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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 09-15-2010, 08:31 PM
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Originally Posted by tugofwar View Post
What do you do if you might be the one that sets them off? I truly think that my ex and I are truly unable to work together etc because of this.
I don't want to continue living my life walking on eggshells around him and not try approaching him with things. I can't deal with his reactions, anger etc. Im tired of the threats etc. Im tired of playing the nice game with him. He's nice to me cause I know he wants something and when I decide differently, all hell breaks loose.
IMO, the proper way to deal with his reactions and outbursts is NOT to deal with them. People with these types of personalities behave this way on purpose to get a reaction out of the victim, that's the payoff for them. Refuse to be subject to the behaviour and the behaviour becomes ineffective.

Approach each encounter with a clean slate, so to speak. Be courteous and polite and communicative as long as the other party is, when that ends and they become intolerable then the communication ends when you politely offer to continue the conversation when they can extend the same respect the other party expects of you. Much like dealing with a cranky child, they will eventually learn that the only time you are willing to converse with them is when they can be civil.

They may choose never to be civil, however once they stop getting what they want out of it (ie: upsetting you) they will eventually stop coming to you with it. You won't ever change the other person, but you can take control of how the situation plays out, even if it means hiding that you're upset until you're home alone.

Last edited by blinkandimgone; 09-15-2010 at 08:32 PM. Reason: the voices told me to...
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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 09-15-2010, 10:49 PM
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That's the thing, Ive learned to deal with it and quite proud of myself. There has been multiple times where he would have an outburst and I was able to not feed into his anger but in turn cause him to wonder what the heck is going on because of the way I have reacted to it! Ive learned that he does feed off hurting me, getting me upset. It gets to me because I know Im part of the problem and can cause this type of reaction just by speaking up, speaking my mind or not agreeing to him and his demented thoughts.
Things were good when I wasn't around, when he didn't have to deal with me, he got better. But now we are in court and that has come back. I worry that he will walk away from the child because of me. But then again, that would be him placing blame on someone else just like he always does.
Im tired of being a doormat and not having a voice. If I have something to say, I am not afraid to say it. I keep my cool with him but I am not living my life fearing him any longer or upsetting him. But he continues to upset me, he has been extremely cruel with his words about our relationship. He forgets things he said, says things that make me even wonder if he is human and have two different personalities.
He only gets hurt when he feels it affects his pride or his parents, nothing or nobody else.
We have in the past been able to be civil to one another. We have had a few talks but we don't talk about our child, ex doesn't bring anything up. We haven't discussed much of anything about child. So even though we can sit and talk about everyone and everything else, I don't think that counts as us being able to be co-operative towards things with the child

Last edited by tugofwar; 09-15-2010 at 10:53 PM.
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Old 09-15-2010, 11:18 PM
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Originally Posted by tugofwar View Post
It gets to me because I know Im part of the problem and can cause this type of reaction just by speaking up, speaking my mind or not agreeing to him and his demented thoughts.
That's not YOU, that would be anyone who took an opposing position. It's difficult to do but don't assume any guilt or blame for his behaviour unless you are purposely going out of your way to upset him by being unreasonable. Speaking your mind and standing up for yourself is not unreasonable.

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Things were good when I wasn't around, when he didn't have to deal with me, he got better. But now we are in court and that has come back. I worry that he will walk away from the child because of me. But then again, that would be him placing blame on someone else just like he always does.
I suspect he takes this stance with you because he always has been able to put himself in a position of control over you and the relationship with his behaviour. He got 'better' when you weren't around because he didn't have someone to treat that way who would take it, although he likely would have taken advantage of the opportunity with someone else if it presented itself. Again, it's not you, it's what you represent to him and you really shouldn't blame yourself.

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But he continues to upset me, he has been extremely cruel with his words about our relationship. He forgets things he said, says things that make me even wonder if he is human and have two different personalities.
He only gets hurt when he feels it affects his pride or his parents, nothing or nobody else.
It's funny that you mention the parents, many people I've heard speak about this type of personality also mention a very strong attachement to the parents, more often the mother, and it makes me wonder if there's something in the upbringing that feeds into these types of disorders or even creates it.

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We have in the past been able to be civil to one another. We have had a few talks but we don't talk about our child, ex doesn't bring anything up. We haven't discussed much of anything about child. So even though we can sit and talk about everyone and everything else, I don't think that counts as us being able to be co-operative towards things with the child
There's no 'winning' or 'losing' when you're shooting the shit about the weather and the news so no reason to be defensive. It's amazing how they can seem like such normal people at times and then be so unreasonabe at others.

You're doing the right things by not engaging him Tug, please just remember that it's not your fault he is the way he is.
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Old 09-15-2010, 11:31 PM
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I know but it's hard to break the cycle. There are soooo many times I have questioned my own sanity! I often wonder if really it's just me?
I have gotten so used to it that this is the person I have become. Afraid of confrontation and now noticed it stems even more so to others beside the ex. I have just started to not care about what everyone thinks of me, or if they like me etc.

The parents thing, I strongly believe they are to blame for why he is the way he is. His mother is one of the most selfish people I have EVER met yet he sticks up for them like you wouldn't believe!
Nadia, sorry for hiijacking.

Last edited by tugofwar; 09-15-2010 at 11:33 PM.
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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 09-15-2010, 11:35 PM
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You'll never change him Tug, but don't let his damage change the good in you.
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  #26 (permalink)  
Old 09-15-2010, 11:36 PM
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Tug, not a problem.
Funny you mention the mother. Same with my ex.
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  #27 (permalink)  
Old 09-15-2010, 11:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blinkandimgone View Post
You'll never change him Tug, but don't let his damage change the good in you.
The damage has been done, and he continues to emotionally abuse me. He has taken so much away from me, why because I let him.

Im working on it, Im a great person, caring and loving. I just need some time to heal and move on.
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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 09-16-2010, 12:00 AM
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As a number of people have pointed out above, no one is qualified to label their Ex as a Sociopath or anything else for that matter. However, I think we all know when something is not quite right and there is something very (very) wrong with the way someone is behaving.

It has been three and half years since the separation, almost as long as we were married. I wouldn't wish what I have been through and am still going through on my worst enemy.

I live in hope that one day it will all stop and there will be some peace and a life without fear of what he might do next.
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 09-16-2010, 12:05 AM
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I was thinking the same thing, I don't necessarily think of him that way nor have been able to pin point exactly what he has. He has self diagnosed himself with a personality disorder. So, he knows there is something wrong with himself but yet does not see it or the damage he does to others. He stayed quiet most of the time because I think he knows that when he opens his mouth, that he gets the same reaction from people (confused, scared about the way he thinks etc) I had grown accustom to it and used that always as an excuse for him. This is who he is.
It's just all the similarities of some of these disorders that is scary and how it relates to our circumstances and some personality traits of our ex's.

Last edited by tugofwar; 09-16-2010 at 12:14 AM.
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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 09-16-2010, 12:12 AM
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I think its safe to say - vindictiveness does not discriminate against gender.
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