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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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Old 12-11-2011, 08:43 PM
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Default So I hit a point - I called the police

I could feel it happening all over again today, tired I called the Police. I do not know if it was the right thing to do but I did. I have asked her to stop - there is no comunicating. The last month+ especially it is a growing problem, she does whatever she wants, whatever she can do to get into my head. I avoid, avoid, avoid - do my own thing by the front window in the very corner of the room trying to get things done.

This afternoon I called the police. I spoke to the "dispatch" she decided it was worth sending a car - the officers took our names but naturally said this stuff is not thier thing - I pointed out "Until one is egged into touching the other and perhaps this is why I called - she is pushing every day and she is never letting up - I can't even ingnore her, she has now taken to invading my personal space, what little of of I claim for existance, what I am trying to finally complete so we can get on with this divorce.

In the end, a waste of time????? Not sure - I called dispatch back to ask a question regarding the visit - she did say a report will now be in the system. While still here, one officer finally stopped and said to her "look lady you are complaining that..... It takes two and for the last 10 minutes you haven't stopped! You haven't taken to heart anything we are trying to tell you. I can actually see where he coming from if you are doing this in front of us..... what you must be like when you are alone with him???"

They asked me to call my family doctor on Monday morning - they left. Even today am I so wrong in wanting more out of life than to be shoved into the basement 24 hours a day???? (where my son will begin to rip a hole out of me because I am now occupping his personal private space down there then) I do know it is yet another day down the drain........
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Old 12-11-2011, 08:56 PM
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did she calm down after the police left?? It is a good thing you called the police especially since they pointed out to her that she is out of line.

All you want is so dignity and there is nothing wrong with that. Your son will have to realize that he has to share the basement and if he doesnt like it then he can join the rest of them.

Where abouts do you live??
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Old 12-12-2011, 02:49 AM
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No. Actually she continued doing the same thing anyway now intensified because I had the nerve to call the police!!!! And no fault to my eldest daughter who was there, and the other two who were not, but witness the same things every day. Today my ex and for that matter my daughter really couldn't see why the police were called. Without writing a novel, and I could, niether my ex or my daughter can understand that there must be a somewhat valid reason for my doing this - not playing games here.

The ex well she does this on a daily basis, some days over and over. The kids see some but they do see enough but they are conditioned at this point. Just the other day, when my ex was playing her games I just said, isn't all this silly, don't you find it strange that I get so upset and today got so upset over what is essentially a small thing? That it isn't this one small thing but the accumilation of hundreds of things, most which see does not see or even understand but it doesn't make it any less real? That possibly I do have a medical isssue that is magnifying these issues 100 times in my head - that maybe all this just qualifies what is happening to me and has been going on for years???

So as the ex continued to verbally berate me every chance she could say things like I was useless, the kids had to stay with her as I would hurt them? I am worthless, lazy stealing thief (she has it in her head that I go through her personal things every day while she as at work when in fact I do not and never have! - Actually the closest was hunting down the financial papers and the like the lawyer told me I should have..... we had it all, she just wouldn't give any of it over) and even more, again in front of now the second daughter as well as I passed to get water, took my pills, maybe to take the dog out and as she continued to spit out her lies, and more.... So as she continued to invade what was my personal space and my personal things, all the things that caused me to call the police in the first place, I just went downstairs and sat there.

And people around here do not think anything is wrong around here???? Maybe it was good I called the police after all. And here again I go rambling on......sorry - but over the day this got it off my chest and into the keys instead of just adding to my chest pains that I already have....... I survived another day but got NIL done of the divorce stuff I had hoped to accomplish (not much different than normal for me this year I guess!). So I try again tomorrow. Thanks for understanding.
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Old 12-12-2011, 09:20 AM
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The whole situation sounds like a powder-keg about to blow. Is there nowhere (friends/relatives) you can go as living as you are is so toxic for everyone there. Is she trying to egg this on for it to become physical? That will inevitably be the next step and even if she is the aggressor, it will come down to who the police believe, as to who will get charged. I was in a verbally abusive situation for several years. In 2007, it got physical and ex was arrested. I had tried all the responses to him, prior to that. Ignoring, avoiding, etc and then eventually fighting back.

Attempting to reason did not work and to this day, still doesn't. Eventually I went toe to toe w/him, not physically, but verbally. In the end he pushed me down, spat in my face and threatened very loudly and graphically to kill me. That's when I called the police and his ass was out within 10 minutes of their arrival. I regret the many occasions of his verbal abuse that our child witnessed. That never should have happened.

