Sociopath

[momforever1956]

I have lived on the defense for almost 30 years but no longer, so I will just thank-you for your response. I respect what you have to say and continue with my free life, rid of all the toxins.

[squigg62]

Nadia, I know exactly what you are getting at here and I hope you don't mind I have copied it. Very well listed out.
You may also wish to check this out as well.

Narcissistic personality disorder - PubMed Health

[Hopefuldays]

I know this is an old thread but i needed to put some words into this line up.

I finally saw a lawyer this week.
I have been court abused repeatedly by my ex. He never gives up despite basically digging and digging himself into a pit... and he arrives white teethed and smiling, laughing, joking, straight back and dashing.

This month, he was booted out of the Supreme Court for illegally using legal aid. In two weeks he goes on trial for a DV assault causing bodily harm. Last month the government repossessed his house for income tax fraud. Last fall, he resigned in the face of being fired for fraternizing with a minor at work.

And then, on Tuesday, when i read the laundry list, my lawyer said one line:
"THis sounds like you are dealing with a sociopath. It is serious, possibly more dangerous than you already have experienced, and incurable". THen she recommended "The Sociopath Lives Next Door" and Hare's book "Without Conscience" and the penny dropped.

I felt sad and scared and relieved and vomitus all in the same moment.
And things started to make sense -- mostly that i can't try to make someone care, who can't. And all the high conflict and abuse and fear and relentless poking and poking and poking and instigating is because I let it land here and i wrote back and i tried to fix and change and negotiate and help. I am nice and good and have a huge conscience and want to be a good person and mother and despite all the crap, it matters to me that the children know their father. WOWOWO... i just flew through that portal of learning!

And then i searched the forum... and found this thread.
Now, i will start the journey back to me and to myself as a strong healthy parent rather than bleeding out with apple pie and icecream in the hope that he will eventually see the futility of the war. I have more compassion (than I did) for my the children's dad and i also know that we will have to work hard to stay connected and protected and 'appreciate' and respect what this means to children.

okay. just needed to put that out there.
HD

[wretchedotis]

A true sociopath is un-commonly rare.

More likely you are dealing with someone whom has strong tendencies - but it's not llikely to actually even meet a true sociopath in your lifetime.

[Mess]

Estimates are that 3-5% of the population are sociopaths. If you're on the subway in Toronto at rush hour, 9 times out of 10 there are up to 5 sociopaths in your car.

People with personality disorders can be "high functioning" or "low functioning." The low functioning sociopath in your subway car has probably been in jail several times. The high functioning sociopath is probably not on your subway car, they are usually business executives or politicians.

[momforever1956]

Mess, you are so right. I am now legally divorced and settled everything with my x. I am so so lucky, finally the truth revealed and although I didnt get my wish list fulfilled, I have to say it was very fair.
The sad part is the law protects me but not my adult children, and he has walked away from them. He insisted to put this in the minutes of settlement.
They did nothing wrong, besides refusing to believe his lies. My eldest listened to him whine and complain on Dec 23 he has no money to go anywhere and on Dec. 25th he was on a plane to B.C, Sad, sad, sad.

[wretchedotis]

Just how many people can fit in a Subway car?

3% is a high figure. I would think it's closer to 1%.

And yes, Power and Money are appealling to these people. Another reason why 5 people in the same subway car with you is a little bit much.

[Hopefuldays]

Yes, strong tendencies and i don't need to diagnose or want to -- this isn't about pointing fingers -- it's about understanding why i feel the way i do and what happens in response... honestly, i would argue if we are talking spectrum though, he is pushing past the midline leaning hard toward the "true" end.

The Sociopath Next Door book made a lot of things clearer and i have been able to feel compassionate -- like, it isn't that he doesn't care, it is that he can't care -- and that has been helpful to me. I can back away now from trying to get him to empathize or take responsibility and i can look at my own chase to try to change his behaviours or make him care.

All said, it has been a good week and i am grateful to my lawyer who lined up all the facts and some of them just were quite astounding -- and said: stop engaging. So i have.

[Hopefuldays]

This site does a pretty good job of explaining with a lot of Hare's research data pointing more toward the reality that there are a lot of people who fit the description of people who fundamentally are "without conscience".

Psychopathy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[billiechic]

I have a true psychopath in my family, diagnosed during a criminal trial. I can honestly say there are a LOT of parallels between him and my ex, but I am not able to easily distinguish the differences.

Psychopaths can appear caring and thoughtful, as this family member did seem so many times. But it is during instances when "normal people" would engage compassion, empathy, or some sort of understanding and consider your feelings/position that the difference becomes clear. A true psychopath does not understand empathy, and in my experience ridiculed me, and intentionally does things to hurt people.

What is most distrubing though is their ability to mimic remorse and appear sorry when they really aren't. The part that makes them "psycho" is the abuse of our emotions to get what they want, and not caring about the consequences.

And that sounds a lot more like my ex than I want to admit.