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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #31 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2014, 02:12 AM
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"When my kids are with my ex he can do whatever he likes" and then you find your kids dead in a ditch and say "Oh, I should have been more careful"
My ex is my children's father. He is responsible for them when he is in their care. With regard to our minor child, he has the legal right and responsibility to determine what is in my child's best interest during his access time. If I suspect anything that borders on abusive behavior...I will deal with it accordingly as it presents itself...otherwise, I have ZERO right to interfere with his parenting of our child or who he determines is appropriate to have around our child.

The same is true of your ex. I find it highly amusing that you think you have any right to determine who your ex has around your children. You don't and if you keep going don't that road, you'll continue on your path to becoming increasingly more frustrated and bitter. I don't believe for one second that this is about you protecting your children. Its about your feelings of loss of control and your boundary issues.

The truth is that you live under the assumption that the court was wrong when it determined that your ex was competent to be a parent and so you're still trying to find justification to interfere with and influence that decision. The bottom line is that you can't. She is the children's mother and has every legal right afforded that role. You need to accept that or you'll continue in this unhealthy direction.

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I have 2 sets of cousins that went through divorce 3/4 of the kids are pretty messed - one almost died from drug related issue, one was thrown in jail, one has other "weird" issues and only one is normal.
The platitude that "The Kids will be fine" is BS told to divorcing parents to make them feel like they arent wrecking their kids lives but thats not the truth.
Irrelevant. There are plenty of kids from intact, married families that have similar issues. Dysfunction happens in a variety of families...not just divorced households. And the main precursor of a child who's emotionally healthy after divorce is how their parents handle the divorce. Having a paranoid, helicopter parent who sees every new male in their child's life as a statistically probable child molestor is not only creepy, it can't bode well for a child's long term well being.

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My kids are worth my paranoia, worth my life, worth my time and worth my investigation - if I have to call into question every single aspect of divorce, family law, custody, child support etc.... for them and in some cases for myself then I will do it, if you don't like it then don't sign up to my fan club. I don't care if parliament though child support should be this and spousal support should be that - I'll question this and question that - you can keep your blinders on and pursue happiness.
Do whatever you want with your life. You'll be ineffective at trying to control your ex and what she does as a parent and will become increasingly more frustrated and resort to even wilder arguments to support your so-called "cause" to protect your children. She'll go on with life and you'll continue to be stuck and unable to move on. It will eventually affect your relationship with your children too.

I find it highly amusing that you think that getting divorced is just about the person deciding to do it. One of the main reasons I got divorced was to improve the quality of life for my children. They lived in a very broken home with parents that didn't care about each other and were too distracted to parent effectively. While I couldn't fix my ex, I could fix that and did and as a result, today I have highly successful, well-adjusted children. Insulting people who determine that divorce is the best course of action for themselves and their children is a constant theme with you.

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You keep insulting me, and it makes me thing you are the one the problems. I'm VERY happy to have gotten out of marriage with SAHM 5 years in, ask the long-term SAHM on this forum how much their ex-husbands are paying them for how many years, i feel like i struck the lottery!
Its good that you're happy to be divorced...clearly your ex feels the same way.

It wasn't an insult to suggest that you need some help. I simply find your obsession over child molestation extremely disturbing. You've had this type of thread before (ie. the "Lolita book thread). I found your comments very odd then and find this thread equally strange. By all means, if you have some indications that your child is being abused, then you should investigate. But to assume that all male step-parents and that you should take some pre-emptive action regarding your ex's personal life is ridiculous. Parents have to be vigilant to a variety of threats that children face in life but your fixation strikes me as abnormal.
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  #32 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2014, 07:32 AM
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could it be he was molested in the past and that is coming to the surface now??? I know a woman who was and as she grew older and had her own kids she thought everyone was out to molest them. Now with grandchildren she still thinks the parents friends are going to molest the grandchildren.

In order to believe what the poster is saying I would need more current reliable studies. Like PH said, if you follow this study, and the OPs logic, then no single fathers should get any sort of unsupervised visitation due to the fact they may molest their kids.

