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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2014, 06:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
Step-Parents have SIGNIFICANTLY more access to the step children than anybody else. I scrutinize people based on the alone time they have with my kids none of those others do - and if they needed to I'd adjust my concern level accordingly.

My daughter, might be living half the time with another man from the age of 5-18yrs old. He will access to her for 13 years. I will scrutinize him as much as I need to based on that and if I'm not I will jump and scream.
My intuition tells me that this is a recipe for disaster but I don't function on unvalidated intuition,

I AM going to be concerned and I AM going to care. I frankly don't care if it doesn't make people comfortable or it isn't social convention.

Everybody screams sexual assault stats left-right and center, and I am trying to assess the potential risk (is it 1%, 5%, 50%, 100%) etc.....

I don't trust my ex-wife's judgement very much and her low self-esteem and other issues don't give me the confidence she would take appropriate action, I can see her being the type to deny it, support the guy etc.... That's a personal judgement call based on her personality. I wouldnt say that about other women.

I don't mind having a good opinion about people in any other instance but when it comes to my kids, I am cautious and prefer to play it safe. That's what Dads are for. I and my ex DO talk to the kids about appropriate touching and what-not and we set boundaries but I am working all the angles.

I think what makes people here uncomfortable is that I am question all your current and future relationships, and nobody likes that. This is Divorce, This is life, make the BEST of it but keep your eyes open.
So is it safe to assume that because you spend a lot of time with your daughter, your ex can assume you will sexually abuse her too?

Going by your logic, those who spend the most time with the children are the ones who do the majority of the abuse. And in reality, most children spend way more time with teachers and peers than they do with parents.

Last edited by Berner_Faith; 03-14-2014 at 06:27 PM. Reason: typo
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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2014, 06:40 PM
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The prevalence and seriousness of incestuou... [Child Abuse Negl. 1984] - PubMed - NCBI
This is actually an OFT quoted well-respected study (it seems) I am looking for the full study and it is by a feminist. That study is one of the ones I am trying to debunk or corroborate.


Quote:
So is it safe to assume that because you spend a lot of time with your daughter, your ex can assume you will sexually abuse her too?

Going by your logic, those who spend the most time with the children are the ones who do the majority of the abuse. And in reality, most children spend way more time with teachers and peers than they do with parents.
-I am not ASSUMING
- I am assessing risk
-Those who have ALONE time access are the ones I am worried about.
-I'm happy for my ex to question me, shows she is still looking out for the kids.

-I can't NOT send my kids to school
-I can't choose who/what my ex does
-I CAN modify custody based on the my ex's living arrangements. If I can prove that over time there is a 25% risk of sexual abuse then that should be meaningful (or should it?).
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Old 03-14-2014, 06:59 PM
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You are welcome to home school... public or private school is not required by law.

I would like you to show me some case law that custody was changed based on assumption. You can call it 'risk' but it is actually an assumption on your part. So to answer your question, no you can't modify custody based on a possible assumption (risk)

Please find the statistics showing the amount of children sexually abused by their own parents. Is it safe to say your ex can modify custody because you are a risk to your child?
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  #24 (permalink)  
Old 03-15-2014, 12:43 AM
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http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.c...ract_id=239434

^This is what I was looking for, how bleak.
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Old 03-15-2014, 12:15 PM
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The paper is from 2000. Is there any research since then that confirms or disproves the results?

Personally, I think the increased risk is probably due to underlying causes, not the new partner. Relationships often breakdown because of personality disorders or incompatible libidos or communication difficulties. The breakup doesn't solve those issues - they simply carry over into a new relationship. So a mother who isn't good at sustaining one relationship is likely going to have a difficult time maintaining a subsequent relationship. That stressful environment affects the ability of the daughter to confide in her mother and also the judgement of the new partner.

There's no alternative but to not let people with children, especially daughters, get into new relationships, or even separate at all. That's completely unreasonable.