But.. When we are "in it" we often don't see the forest for the trees. It all becomes crystal clear afterwards. I don't know all your circumstances but I think the writing is on the wall, that you need to remove yourself from that environment if at all possible.
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Old 12-12-2011, 11:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ddol1 View Post
I could feel it happening all over again today, tired I called the Police. I do not know if it was the right thing to do but I did. I have asked her to stop - there is no comunicating. The last month+ especially it is a growing problem, she does whatever she wants, whatever she can do to get into my head. I avoid, avoid, avoid - do my own thing by the front window in the very corner of the room trying to get things done.
Police can't arrest someone for "emotional abuse". You have demonstrate her conduct is being done with the intent to cause "psychological harm". This is why they want you to go to your Family Practitioner. They want a clinician to make the call on it all and provide cogent (beyond reasonable doubt) that the conduct you are describing is causing psychological harm and with the intent to cause psychological harm.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddol1 View Post
This afternoon I called the police. I spoke to the "dispatch" she decided it was worth sending a car - the officers took our names but naturally said this stuff is not thier thing - I pointed out "Until one is egged into touching the other and perhaps this is why I called - she is pushing every day and she is never letting up - I can't even ingnore her, she has now taken to invading my personal space, what little of of I claim for existance, what I am trying to finally complete so we can get on with this divorce.
Calling the police can often demonstrate the high-conflict personality. You need to be VERY calm when you deal with them. The police are there for criminal matters, not civil matters. They will be putting a warning into both of your CPIC files to this effect.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddol1 View Post
In the end, a waste of time????? Not sure - I called dispatch back to ask a question regarding the visit - she did say a report will now be in the system. While still here, one officer finally stopped and said to her "look lady you are complaining that..... It takes two and for the last 10 minutes you haven't stopped! You haven't taken to heart anything we are trying to tell you. I can actually see where he coming from if you are doing this in front of us..... what you must be like when you are alone with him???"
Don't rely on what the police told you. The report is the only cogent evidence. Do a Freedom of Information request to get the report they are filing for the incident. Police observe BOTH parents actions and conduct. When they feel one parent is acting inappropriate they won't even mention anything about the other parent. The parent they feel most guilty of the conduct gets the most notes.

(I can't prove this, this is just my observation of having reviewed a couple hundred domestic call reports in trial records and motion materials.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddol1 View Post
They asked me to call my family doctor on Monday morning - they left. Even today am I so wrong in wanting more out of life than to be shoved into the basement 24 hours a day???? (where my son will begin to rip a hole out of me because I am now occupping his personal private space down there then) I do know it is yet another day down the drain........
Take grasp of your emotion, you are expressing something here which you need to notice and ultimately do something about. But, do it in a positive way.

The police are a hit and miss for anyone. You can get a sympathetic police officer or a stern one at any time you call them. You can request that a female officer attend at the call. They generally have a more balanced view of domestic situations.

Good Luck!
Tayken
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Old 12-12-2011, 12:07 PM
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True enough. Emotional and Verbal Abuse is not a Criminal Offense. Also: very much so - the police who respond to the call have responded to hundreds if not more and can quickly make an educated conclusion as to who the problem is (often, it's "both") - best to be very calm and matter of fact in these matters but unless she is threatening physical harm - the police really don't want to (nor do they have the time) to referee domestic disputes. In your case there will be an incident report generated and it won't necessarily be in "favour" of either of you. When I got the reports in my case thru FOI (and ex had been arrested) they were surprisingly not overly detailed and even difficult to read (illegible printing/notes)
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Old 12-12-2011, 12:07 PM
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took me a while to figure this out..... but the novel of how i ended up living in the house and basically now getting out to go to the doctor or some of the pain support group gatherings (really great by the way - been to 4 meetings now)
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Old 12-12-2011, 02:39 PM
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I crashed on the keyboard again, then again when I was in edit mode (Ggrrrr!)

better for you because it was long - now for short. (I tried!!)

The police officer requested that I go with them for me to have a mental assessment done - I declined. My GP is currently discussing my case with a psychologist who is doing current research on severe chronic pain, what are the mental implications and the goal is for me to have a proper assessment done to begin my help in this regard.

I know these conditions I live in are toxic, even in one of the posts here, like yesterday there is the implication that the man is to leave the home - I hold that in my case, I have nowhere to go, she can go stay with her boyfriend. Her logic is her grown children can't take care of themselves and must "leave with her" to what I think is reality..... I am not the aggressor, I am trying my best not to anything with her or the kids (I do believe theat the kids deserve to not be sucked into this continually - but I can't control what she does) but her grown kids can take care of themselves, she can stay with her boyfriend, the kids can make thier own choices and they can stay in the home without her..... she actually thinks there will be harm done to her children should they stay with me???

Options??? She does have the boyfriend. She does have a few good friends here in town that she has stayed over several times. Personally, I never had the energy to get out there to make any friends. I do not have family to go to, I do not have friends to stay with. I do not have the money to "leave". This is why spouses live seperated under the same roof - finances. I do know I will need to retain the lawyer and the cost scares me. What scaraes me more is if I do not get a fair settlement that allows me to have at least a little dignity.............

So I do not dare leave this home - to do so I believe will be financial ruin. In the last month I have taken a different approach in that I have informed a few closer nieghbours of what is happening, a couple had already figured most of it out on thier own - even how I have beeen treated?? I asked how and they said for now they said, by looking at you these past months........ They have offered a place for me to go if I need to get out of the house and I can't drive saffely (I really have nowhere or no one to go to anyway). I respect that they have younger children as well so I will be careful there regardless for the sake of the kids.

Until I can be confident to have done a clear job of the financial picture - which by the way, the issues I have uncovered, that falls within what is covered under the Ontario Family Law Act is a great deal of money but in the end will need to be secured for retirement - no vacations or automobiles in my future!!!!
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Old 12-12-2011, 02:58 PM
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Sorry Guys,

Called my Doctor and he is out of the office but they are reaching him on my behalf - he will decide when he wants me squeezed in the next day he is in the office. This appointment won't be bogged down with needles or perscriptions or........ just our plan to move forward. I hope he will have had the chance to confer with the specialist by then..... I will let you know what comes of it all.

Again, thanks for your understanding, concern, solid advice and I wish this was all easier but I look back on my life ---- nothing ever came easy, I just never gave up.
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:45 PM
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I hope you have your voice recorder on and recording 24/7. I anticipate a lightbulb going off in her head that *she* can call the police on you too and claim DV which she can use to get you removed from the home. If you don't have a voice recorder....get one. Staples carries them. Have backup batteries and store recordings in a secure pc/online server etc every night. Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
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