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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2014, 01:22 PM
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How children do after divorce is largely a function of how their parents handle the divorce and following outcomes..ie the children of a bitter, angry, misogynist who constantly shows disdain towards their mother, her new partner and women in general will probably have a harder time adjusting.

And why would the courts care about a higher probability of abuse by step-parents??? The courts care when a crime has been committed and only then. I'm interracial and black people statistically commit more crimes ...does that mean the court should pre-judge me a criminal? Or should it affect my custody outcome because my ex is white???

The very idea of prejudgment based on a statistic is offensive. And you only bring it up because..as per usual...you're pissed that your ex has a new partner and is free from you to do as she pleases.
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2014, 01:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
The very idea of prejudgment based on a statistic is offensive. And you only bring it up because..as per usual...you're pissed that your ex has a new partner and is free from you to do as she pleases.
PH:

"Ears are a wasted appendage on him. He hears, but does not listen." - Justice Quinn

...and...

"Too many litigants hijack Family Court, squandering valuable and diminishing resources in the process. Anyone can walk into a court house and frivolously start or defend a proceeding that, like a runaway train, is difficult to halt in a timely manner and not before damage is done." - Justice Quinn

Good Luck!
Tayken
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Old 03-14-2014, 02:53 PM
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I am going to give it from a step parents point of view.

If a bio-mom or Dad tells the kids to clean their room, or takes a toy away or whatever, it is a normal part of parenting. If a step parent does this, some children take it as they are being "mean" and not treating them fairly.

What constitutes abuse in your eyes Links? Verbal? Sexual? Physical? Mental? Is a step parent verbally abusive because they verbally reprimand a child? Is a step parent mentally abusive because they tell a child they are not trying hard enough? Is a step parent physically abusive because they force a young child to hold their hand in a busy parking lot?

All the above would be normal for a parent to do, but if a step parent does them, some people may cry abuse. I am not saying abuse from step parents doesn't happen. But often there are bio parents that cry abuse because they don't like that step parents also parent their children.

I was told last night by my 5 year old step daughter, that I had a stupid rule because I made my step kids put their own laundry away. I washed, folded and delivered to their rooms, at 5 (almost 6) and 8 (almost 9) they are more than capable of putting their laundry away. It doesn't have to be perfect, no one expects it to be, but they can open drawers and put their clothes in. She went on to say at Mommy's house all their laundry stays downstairs in the laundry room so they don't have to put it away. Too bad so sad, at our house, everyone is expected to pull their weight. S8 does so no problem, it is usually D5 that complains.
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Old 03-14-2014, 03:28 PM
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Would you say then that , in this case step mom continually telling 7 year old that they cannot talk about mommy, mommy lies or child is not allowed bring any items from their home to her home. Is this not a form of emotional abuse
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Old 03-14-2014, 03:45 PM
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Originally Posted by walksoftly View Post
Would you say then that , in this case step mom continually telling 7 year old that they cannot talk about mommy, mommy lies or child is not allowed bring any items from their home to her home. Is this not a form of emotional abuse
I'd say you are reacting to a seven year old who may have a very different perception of what is going on than an adult would.

I'd also say that abuse would be a stretch. Abuse implies intent or willfull disregard.
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Old 03-14-2014, 03:45 PM
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Originally Posted by walksoftly View Post
Would you say then that , in this case step mom continually telling 7 year old that they cannot talk about mommy, mommy lies or child is not allowed bring any items from their home to her home. Is this not a form of emotional abuse
It is not different than biomom telling the kids they can't call or text biodad, Dad doesn't care about them and that they cannot bring items from Mom's house to Dad's house.

Is it abuse? I wouldn't classify it as abuse, more as piss poor parenting. But its not only step parents that say these things to the children. It is not right by any means, but at 7 years old, most children are able to pick up on who is right and who is wrong.

The term abuse is thrown around a lot, but a lot of the time it isn't abuse, rather a bad parenting.
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  #17 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2014, 04:00 PM
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My personal concern is SERIOUS abuse specifically rape or "major" sexual assault & murder.

Once those things occur I can't "rewind" and make them right - and after is too late.

Beatings, serious verbal/emotional abuse I am actually less concerned about because once they occur I can take action and while traumatic a one-time/limited occurrence won't probably have lifelong impact.
_______

These petty clean your room incidents happen anyways and everybody knows blended families are a challenge. I'm talking about the likelihood of serious incidents.

___________

Quote:
The very idea of prejudgment based on a statistic is offensive.
I don't think it is. Car insurance is based on this.

