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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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Old 06-22-2010, 09:47 AM
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back in jan of 2010 my husband was arrested on six counts of domestic steming way back to 2001. Stupid me put up with the abuse for this long before I finally had enough.
We have all the normal restrictions and his bail was pretty large so he complies just fine. He doesn't want to go to jail.
Unfortunately we do have to see each other in family court where he continues to try to manipulate the system and continues on to financially and mentally abuse me through affidavits.
At this point he still thinks he has done nothing wrong, that "he didn't hit me that hard" blah blah still blaming and not taking ownership for his actions. His family has supported this fact but they always do.
The crown in May offered him a deal. He pleads out to just two counts of domestic, accepts a years probation and the manditory counsilling. He turned it flat down. However he's neither pleaded guilty or not guilty he I assume will do this come trial date.
My question is who has experience with trials and what should I expect? And if convicted on all or some of the charges what should I expect for sentencing?

Thank you in advance.
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Old 06-22-2010, 11:24 AM
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Not taking ownership? When are you going to take ownership of your decision not to pursue the bio dad for CS, or for not protecting your child from him?

He would be a damn fool to financially and mentally abuse you through affidavit in family court. Maybe you are perceiving it that way. You have certainly demonstrated quite a wilingness to point that out at every opportunity in your posts.

Be prepared for his criminal lawyer to present a theory that you are maliciously and falsely bringing these charges in order to advance your family law case. That you refuse for no good reason to pursue CS against the bio dad may buttress that theory and provide reasonable doubt in the criminal proceeding.

The criminal proceeding will turn on the evidence presented. I imagine, but can't say for sure since you are a "saver", that there isn't much in the way of evidence dating back to 2001. No one here can really comment on the quality of the evidence since we don't know what really happened and you are just one unobjective side of the story.

You will probably get more insight into sentencing on a criminal law forum. What are you hoping for in terms of a sentence?

Last edited by dadtotheend; 06-22-2010 at 11:26 AM.
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Old 06-22-2010, 12:58 PM
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The criminal courts will also look at history, has the person ever committed a similar offence? They will look into any complaints throughout the duration of relationship. If this is a one time offence, they may then question the complainant (you), they look at all the evidence and weigh the statements for credibility. If they feel the children are in any danger either from mother or father or both, they will remove them. They have the responsibility in the criminal courts to prove beyond a resonable doubt unlike the family courts where false allegations can be slung around without repercussions.
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Old 06-22-2010, 02:26 PM
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at this point I expect the unexpected and actually he's been txting me against the bail restrictions. I just don't answer.
I understand that anything can and will be used against me and actually dad I have talked to bio dad about support and him and I are going to go into agreement. We both understand that it is important that he pay. nobody is desputing this. He's willing to give me table amount based on his actual osdp
this is not disputed. there have been domestic calls to our home in the past. On record and actually he spent one night in jail.
The outcome I would like to see will more than likely I assume be irrelevent. However I hardly think jail would make a difference. I didn't call to send the man to jail I just wanted it to stop. Im not here to play victim actually. I actually did take a lot of what was said to me into consideration in this forum. I do miss my husband, would like us to get the help we need to be a productive healthy family I also know by his txts that he misses me too but I strongly believe its for other reasons. It wasn't a case of him smaking me and then I called the police. However I thought if I changed the abuse would stop. I also had hopes that after all of this we would try to work things out. I did get married to him later in life for a reason. I also took my vows very seriously and did not go into this marriage with rose coloured glasses on.
And before anybody says you made your bed lie in it...... I agreed to marry him because we had gone through two years of good not bad. And the bad started really getting bad about 9 months ago. I have documented through the hospital the last time he beat me up, I did contact and put on record with the domestic shelter as I felt a need. Family as well was aware of the abuse and knew about it.
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Old 06-22-2010, 04:35 PM
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Quote:
at this point I expect the unexpected and actually he's been txting me against the bail restrictions. I just don't answer.
You need to report that to the authorities. If he has bail restrictions and is violating them then you need to inform the appropriate people.

Quote:
I understand that anything can and will be used against me and actually dad I have talked to bio dad about support and him and I are going to go into agreement. We both understand that it is important that he pay. nobody is desputing this. He's willing to give me table amount based on his actual osdp
Good for you. As I mentioned in your other thread, that is not only fair, it's the right of your children for support. I'm glad that bio-dad is stepping up and doing what's right without being forced. Kudos to the two of you for making that work out. It helps your case for support from step dad. You WON'T see full table from him, but you will see something. (as your interim order has shown you already I do believe)


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this is not disputed. there have been domestic calls to our home in the past. On record and actually he spent one night in jail.
Good. Past history can play a factor.