I admit I didn't take the time to read the whole paper, but I wonder how much exploration into the causes of child sexual abuse was done? In my anecdotal experience in the treatment of sex offenders, stepdaughter abuse usually occurs in an environment in which the birth father is not involved and the girl is frequently left in the care of the stepfather while the mother is absent. The girl is also not taught sufficient sex education and isolated from friends and other family members.

The best way to deal with your issue here is the same as with many other issues. Equal access is in the best interests of the children.
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Old 03-15-2014, 02:51 PM
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I really recommend everybody read the paper. It ISN't a long read but it has so many foot notes pages are like 1/4 length.

I'll summarize a bit:
-Serious increased risk for girls for sexual abuse in either sole custody situation. Divorce is the cause and there doesn't statistically seem to be anything to reduce it.
-Mother's boyfriends (etc..) are a major risk
-Single Fathers also a single risk, a woman in the house reduces the risk (father remarriage)
-Joint Custody - a present involved non-residential father was suggested as a solution
-Doesn't discuss shared residency much
-Education/Knowledge of the increased risk can prob curb it
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Old 03-17-2014, 08:06 PM
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Let's just call a spade a spade.

What this really is about is an angry, bitter, control-freak that has lost the ability to tell his ex what to do. She's with a new guy...who she's clearly happy with and will blend her family as she sees fit.

Links, you can try to control that all you want but she'll decide who and when comes around the children when they're in her care....you have zero power or control over the situation. She is their mother...she has been granted a certain amount of access and custody....and her judgement is more important than yours when the children are in her possession.

Bottom line...your opinions are based on your own insecurity over your loss of control and you need to seek therapy because this is a recurring theme with you. You have zero right to pre-judge anyone and no court will support you in this matter because its pure nonsense. For instance, if you're too mentally instable to see the difference between an insurance premium and labelling someone as a sex offender before they commit a crime, you need medication. By that logic, fathers molest their children more than mothers do so that should be a factor in custody decisions.

What is really disturbing is the amount of time you obsess of sexual molestation...it actually creeps me out. Frankly, I think you have something wrong with you to obsess over this subject matter as much as you do. It might be a good thing for the children to spend some time with the influence of other male role models. Bottom line...your ex will do whatever the hell she pleases with whoever the hell she pleases...and when she has the kids...she'll decide who's in their company.

Get a life and get over it.
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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 03-17-2014, 10:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
Let's just call a spade a spade.

What this really is about is an angry, bitter, control-freak that has lost the ability to tell his ex what to do. She's with a new guy...who she's clearly happy with and will blend her family as she sees fit.

Links, you can try to control that all you want but she'll decide who and when comes around the children when they're in her care....you have zero power or control over the situation. She is their mother...she has been granted a certain amount of access and custody....and her judgement is more important than yours when the children are in her possession.

Bottom line...your opinions are based on your own insecurity over your loss of control and you need to seek therapy because this is a recurring theme with you. You have zero right to pre-judge anyone and no court will support you in this matter because its pure nonsense. For instance, if you're too mentally instable to see the difference between an insurance premium and labelling someone as a sex offender before they commit a crime, you need medication. By that logic, fathers molest their children more than mothers do so that should be a factor in custody decisions.

What is really disturbing is the amount of time you obsess of sexual molestation...it actually creeps me out. Frankly, I think you have something wrong with you to obsess over this subject matter as much as you do. It might be a good thing for the children to spend some time with the influence of other male role models. Bottom line...your ex will do whatever the hell she pleases with whoever the hell she pleases...and when she has the kids...she'll decide who's in their company.

Get a life and get over it.
You're quite rude, out of line I would say but I guess unless you call me an official "word" like asshole or something it's all good....