_______________

DTD, I agree with what you are saying (so what, can't trust some stat). My main concern is what kind of risk are step fathers to their children statistically speaking and what are the net benefits of remarriage.

I havent posted everything I've found but there is much more.

Remarriage and step-father vs father studies seem to be "newer".
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2014, 04:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
My personal concern is SERIOUS abuse specifically rape or "major" sexual assault & murder.

Once those things occur I can't "rewind" and make them right - and after is too late.

Beatings, serious verbal/emotional abuse I am actually less concerned about because once they occur I can take action and while traumatic a one-time/limited occurrence won't probably have lifelong impact.
_______

These petty clean your room incidents happen anyways and everybody knows blended families are a challenge. I'm talking about the likelihood of serious incidents.

___________


I don't think it is. Car insurance is based on this.

_______________

DTD, I agree with what you are saying (so what, can't trust some stat). My main concern is what kind of risk are step fathers to their children statistically speaking and what are the net benefits of remarriage.

I havent posted everything I've found but there is much more.

Remarriage and step-father vs father studies seem to be "newer".
There is of course a risk, and I would concede there are rational reasons to think it is higher with a step dad than with a biological father. But there are also risks from relatives, teachers, religious leaders, sports coaches and on and on. Are you going to subject them all to the same scrutiny? Are you going to put your kids in a cacoon and not expose them to the outside world? (In which case I would call that abusive).

You are fixated, and not in a healthy way. Do the things a loving and caring father would do for his children, have a talk about appropriate touching and what to do. Let them know you love them. That is all you can do.
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  #19 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2014, 04:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
My personal concern is SERIOUS abuse specifically rape or "major" sexual assault & murder.

Once those things occur I can't "rewind" and make them right - and after is too late.

Beatings, serious verbal/emotional abuse I am actually less concerned about because once they occur I can take action and while traumatic a one-time/limited occurrence won't probably have lifelong impact.
_______

These petty clean your room incidents happen anyways and everybody knows blended families are a challenge. I'm talking about the likelihood of serious incidents.

___________


I don't think it is. Car insurance is based on this.

_______________

DTD, I agree with what you are saying (so what, can't trust some stat). My main concern is what kind of risk are step fathers to their children statistically speaking and what are the net benefits of remarriage.

I havent posted everything I've found but there is much more.

Remarriage and step-father vs father studies seem to be "newer".
You spend too much time on the what ifs game... Are you worried because your ex has a new partner he is going to sexually abuse your children? How many parents in general sexually abuse their children but no one reports it? Everyone is shocked when it comes out that Mom or Dad sexually abused their children, but I bet it happens way more than the statistics show.

As was pointed out above, sexual abuse can happen by couches (and I would even say this happens more frequently than parents), relatives and others. Do you look at every sports couch and think they are going to sexually abuse your child? That fact that you are so obsessed about this is troubling. If you have this much insecurities about the world and people around you, maybe you should seek some help for them, but to automatically assume and question whether a new partner in our ex's life is going to harm your child is not doing them any good. Why not just give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they are a good loving person? Why paint someone in a negative light you don't even know.
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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2014, 04:57 PM
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Step-Parents have SIGNIFICANTLY more access to the step children than anybody else. I scrutinize people based on the alone time they have with my kids none of those others do - and if they needed to I'd adjust my concern level accordingly.

My daughter, might be living half the time with another man from the age of 5-18yrs old. He will access to her for 13 years. I will scrutinize him as much as I need to based on that and if I'm not I will jump and scream.
My intuition tells me that this is a recipe for disaster but I don't function on unvalidated intuition,

I AM going to be concerned and I AM going to care. I frankly don't care if it doesn't make people comfortable or it isn't social convention.

Everybody screams sexual assault stats left-right and center, and I am trying to assess the potential risk (is it 1%, 5%, 50%, 100%) etc.....

I don't trust my ex-wife's judgement very much and her low self-esteem and other issues don't give me the confidence she would take appropriate action, I can see her being the type to deny it, support the guy etc.... That's a personal judgement call based on her personality. I wouldnt say that about other women.

I don't mind having a good opinion about people in any other instance but when it comes to my kids, I am cautious and prefer to play it safe. That's what Dads are for. I and my ex DO talk to the kids about appropriate touching and what-not and we set boundaries but I am working all the angles.

I think what makes people here uncomfortable is that I am question all your current and future relationships, and nobody likes that. This is Divorce, This is life, make the BEST of it but keep your eyes open.

Last edited by Links17; 03-14-2014 at 05:01 PM.
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