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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 06-23-2010, 09:54 AM
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the kids all went through the not bringing friends over as well. We never knew what kind of mood he was going to be in from one minute to the next it was almost like a crap shoot. nice and then bam in a nasty verbally abusive mood. I must say I have gone through more verba/emotional/mental/financial than physical although enough physical abuse that he was charged on many counts not just one. Im glad I have an exceptional memory as hard as it was to recall at 2am.
Im expecting him to just get probation the pars course and drug and alcohol treatment. He's more verbally abusive when he's been drinking. And if he's out of pot my house was unbarable.
They court system scares the shit out of me its not designed for the victim. Actually this whole process has not been designed for the victim. I finally made the phone call but was totally unprepared for the aftermath. Financially, emotionally and mentally. I wasn't equipt to handle the state the children would be in and its ripped the family appart. One of my girls decided to move out. she's 16, and after he was removed from the home she became relentless in not following rules, not helping out with her share of the housework, came and went as she saw fit. I lost control. This is my fault though I allowed it by making up for what he wouldn't allow. She may come home eventually teens are funny that way. In the mean time we have to prep for court not knowing what will happen there. family court is a breeze compared to this but then again I may worry for nothing. I still feel he should have taken the deal the crown offered him.
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Old 06-23-2010, 01:05 PM
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Mess said some very important things. You are not to blame. You loved him and you gave him the benefit of the doubt. When you marry you swear to accept the person as they are, you accept that they are not perfect, and so you should accept that you too, are not perfect.

You mention several times that he did not abuse you as often physically. Please don't let that be your focus. That was the excuse I gave my ex for many years; that he only got physical once or twice a year. I couldn't see that the damage he was doing to me was mostly from the constant mental and emotional abuse and manipulation. That kind of damage goes much deeper. When you feel safe again, and he is no longer able to hurt you, then you will realize this, and it's much worse than being slapped in the face. That is when you will hit rock bottom. I did, but that was the point when I could finally start to heal myself.

I wish you good luck with the criminal proceedings. You have suffered enough and I hope it doesn't drain you too much. I don't think you have much to worry about with the Family court. Now that you have an interim order for support you should focus on helping your kids. It sounds like they went through a lot.
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Old 09-06-2010, 11:42 AM
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pokeman has a little shameless behaviour in the past
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quote "They court system scares the shit out of me its not designed for the victim. Actually this whole process has not been designed for the victim."

this i agree 100%

i am not clear how you got him into criminal court - my X ( the mother ) beat on me with fists and feet some of which the children witnessed - not to mention extreme violence against our 3 children - its been over 3 years now and she's never "had" to even appear in family court

children's services wrote up a report on her which documented her doing things like "kicking my 8yr old girl in the back knocking her to the floor and then sitting on her" as told by the children.

if your X is mentally ill the system seems to be tolerant of them taking you to court for (3) years saying they did 'nothing' which can effect the children in many ways like financial strain on you to provide for them - and the affadavits can have a physcological effect on you ... my X still emails me after 3 years " I will feel extreme pain soon " and my lawyer(s) wont do anything about it ...

the canadian system doesnt have a back bone for what some might think is 'justice' - it lives on the concept "children have a right to two parents" the highest priority no matter the financial or physco price the non abusive parent has to endure .... least thats my experience
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Old 02-20-2011, 12:25 PM
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Pokeman:
I didn't "get" my x into criminal court. He hit me i called the police they decided there was enough to place charges and they went back 10 years. He was ultimately charged with 6 counts of DA and 1 count of uttering threats. The dispatcher heard him on the phone yelling at me and decided that it was in best interest that the police charge him with that as well. Its been a year in the criminal court system and there is still no resolution to these charges. My daughters and I have provided testamony. The defence has not to date. Next court date is March 7th in which he will be providing his defence to the judge.
This process has been long. And the excuses the courts are giving me range from they had to get a judge from another city, the one in our area happened to be on vacation, they had to get crowns from other towns, our crown happens to be the sister of his lawyer. The last court date was remanded due to weather. Its frustrating that the crowns keep changing so I don't know who will be handling it this time around. The last crown I talked to seemed very confident there would be a conviction on all charges and that this was a complete waste of the courts time.
My x is bringing in character witnesses. Family of course and both are liars. Known not just me being bitchy about it. Both never saw the physical abuse however were present during the verbal outbursts and of course both will lie. Im not worried I've prepped the crown on both of them. One of his witinesses has a long standing criminal background of physcial violence including destruction of a police vehical in which he was tried for. So he's got some real winners on his side.

Im not too sure if conviced on the 7th he will be sentenced by the judge. In all reality this has taken well over a year to resolve. I'd like to move on with my life eventually without this looming
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