My opinions are based on information and research, instead of attacking me and my insecurities attack the document I just posted. I don't accept anything on face value, I investigate anything that impacts something as important as my kids. You might say sure "When my kids are with my ex he can do whatever he likes" and then you find your kids dead in a ditch and say "Oh, I should have been more careful"

I have 2 sets of cousins that went through divorce 3/4 of the kids are pretty messed - one almost died from drug related issue, one was thrown in jail, one has other "weird" issues and only one is normal.
The platitude that "The Kids will be fine" is BS told to divorcing parents to make them feel like they arent wrecking their kids lives but thats not the truth.

The truth when you divorce unless there are SERIOUS reasons - you are choosing yourself over your kids - which is OK (in this society) but that comes with consequences and this is one of them as the RESEARCH shows.

My kids are worth my paranoia, worth my life, worth my time and worth my investigation - if I have to call into question every single aspect of divorce, family law, custody, child support etc.... for them and in some cases for myself then I will do it, if you don't like it then don't sign up to my fan club. I don't care if parliament though child support should be this and spousal support should be that - I'll question this and question that - you can keep your blinders on and pursue happiness.

I always keep an open mind and while the research DID confirm what I thought it actually showed that fathers molest quite a bit though not as much (didn't expect to see that) - I am trying to process that and see if I should do anything about it.

You keep insulting me, and it makes me thing you are the one the problems. I'm VERY happy to have gotten out of marriage with SAHM 5 years in, ask the long-term SAHM on this forum how much their ex-husbands are paying them for how many years, i feel like i struck the lottery!

Now she has to bust her ass to support herself and her kids just like me and I don't have to endure the politically correct BS that being a SAHM to in-school kids is as hard as working ( I don't believe it - sorry SAHMs). Believe me, for myself I'm very lucky - its my kids I am concerned about.

I don't even understand people who want "control" life is hard enough as it is why the hell would you want to micromanage other people's lives.

Final advice: don't be troll if you don't have something useful to post then hit delete.
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 03-17-2014, 11:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
The paper is from 2000. Is there any research since then that confirms or disproves the results?

Personally, I think the increased risk is probably due to underlying causes, not the new partner. Relationships often breakdown because of personality disorders or incompatible libidos or communication difficulties. The breakup doesn't solve those issues - they simply carry over into a new relationship. So a mother who isn't good at sustaining one relationship is likely going to have a difficult time maintaining a subsequent relationship. That stressful environment affects the ability of the daughter to confide in her mother and also the judgement of the new partner.

There's no alternative but to not let people with children, especially daughters, get into new relationships, or even separate at all. That's completely unreasonable.

I admit I didn't take the time to read the whole paper, but I wonder how much exploration into the causes of child sexual abuse was done? In my anecdotal experience in the treatment of sex offenders, stepdaughter abuse usually occurs in an environment in which the birth father is not involved and the girl is frequently left in the care of the stepfather while the mother is absent. The girl is also not taught sufficient sex education and isolated from friends and other family members.

The best way to deal with your issue here is the same as with many other issues. Equal access is in the best interests of the children.
2000 is fairly recent for these type of things, I didnt look into every footnote but I am sure the sources go back to the 80s.

I agree with a lot of you say and what DTD mentionnned before "So what" - we can't say don't let women get remarried/

I think the key thing is that the ex-wives have to be paranoid though - it seems. The key thing is ALONE access and EDUCATION and.

I appreciate your response unlike some OTHERS!!!

Quote:
In my anecdotal experience in the treatment of sex offenders, stepdaughter abuse usually occurs in an environment in which the birth father is not involved and the girl is frequently left in the care of the stepfather while the mother is absent. The girl is also not taught sufficient sex education and isolated from friends and other family members.
So you're a professional in the field, what is your general feeling in relation to this thread?
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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 03-18-2014, 12:15 AM
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So you're a professional in the field, what is your general feeling in relation to this thread?
Bunch of stuff about child sexual abuse was here, but I decided to send a PM instead.

Last edited by Rioe; 03-18-2014 at 12:16 AM. Reason: decided to send a PM instead
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