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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 09-08-2010, 04:00 AM
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Default Sociopath

Sadly the following profile fits my EX to the "T". Has anyone else had to deal with someone like this? How have you managed?

Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
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  #2 (permalink)  
Old 09-08-2010, 06:34 AM
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Location: Kitchener Ontario
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why waste so much energy trying to pigeon hole your ex into a catagory? To me only a qualified person who is not emotionally attached can make that sort of assumtion.

You married him and had a kid with him, so you are going to be faced with dealing with him until the kid is 18.
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Old 09-08-2010, 07:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadia View Post
Sadly the following profile fits my EX to the "T". Has anyone else had to deal with someone like this? How have you managed?

Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
Yes and yes.
There are several good books about Sociopaths and the havoc they cause. The sad part is that you will have to deal with this person until your child is no longer deemed " a child of the marriage".
As someone who has gone through the same steps of realizing and dealing with the fact that their "ex" is not normal, I can only offer a big virtual hug and this - document, deal with your ex only through email and letter, and move hard and fast through legal means only to protect yourself and your child.
I'm sure you are reading and obsessing on this issue right now and that's okay , quite normal under the circumstances. It's important for you and perhaps your child to get some therapy to discuss your issues with a professional. Take the right steps to get healthy and to protect yourself from future issues with this person ... it can take a couple of years... in the end... relegate any dealings with him to a small portion of your life.
You will discover that a life without the day to day strife with this person is a much happier place ... and stress free.
Keep this in mind as you are going through hedouble hockey sticks , there is a brighter future if you take the time to set up a tight legal framework now.
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Old 09-08-2010, 07:50 AM
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Default Just described my ex to a "T"

Ex is exactly as you describe. On top of a divorce I am dealing with a criminal case. His only support are now his mother and brother, as bad as he his. His childhood friends are supporting me and willing to help me get the kids away from him. My problem is I now hve stage 4 breast cancer and I am worried that these issues will not be settled before I pass( hopefully can last until my kids can make own decision, they are now 12 and 14). My family and friends and his friends fully support my decision to prepare my brother to have custody of the kids if I pass. He will fight tooth and nail. Don't have any money other than equity in home so this will be a struggle. Applying for legal aid now. Started chemo again. Everyday a struggle but I have to fight to protect my kids.
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Old 09-08-2010, 08:34 AM
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Location: Toronto
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Mess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the rough
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To make a diagnosis one has to be OBJECTIVE, one has to be experienced enough to make an assessment in comparison to societal norm, and one has to be professionally trained.

So let's all read some brief articles on the internet and diagnose our ex's and have them locked up.

Not.
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Old 09-08-2010, 09:45 AM
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Are you saying we can't do that? Bummer ...
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Old 09-08-2010, 09:46 AM
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I'd bet a lot of people would think their X matched that profile (both me and my ex for example!). Objectiveness is lost upon separation.
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Old 09-08-2010, 10:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadia View Post
Sadly the following profile fits my EX to the "T". Has anyone else had to deal with someone like this? How have you managed?

Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
OK. Now what?
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  #9 (permalink)  
Old 09-08-2010, 10:39 AM
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Nothing much I can do, but recognize his behavior for what it is and change my response.

Nadia
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  #10 (permalink)  
Old 09-08-2010, 10:47 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Dorking
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KeepSmiling is on a distinguished road
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Exactly!!!!!!

Ignore 99% of everything he says and does, address the 1% of relevant communication as directly and politely as possible.

Then buy a punching bag and go for it!!!!!!! Feels good to let off steam and get great arms in the process.
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