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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 09-14-2010, 12:37 PM
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If you are dealing with a true sociopath, then it is not that cut and dry.

My brother is a diagnosed sociopath. I've learned (the hard way) that you can't trust anything he says. Not that it's all lies, you just never know.

If you are seriously concerned, this is something you should address if your case is not closed. Otherwise not much you can do.
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Old 09-14-2010, 01:50 PM
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What can I do?

He can not be forced to undergo a mental assessment. The allegation is unlikely to be taken seriously if its coming from an ex-spouse. I have kept a record that establishes a pattern. But again it will be naturally be seen as biased.

By their very nature, someone who is a Sociopath is likely to be very charming and manipulative. They are unlikely to admit there is anything wrong with how they behave and unlikely to seek any help.

I don't want to make any changes to access etc, but just want him to get some help, so that he stops hurting me and the children. I want the children to grow up having a healthy relationship with him. I will do whatever I can to support that.

But no matter what I do, it will mean little, if he doesn't admit that anything he does is wrong or is unable to see the harm that his actions have on the children.

The children at the age of three and five aleady know there are certain rules you just can't break with Dad. They walk around egg shells hoping not to upset him in any way. They even try and protect me, if they think I might get in trouble. That shouldn't be a role that they should have to play and one that I don't want them to play.

It feels like I signed my own life sentence, when I married the man.

Nadia
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Old 09-14-2010, 04:20 PM
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Has the OCL been involved? They may be interested in having an assessment done.

I'm not encouraging you to go down this path. You have to decide how much it is impacting your kids. I suggest you speak with a counsellor or other mental health professional about your concerns and ask their advice. If there is any documented history of his mental illness, substance abuse or domestic violence I think you can use that as an indication that there is a problem.

My brother was diagnosed during a criminal trial. He committed violent crimes against a family member and their property. It was premeditated and was of no benefit to him. That is what a sociopath does.
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Old 09-14-2010, 08:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadia View Post
It feels like I signed my own life sentence, when I married the man.

Nadia
Thats the worst part.... if he is truly a sociopath... it must have taken you a long time to see through the charming manipulation... and by then, it was too late.

All you can do, is the best you can, with what you have.
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Old 09-14-2010, 10:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadia View Post
I don't want to make any changes to access etc, but just want him to get some help, so that he stops hurting me and the children. I want the children to grow up having a healthy relationship with him. I will do whatever I can to support that.

But no matter what I do, it will mean little, if he doesn't admit that anything he does is wrong or is unable to see the harm that his actions have on the children.
Unfortunately, that's also one of the characteristics of a sociopath/psychopath, that they are highly resistant to treatment, primarily because of that belief that they are not doing anything wrong. I wouldn't hinge much hope on him getting help and changing his ways. This isn't like depression or schizophrenia where there can be an improvement with the right meds, for example. There's no medication, and therapy makes them worse, not better. All you can do is your best to insulate the children against him and try to minimize the emotional harm.
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Old 09-14-2010, 10:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
All you can do is your best to insulate the children against him and try to minimize the emotional harm.
That is easier said then done. How and what can you do in this situation? He probably isn't clinically dignosed and probably a real charmer to others. Others might not see what he is like and he probably like all others that have this disorder are well at hiding it. It's only these truly close that actually suffer from this type of person.
From what I have gathered from the poster's past posts, he is upset she left and probably part of their religion background doesn't help either. He is doing this despite his wife because she said no more, and wanted a better life for herself and her children.
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Old 09-15-2010, 12:34 AM
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LOL, since were profiling - if they are an avid facebook user, they could be seen as 'more narcissistic'

Facebook users 'more narcissistic' - Telegraph
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Old 09-15-2010, 12:41 PM
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Nadia, I too know exactly where you're coming from. My STBX has some problems whehter it's sociopath, psychopath or narcisist - not qualified to label. What I am qualified to say is that he mentally, emotionally and sexually abused me once he didn't have to "act nice" anymore. Me and my then 2 yo child got out but we've been paying the price ever since. He lies, cries, manipulates everyone around him and laughs while I struggle financially, physically and emotionally. The abuse BTW hasn't stopped. I've gone to great lengths to protect my child as much as I can - lucky for me, he made some serious threats against me and to take my child out of the country so I was able to get temporary custody, a restraining order and supervised access. My research also indicates that it's quite unusual for people like this to change in any way. My approach is to document with as much unbiased support as possible. He's facing criminal charges for harassing me as well but this hasn't helped me much. I debated about pushing for a section 30 psych assessment but I'm not sure a sufficient mental condition would be uncovered that would help me to get a final supervised access order which is what I'm after. All communication is through lawyers which is expensive but at least he's not able to get any attention from me. What they want is to get any attention from you that they can, they want to rattle you, humiliate you, scare you - this is what makes them happy. If he's not getting any of that from you, hopefully he'll find someone else who it will work on. My strategy thus far is to stay calm, focused and patient. I'm confident that eventually he'll show enough of himself to those involved in the case to convince them to protect my child as much as possible.

I do not feel it is in any childs best interests to be alienated from one of their parent's, to witness lying, manipulation and abuse. Keep your child in mind at all times and try your best to come at the situation from more of a practical place than an emotional well.

I wish you all the very best in this struggle for your child.
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Old 09-15-2010, 01:00 PM
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What do you do if you might be the one that sets them off? I truly think that my ex and I are truly unable to work together etc because of this.
I don't want to continue living my life walking on eggshells around him and not try approaching him with things. I can't deal with his reactions, anger etc. Im tired of the threats etc. Im tired of playing the nice game with him. He's nice to me cause I know he wants something and when I decide differently, all hell breaks loose.
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Old 09-15-2010, 03:45 PM
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Like someone said above, ask him to communicate only by e-mail or through lawyers to keep risk low and hopefully to limit emotions and give time to think about responses.

I think it's extremely important with these types to take time to process communications with them and only communicate back what is necessary and absolutely important for the kids. It doesn't help kids if you're avoiding a discussion that's in their best interests because you are afraid he'll blow up.

Do not hesitate to pursue a restraining order should domestic violence or serious threats enter the situation. Be prepared that once you separate yourself from him in this way, he may get worse in an effort to get you back into the "game".

I don't believe there is any working together with these types - they are above reproach, smarter than everyone and not compassionate in any way. It's doubtful that you will have an excellent parenting relationship with this person but unfortunately you will have to deal with them anyway. I think limiting contact as much as possible is the best you can do in this scenario.
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