Last edited by standing on the sidelines; 03-18-2014 at 07:38 AM.
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  #33 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2014, 12:18 PM
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I wasn't molested, my ex was (which is another risk factor). I don't THINK my kids are going to be molested, I know see that statistically it is something I need to be wary of.

My point is that this issue is ONE risk factor/concern out of many in custody disputes. I think it makes people uncomfortable to even consider the possibility of it so they don't want to discuss it. The reality is that as parents, we should know its a risk and in fact it is an INCREASED risk (significantly) not ACCORDING to me but according to surveys and studies. I have no experience with molestation and I'm just at the start of the divorce journey.

You need to STOP twisting my words. I've never once said I should/can have a SAY over what my ex does. My ex can do EXACTLY as she pleases - its her life. I can't emphasize this enough but If I thought somebody SPECIFIC was a threat to my daughter I would act upon it but I would need SPECIFIC proof on the topic (not just statistical possibility).

I'm on a forum sharing my concerns with other people in similar situations to get their opinions on matters. I might be a little left, or a little right of the center on topics and I RECOGNIZE that so I appreciate the useful feedback.

I haven't filed a motion or made a restraining order or anything like that, I've had some internal concerns and I've shared them with others here anonymously - relax.

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In order to believe what the poster is saying I would need more current reliable studies. Like PH said, if you follow this study, and the OPs logic, then no single fathers should get any sort of unsupervised visitation due to the fact they may molest their kids.
Its not black/white - the point is that it is a RISK factor, a consideration, a possibility and in my personal situation as is right now it would even weigh AGAINST me. As I mentionned before I would sya generally the 2000 report is recent enough (others with expertise might want to chime in). I believe older studies are used to justify other things in family law.

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Parents have to be vigilant to a variety of threats that children face in life but your fixation strikes me as abnormal.
Exactly, the question is how vigilant? Apparently quite vigilant because of the frequency. I'm less vigilant about alien abduction because divorce doesn;t increase the chance of that and its rare.



The KEY takeway /actionable item I got out of my research is that you you need to recognize the INCREASED risks, signs AND be very wary. It's no good to act AFTER the fact - put in place the safeguards/education to prevent it.

Last edited by Links17; 03-18-2014 at 12:24 PM.
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  #34 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2014, 01:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
I wasn't molested, my ex was (which is another risk factor). I don't THINK my kids are going to be molested, I know see that statistically it is something I need to be wary of.

My point is that this issue is ONE risk factor/concern out of many in custody disputes. I think it makes people uncomfortable to even consider the possibility of it so they don't want to discuss it. The reality is that as parents, we should know its a risk and in fact it is an INCREASED risk (significantly) not ACCORDING to me but according to surveys and studies. I have no experience with molestation and I'm just at the start of the divorce journey.

You need to STOP twisting my words. I've never once said I should/can have a SAY over what my ex does. My ex can do EXACTLY as she pleases - its her life. I can't emphasize this enough but If I thought somebody SPECIFIC was a threat to my daughter I would act upon it but I would need SPECIFIC proof on the topic (not just statistical possibility).

I'm on a forum sharing my concerns with other people in similar situations to get their opinions on matters. I might be a little left, or a little right of the center on topics and I RECOGNIZE that so I appreciate the useful feedback.

I haven't filed a motion or made a restraining order or anything like that, I've had some internal concerns and I've shared them with others here anonymously - relax.

Its not black/white - the point is that it is a RISK factor, a consideration, a possibility and in my personal situation as is right now it would even weigh AGAINST me. As I mentionned before I would sya generally the 2000 report is recent enough (others with expertise might want to chime in). I believe older studies are used to justify other things in family law.


Exactly, the question is how vigilant? Apparently quite vigilant because of the frequency. I'm less vigilant about alien abduction because divorce doesn;t increase the chance of that and its rare.



The KEY takeway /actionable item I got out of my research is that you you need to recognize the INCREASED risks, signs AND be very wary. It's no good to act AFTER the fact - put in place the safeguards/education to prevent it.
Taking a country drive in a 1970s beetle is statistically more likely to harm children. Getting hit by a bus is statistically more likely. Dying from a reaction to medication is statistically more likely.

