tell someone what is happening, NOBODY will act. Nobody wants to "get in the middle". I have friends and family who suspected what was happeneing, but they weren't sure, and thought it was much less than what it really was. It is your responsibility to your child to protect her, and that means protecting yourself AND her.

You don't have to go to the police alone. Call your local women's shelter. They will help you through this, and they can help you through the court process too. I know this is scary, but I stayed too long, gave in too many times and I regret it. Please don't make the same mistake I did.
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