Unfortunately I don't think anyone here can really give you the answers you are looking for in terms of what to expect. Criminal court is a whole different ball of wax. I wish I could tell you otherwise and give you the warm fuzzies, but facts are...it depends on how good his lawyer is, the severity of the charges, and whether he can play it correctly or not.
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Old 06-23-2010, 04:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rwatson View Post
at this point I expect the unexpected and actually he's been txting me against the bail restrictions. I just don't answer.
I understand that anything can and will be used against me and actually dad I have talked to bio dad about support and him and I are going to go into agreement. We both understand that it is important that he pay. nobody is desputing this. He's willing to give me table amount based on his actual osdp
this is not disputed. there have been domestic calls to our home in the past. On record and actually he spent one night in jail.
The outcome I would like to see will more than likely I assume be irrelevent. However I hardly think jail would make a difference. I didn't call to send the man to jail I just wanted it to stop. Im not here to play victim actually. I actually did take a lot of what was said to me into consideration in this forum. I do miss my husband, would like us to get the help we need to be a productive healthy family I also know by his txts that he misses me too but I strongly believe its for other reasons. It wasn't a case of him smaking me and then I called the police. However I thought if I changed the abuse would stop. I also had hopes that after all of this we would try to work things out. I did get married to him later in life for a reason. I also took my vows very seriously and did not go into this marriage with rose coloured glasses on.
And before anybody says you made your bed lie in it...... I agreed to marry him because we had gone through two years of good not bad. And the bad started really getting bad about 9 months ago. I have documented through the hospital the last time he beat me up, I did contact and put on record with the domestic shelter as I felt a need. Family as well was aware of the abuse and knew about it.
First, good for you that you left this abusive relationship. If you went to the hospital (as mentioned above) and contacted the domestic shelter is a good evidence. But like dadtotheend said he may bring this case to relate to family law issue. How long after the last assault was he arrested and charges were pressed? That may be important so he can't tie it to custody and support issue. If he was arrested the day he beat you up, your case would be much stronger. If you reported him much later then it may be more difficult but that is just my guess.

But like others said no one can predict the outcome. You said they already offered him a year of probation and counseling. A year of probation is a big thing so I assume he was more abusive than you said. On the other hand he believes he is right so only time will tell. (Although I don't see how can he be right if you even went to hospital)

One thing I believe is you should receive CS and SS. Can you receive any money for the abuse, emotional pain etc..I don't know.

Also, you mentioned you still love him. But choosing divorce over abusing relationship even though you still love him is better for you and for the kids.
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Old 06-23-2010, 06:45 AM
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I am not sure if the court will wonder why you waited until now to press charges for assaults that went back to 2001. He may try and tie it into the present CS thing as a previous poster said. They may just look at the most recent ones and drop the older ones. They may just put him on probation, give you a restraining order against him and get him to get anger management.

As on abused woman to another, I know something of what you went through. The mental munipulation, feelings of low self esteem etc. It is not really love you are still feeling for him, it is the way he has beaten you down. When my ex and I first split up I thought I still loved him also, with time and clarity comes honesty. He actually had me believeing that I was lucky he married me and that no one else would want me. Now I look back and realize that I deserved better then that (I have it now) and that he is the one who was lucky to have me. A wife who worked full time, looked after the house, paid half the bills and drove him around everywhere, in a car bought with my own money, because he didn't have a licence. He lost it due to impaired driving then driving while under suspension 4 times before I met him.

You will get stronger and life does get better. I know if I would have stayed with him I would be dead now either by him or by my own hand.
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Old 06-23-2010, 08:45 AM
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the last abuse was reported immediately. Years of threatening to telephone the police were falling on deaf ears and one can only threaten before your not believed. The abuse was getting much worse over the last 9 months of our relationship and when I called he was arrested on the spot and spent two days in jail before he was released on bail. Im not going to bother with phoning the police on the last txt. he's already in a heap of trouble. At the moment I just received an order for interm support for cs and ss. Money is a big control issue with him so it probably hurt him more than the thought of going to jail. I documented a lot with the hospital and the dv shelter the last time he beat me up and made sure there were witinesses to the bruises all over my body.

Im a bit scared to go to court for trial. this is why i asked what I should expect when having to go there. As well my/our children will have to testify. We haven't met with the crown as of yet although trial isn't for a couple of months
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Old 06-23-2010, 08:53 AM
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My father hit my mother numerous times over the years, probably 1 or 2 incidents a year, over the course of 15 years that I remember. My brother and sisters were older and we've talked about this a lot.

There is no blame for my mother for not leaving years earlier or not having him charged years earlier. It is absurd to blame someone in that situation. We are not all alike. No, I would not put up with physical abuse for a minute, but somehow I put up with verbal and emotional abuse for years, what does that make me?

None of us are perfect and my mother was not perfect and I do not require her to be perfect and I don't require her to have made 100% correct decisions in her life. It took me years to realize that, but I did. Being in a bad situation leads to depression, and the first thing depressions shuts off is your intitiative, creativity and decision making.

rwatson, you are out now and taking steps to rebuild your life and that is what you should do. What happened in the past is past, no one should blame you for not charging him and leaving him immediately. It maybe wasn't the best decision, but not one of us here made 100% perfect decisions in our lives, otherwise we wouldn't be divorcing.
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Old 06-23-2010, 09:35 AM
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I too had a very abusive father that was also an alcholic, i remember being afraid to have friends over because i didn't know what mood he would be in. My mother suffered horribly, she died very young and to this day, i am almost 40, i do not speak to my dad. I am very happy you are moving on, but be strong for your kids, they will always be there for you. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do anything, you can and will. Utilize the supports available in the community.
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