I'm with PH....I find this discussion creepy. My ex obsessed over the exact same things when we first split and my daughter was only 3 years old. I've come to realize that this obsession was about HIM, not my history, the step father or my daughter. I've drawn my own conclusions on him; and my conclusion is that he obsessed over that because he obsesses over sex. I won't say he's a sex addict - because I'm of the opinion that that term is a complete and total copout - a way to excuse the dysfunctional behavior. Both other mom and I were surprised when we realized that both of us thought there is something "sexually inappropriate" about him.

Last edited by MS Mom; 03-18-2014 at 01:22 PM.
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  #35 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2014, 01:59 PM
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Its not fair to make assumptions about something that may or may not happen or about someone you dont know. My partners ex has accused me of being dangerous or unhealthy around her kids and ive spent a grand total of three days with them (theyre also teenagers btw). The irony is that im the one saying to him that the waythe two of them act isnt healthy for the kids and their fighting about who they spend time with just upsets the kids. Sure it sucks that you cant control what happens when theyre not with you but thats also true of any situation. Schools, churches, sports teams have all had abuse issues. At some point you have to trust your ex to do whats best for their child too. If you spend all your time assuming something bad is going to happen, youll end up brushing that fear and anxiety off on the kids making it difficult for them to have a healthy relationship with their other parent.


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  #36 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2014, 02:59 PM
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Taking a country drive in a 1970s beetle is statistically more likely to harm children. Getting hit by a bus is statistically more likely. Dying from a reaction to medication is statistically more likely.
WTF are you talking about - did you even read the document?
If you post on this thread without reading the document you're a troll.
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  #37 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2014, 03:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
WTF are you talking about - did you even read the document?
If you post on this thread without reading the document you're a troll.
I've been a pollster and I did take statistics in University.

I know the stats are old, but I trust StatsCan's methodologies. They don't have an agenda, aren't trying to get funding by sensationalizing their findings.

They report that in 2007 there were 24,200 sexual assaults reported to police in Canada. That would be less than one in one thousand per population. They do suggest most assualts got unreported. They also suggest that the assaulter was known to the victim, as in friends or family in about 1/3 of those cases. So the number of cases reported to the police where the accused was a parent is very low, about 10% of the total. And they mention the high risk factors as age, and number of activities in the evening and outside the home.

http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/85f0033...008019-eng.pdf
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  #38 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2014, 04:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
WTF are you talking about - did you even read the document?
If you post on this thread without reading the document you're a troll.
I did read it. I'm entitled to an opinion just like you.

My ex has the same hyperbolic response to everything - you even use the same BS excuse he used - the kid is more likely to be sexually abused because mom was. Same thinking pattern - it's scary really.

It will always be statistically possible for something to happen. That doesn't make it statistically likely.
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  #39 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2014, 06:12 PM
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My ex was molested from the age of 4-10 by his own Father, in his own home and his parents were together at the time.

Her led a pretty normal life even though he went through what he did. The only thing I will comment on was he was not overly sexual like a lot of men are. He was just as content with sitting on the couch doing nothing, as I was. During our marriage we were lucky if we had sex twice a month, but that worked for us. We had our children and when we went our separate ways, I eventually found a new partner. Not once did he even question me about my partner because he knew the type of person I was.

I feel that if you have such great concerns, the concerns shouldn't be what your ex is like, your concerns should be about why you had children with someone you don't feel is a suitable parent. If you have all these negative views of your ex and their parenting ability, you need to take a good long look at yourself and ask yourself why they were good enough to have children with, but now all the sudden they are not good enough to protect those children. The problem is with you and your concerns, not with your ex and her new partner.
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Old 03-18-2014, 07:34 PM
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Some leading causes of death among children are car accidents and drowning. Do we never take them anywhere in a car? Do we never let them near water ever? No, we buckle them up properly in a carseat and we teach them to swim and we remain vigilant.

I would also keep in mind that when you go looking for statistics for a topic you are concerned about, you are more likely to find it. Confirmation bias. Child sexual abuse is not as common as you fear. It's just talked about a lot these days. One horror story makes the rounds of the news and social media a lot faster today than a small newspaper article and bridge club gossip did when we were all children. Incidences are actually down for most childhood dangers.
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