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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #51 (permalink)  
Old 03-19-2014, 05:45 PM
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So, Links - if someone shows you a study that tells you that your daughter could be potentially sexually abused by her brother, do you decide that they can't be in the same room anymore? Because you've acknowledged just how prevalent that is, yet, you only remark that it's sad. You've dismissed it as statistically possible. But, the ex has a "new man in her life", so you're all about the risk to your daughter.

And, if you're serious about the "bringing male prostitutes over to the house", then I gotta wonder why you chose to have children with someone you think so lowly of? And if that person is a risk to the child, why does that person have any custody whatsoever?

Just listen to yourself......"if the ex brings" "if they aren't prostitutes but"....it's a pile of "ifs".
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  #52 (permalink)  
Old 03-19-2014, 05:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MS Mom View Post
So, Links - if someone shows you a study that tells you that your daughter could be potentially sexually abused by her brother, do you decide that they can't be in the same room anymore? Because you've acknowledged just how prevalent that is, yet, you only remark that it's sad. You've dismissed it as statistically possible. But, the ex has a "new man in her life", so you're all about the risk to your daughter.
What are you smoking?
Firstly, my kids do have different rooms, shower at different times in respect to the sort of personal space they each need - me any my ex agree on that.

Secondly, this is about HOW common - not IF. I don't have the specific stat for brothers but if it was 50%+ I would speak to my son about boundaries and stuff more seriously but NO - I wouldn't say they can't be in the same room together. Even in this case with the step-father risk - my conclusion is that the risk is high but I can mitigate it by being involved and educating my kids. The threat of a slow death for somebody who hurts my kids will seal the deal.


Quote:
And, if you're serious about the "bringing male prostitutes over to the house", then I gotta wonder why you chose to have children with someone you think so lowly of? And if that person is a risk to the child, why does that person have any custody whatsoever?

Just listen to yourself......"if the ex brings" "if they aren't prostitutes but"....it's a pile of "ifs".
It was tongue-in-cheek, the point was that she brings RANDOM GUY X to live with my kids, what is the risk?

Secondly, people change - my ex included. I am not going to be bind all my decisions to the fact that I previously at one point decided to marry her. Thats like saying to a divorcing person"If you don't like him how come you married him - you're not allowed to divorce".
I'm allowed to say she changed and make my decisions accordinly.

Last edited by Links17; 03-19-2014 at 05:56 PM.
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  #53 (permalink)  
Old 03-19-2014, 05:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
What are you smoking?
Firstly, my kids do have different rooms, shower at different times in respect to the sort of personal space they each need - me any my ex agree on that.

Secondly, this is about HOW common - not IF. I don't have the specific stat for brothers but if it was 50%+ I would speak to my son about boundaries and stuff more seriously but NO - I wouldn't say they can be in the same room together.



It was tongue-in-cheek, the point was that she brings RANDOM GUY X to live with my kids, what is the risk?

Secondly, people change - my ex included. I am not going to be bind all my decisions to the fact that I previously at one point decided to marry her. Thats like saying "If you don't like him how come you married him".
I'm allowed to say she changed and make my decisions accordinly.
Of course the kids are in separate rooms so that will never happen right?

Does the potential stepdad share the same room as the daughter?
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Old 03-19-2014, 05:58 PM
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Of course the kids are in separate rooms so that will never happen right?

Does the potential stepdad share the same room as the daughter?
Its called mitigation - you do what you reasonably can.

No, but a step-dad has less biological disencentive and assaults by stepdads are more serious (things you'd know if you read anything I posted).
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  #55 (permalink)  
Old 03-19-2014, 06:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
What are you smoking?

Secondly, this is about HOW common - not IF. I don't have the specific stat for brothers but if it was 50%+ I would speak to my son about boundaries and stuff more seriously but NO - I wouldn't say they can't be in the same room together.
You don't know the stat - but would do something if the stat stated a specific number.

How do you know to have that chat with him or not then?
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  #56 (permalink)  
Old 03-19-2014, 06:18 PM
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No, she is 5 - I am just going to let her know what NOBODY should touch her in a way other than mommy or dadd touch her (i.e: her private parts) etc... and if she is ever not sure sure can speak to me about it so we can work it out.
I actually am a little disturbed by this... I have a 5 year old step daughter, she is capable of cleaning herself, including her private parts. The only thing her Dad or usually I help her with is making sure all the soap is out of her hair.
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Old 03-19-2014, 06:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
Post me a proof.


I agree can't trust the way stats are presented.
Noted, going to look into it specifically for the quotes I posted eventually depending on the proofs you post.

Proof of what?

I can't "prove" that most stepfathers do not abuse their kids in a statistically significant fashion because you can't count things that don't happen (non-occurrences of abuse, in this case). Students attempt to do this all the time - prove a negative hypothesis, or a "null" hypothesis - and then get perturbed when it doesn't work out.

Similarly, I can't prove that most Canadians do not eat their pets, or that UFOs are unlikely to land in the Bay of Fundy.

If you are concerned that stepfathers are abusing kids, the burden of proof is on you to find evidence which "rejects the null" - evidence that these hypothesized occurrences are actually happening, and happening at a rate which exceeds that which could be attributed to chance (statistical significance).

I would love to see basic literacy in statistics and probability be incorporated into high school - nothing fancy, just concepts like validity, bias, sampling, or statistical significance, or how to tell a well-constructed study from a poorly-constructed one. Far too many people are running around out there who think that "research" means typing a few words into Google and then cherry-picking quotes which support their preconceived notions.
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  #58 (permalink)  
Old 03-19-2014, 06:40 PM
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I actually am a little disturbed by this... I have a 5 year old step daughter, she is capable of cleaning herself, including her private parts. The only thing her Dad or usually I help her with is making sure all the soap is out of her hair.
I agree. It sort of echoes what I was saying earlier about why he's obsessing over this crap.....Creepy.
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  #59 (permalink)  
Old 03-19-2014, 07:12 PM
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relax I don't touch my D5 private parts , my point is that nobody should do anything with her that we don't do (ie we don't touch her private parts so nobodyh esle should)

Stripes - its not the same. I am asking you to find me an analysis/study showing the risks if any of step parents, the study would show there is no risk.
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  #60 (permalink)  
Old 03-19-2014, 07:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
I actually am a little disturbed by this... I have a 5 year old step daughter, she is capable of cleaning herself, including her private parts. The only thing her Dad or usually I help her with is making sure all the soap is out of her hair.
I thought the SAME THING! I have always told kidlet, if ANYONE, dad, grandpa, grandma, whomever, touched you in a way you were uncomfortable or didn't want to be touched, tell me and ask questions!

ETA: I don't eat my pets, and I tell them the same as above ^^.. if anyone touches you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, come to me.

and, further ETA: btw, I sorta get where Links is coming from. But without the paranoia.

Being self-aware, knowing the circumstances in which you may find yourself, are wise words to any young child/ adult.. I'm re-affirming this now to kidlet, who is out at university. But I am more focusing on awareness, and not random accusations of guilt by your physical attributes.

Last edited by mcdreamy; 03-19-2014 at 07:51 PM.
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