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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #81 (permalink)  
Old 06-12-2014, 10:23 AM
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Reading the comments all the people cared about were how this article implied women should get married for safety and nothing about the risk of children in divorce households. I have to say, the feminist anti-child movement is alive and kicking.
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  #82 (permalink)  
Old 06-12-2014, 11:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
Reading the comments all the people cared about were how this article implied women should get married for safety and nothing about the risk of children in divorce households. I have to say, the feminist anti-child movement is alive and kicking.
This to me is a very relevent paragraph:

"For women, part of the story is about what social scientists call a “selection effect,” namely, women in healthy, safe relationships are more likely to select into marriage, and women in unhealthy, unsafe relationships often lack the power to demand marriage or the desire to marry. Of course, women in high conflict marriages are more likely to select into divorce."

That suggests that it isn't marriage that is the determining factor, but stable healthy relationships more oten end up as marriages.
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  #83 (permalink)  
Old 07-06-2014, 12:32 PM
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To the OP. It's not always statistics that are useful as they change and evolve over time as society does. Being informed about the subject to the best of your ability can be helpful to address some of your concerns, or they can compound them.

I suggest meeting with your ex and her new partner over coffee to judge for yourself if he can at all be trustworthy. Bring a witness with you and ask to record the conversation to protect all involved. Offer to provide a copy of the recording so that you are all on the same footing.

Focus on the kids (but if anyone has to be told this and it doesn't come naturally, I question the astounding "claims" on this board they're a great parent IMHO).

This would work in your favour "legally" as the stand-up parent if it goes down that road but, mostly, it would be in the best interests of the kid(s) so that they don't feel the pressure of your questions as the "concern" compounds.
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  #84 (permalink)  
Old 07-06-2014, 12:52 PM
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That is not a good idea. Links may not like it, but he cannot judge and her choice. Interesting that he would state few posts earlier that he does not trust her judgement. But at some point she chose him, so was her judgement wrong then.

Through all the hate ex's have for each other, at some point they did love each other and decided to procreate and their wonderful child/ children were the result. So unless one of,the parents has become unfit through serious mental illness or addictions IMO ex's do not have the right to judge each others choice.

You could, suggest some joint activities, such as child's birthday party where both parents and their partners attend and be friendly but thats not always happening.
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  #85 (permalink)  
Old 07-06-2014, 01:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachnana View Post
That is not a good idea. Links may not like it, but he cannot judge and her choice. Interesting that he would state few posts earlier that he does not trust her judgement. But at some point she chose him, so was her judgement wrong then.

Through all the hate ex's have for each other, at some point they did love each other and decided to procreate and their wonderful child/ children were the result. So unless one of,the parents has become unfit through serious mental illness or addictions IMO ex's do not have the right to judge each others choice.

You could, suggest some joint activities, such as child's birthday party where both parents and their partners attend and be friendly but thats not always happening.
Yes, the direction I was going to take this. A "first meeting" over coffee would be most appropriate. A guideline can be etched out at this meeting, details for shared activities between mom and dad (and step dad on occasion) in comfortable settings. If this can be had, the children can relax and not worry about having to choose sides. The ideal next step.

It takes a lot of work to get there though.

Not trusting the ex is personal. It doesn't come across as "real concern" about the kids' safety, especially if the children do not appear / behave any different aside from adjusting to the introduction of the new step-parent.

Learning statistics about "potential" dangers of abuse is one thing. Leaping to any assumption without a basis from lack of trusting ex is very different.

So, help out the OP if you have any statistics. I would hope it doesn't compound the concern to the point of blinding what's really best for kids.
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  #86 (permalink)  
Old 07-06-2014, 01:09 PM
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BTW, I have been reading this board off and on for a short while. Meaning, I do not know Links' history with family law so my suggestion is more general than directed at Links.

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  #87 (permalink)  
Old 07-06-2014, 01:15 PM
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Statistics can be read in so many ways.

The bottom line is you have to learn to trust your ex's choice in partner. You have to assume they love your children just as you do and you have to learn to move on.

In a perfect " ex" relationship you will be able to attend joint occasions for the children. Birthday parties, family events, school events or varying degrees of these milestones in a child's life.

All parents should be striving towards this. Interesting that even in some intact families there is conflict with parents attending their spouses family or work events. We had a work related party and several of the guests came without spouses and told me " oh my wife/husband never comes to anything with my friends or work colleagues" and in one case he said his wife " hates his family and refuses to go to anything"

So to assume that ex's can move into amicable relationships is a huge deal and takes some pretty mature people.
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  #88 (permalink)  
Old 07-06-2014, 01:24 PM
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The OP's maturity and ability to focus directly on the kids without implicating other parties as a "problem" (without merit) would be in everyone's best interests, including his own.

But he wants statistics as a bit of background. No harm in reading up on that information if he wants to use his time that way. Preferably, he would try to secure an understanding with his ex and new partner to help the children transition into their new family structure.
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  #89 (permalink)  
Old 07-06-2014, 01:35 PM
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Hmm, no I read OP as using statistics to justify objections to Mom's choice of partner and to worry about " what might happen".

I think it must be a terrifying experience for Any Mother or Father to see their child living with another person other than themselves.

I am sure, and many posters on this forum have discussed the conflicts that arise, deep down all parents fear being replaced and many step parents never have the intention to replace but to compliment the family dynamics.

Not a great situation for adults to deal with, so imagine how the Children must struggle if both sides pull.
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  #90 (permalink)  
Old 07-06-2014, 01:49 PM
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Precisely my point. It's personal. Not "really" for the kids.

So let him look up the statistics. Everyone has their own "emotional" process and tend to seek ways to justify their fears through family law. If OP makes this mistake, and we don't know that he will, then he will be a better person afterwards (provided he is self-aware enough to get to that point).

Best case scenario, he may realize at some point that his time could've been better used elsewhere.

No need for this attack on him. I find it's quite common on this board and I can see how easily most relationships with exes are hostile, just from reading what's on this board and its members dealing with other members.
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