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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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Old 05-01-2017, 07:41 AM
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Default Should have left a long time ago: Time to leave now

I'm living in home my EX purchased when we were together 7 years ago, He moved out in 2012 but he still maintains access to the house and pays the bills. He also happens to be a lawyer.

My ex has been blackmailing me, stating that he has maintained video of me 'abusing the kids" and "Yelling at him", At the current time, I have a thirteen year old daughter from a previous relationship and an eight year old with my ex.

Full disclosure of our current circumstances:
  • The phone was removed from the house by him
    Internet is only permitted in the house if the girls and I demonstrate "good behaviour"
    I'm not permitted to have a car, just to drive his, and he takes the car away when he's unable to locate us or if I do anything to upset him
    He has placed an nest in the home, lowered the heat for several days at a time if I do not answer my cell phone.
    He threatens to kill me if I do anything to effect his business or reputation (the last time was last month)
    He's taken our identification away, I recently applied for them again (But they're in a safety deposit box at my bank)
    He takes my house key a way when I don't "behave"
    He had logged into my email and sent several threatening emails to himself.
    He logs into my email and deleted incriminating emails he's sent to me.
    The kids and I are confined to one room in our house, and he placed locked on 3 of our 4 bathrooms. He also locked the master bedroom and advised me that "to sleep on the floor of the kids room" (The three of us have been sharing the room for a few years now.
    I've never been given money, and groceries are only bought if I beg for them, he will then shop for them and leave the out on the steps for us.
    We're are not permitted to have locks on our bedroom door, when I tried to put one on (because he goes through my personal belongings, he drills a whole through the lock. (this happens last month)
    I've never been permitted to use the mailbox at our home, he goes through my mail, opens anything that looks like income from the government (CTB) and takes photos of it and then hands it to me.
    Every few weeks I get emails stating that I need to leave the house. That I'm trespassing (though he knows I don't have any place to go and he does not live here)
    He also enlists his friends and family to "persuade" me to "go live in a shelter"

All of the above has taken place in the presence of the children

Since I wasn't permitted to leave the home freely, I decided to learn how to make money online, without his knowledge or consent, but he ended up finding out and would contact the cable company and cut the wifi for days at a time. This effected the kids because they had homework online that they needed to complete. I would take a taxi to the library or Mcdonalds just so my oldest could complete her assignments, my youngest had IXL to complete which was all web based, and he refused to budge.

I have tried several times to leave but when I did he would physically stop me and take away or breaks my phone lately he has been resorting to threatening to press kidnapping charges against me if I walk out the door with "his" children. (I have 6 broken phones in storage)

My ex has physically abused me in front of the kids on many occasions, lately I have been fighting back, and its usually him taking my wallet or demanding sex, or him wanting to pin me down to the ground or the couch. It's like he enjoys mounting me, like its a game for him, and if I yell he digs his elbow into the soft part of my collar. He keeps saying "Own you" "You don't eat or leave this house unless I say so"... (The kids hear this as well) All I can really say is I hate you, I know its wrong of me but that's all that I do to stop myself from letting him see my cry.

The Oldest child:

My oldest daughter has known him since she was 3. She's a bright girl, mild mannered, and sensitive, she's also a good student (so far). She's stated many times that she does not trust him and she does not feel safe. She told me today that she feels bad for me because I try to be strong on the outside, but I'm broken inside. ( We are very close, and I do not encourage her to bash him, but I do not want her to feel like she can't express how she feels. She's a smart girl, and the most that I've said is that we're going to move out of here as soon as possible and that I love her)

He does not have much of a relationship with her, he constantly criticize her for "always trying to stick up for your mom" . He's resentful of the fact that she is the first to comfort me if he makes me cry. He also makes comments like " If you don't come to the store with me now I'm only going to buy my daughter a treat"... or his favourite line "....After everything I've done for you and all the money I spend on you your going to XYZ..... I do more for you then I do for my own daughter"...

The youngest child:

She has told me that she wants the arguing to stop, she does get sad and scared. I've also noticed an elevated level of aggression from her towards her older sister, she will punch, bite, kick, and so forth. I haven't spanked her in a long time, because I don't believe she needs to experience that in order to understand that their behaviour is wrong, but we do speak (on a DAILY bases)
Her grades are great, and her teacher says she's doing fine but when she comes home she angry, and often gives me an attitude when it's time to do homework...or shower ...or chores..

I've tried my best not to say anything negative about him to her, but she does ask "why does daddy hit you? Maybe if you stay in our room he won't find you."


His relationship with her is little different, he only says hello or acknowledges her when he comes through the door, and has told her to say hurtful things to her sister like "You have no father" "Daddy doesn't love you, just me"..This past Friday he took her with him to H*me dep*t, when she returned she was very aggressive towards me, she picked up her iPad and threatened to throw it at my head, I scrolled her, and she told me that "Daddy said I can live with him"

She went on to say he:

Asked if I(she) get(s) scared when mommy yells.
Asked if Mommy spanks me on my bum.
Asked if she wanted to come live with him instead of Mommy.

When I spoke to him about this he began to rage, and hung up the phone.


The time he spends in the house:

He tells the girls that "Mommy does not live here, she is a guest" "I'm the boss, what I say goes"
He likes to speak poorly of me in a way that make me feel like he's building an alliance rather than parenting. Both kids said that he tells them "Mommy is nasty or unclean" "Does mommy talks allot she talks too much" when I'm not around.

He spends most of his visiting time watching television and very little quality time with the girls are spent and he rarely takes them anyway.The rest of the time he's bullying me about being fat, or not doing XYZ because he said so, being loser, or not wanting to have sex with him..

Since the passing of his father (who he was very close to) he keeps saying that he has nothing to live for but us, and that if we weren't around he would have "committed suicide a long time ago".

About me:

I've never been on drugs, or arrested, nor have I been diagnosed with an mental health issues.He has sent emails alleging all three

I don't want to paint myself as a princess who remained quiet through all of this, at the beginning I was quiet but after while I really did snap, emotionally and mentally... I went from frustration to full out depression, and then last month I was VERY sick, running a fever and I was not permitted to leave the house, he took the car keys, my house keys, and suspended internet for an entire month. -That was my breaking point.

I started to slowly move my things out of the house and into mobile storage and called my closes friends to see if I could stay with them for a few weeks until I found a place to rent.. The problem is my friend do not live close locally and I would seriously like to get as far away from him as I can for the sake of my girls.

He has applied for our youngest daughters birth certificates (which is his right) but he's putting pressure on my to sign her passport, Ive refused to do so because I can't help but feel like there's an agenda attached to it. He told me today that I need a vacation, that he would pay for me to travel to visit my bf in the states if I just signed the passport application. (I declined) I'm not sure I can bring myself to return if he lets me go..and that's a big if..

I've spent so many years living fearful of all of his threats but I don't care, I want out! I'm very ashamed of myself, not because I was stupid enough to endure this abuse, but because I allowed my kids to witness and suffer though all of this with me..He's made it clear on multiple occasions that he wants full custody of both kids with limited visitation for me.

I would like to move to another province, where I can have support and begin the healing process with my kids, I'm afraid that if I start court proceedings while I live here I might be forced to stay longer because he'll drag this process on..

I know I should have done something a long time ago, but I'm here now, and I don't know where to begin..
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Old 05-01-2017, 09:55 AM
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You may want to speak to a lawyer first. Get a half hour free consultation and go from there. You would probably qualify for legal aid.

Change all your passwords or set up new accounts and clear your browser history. Use the library if possible.

If things get unbearable, you may need to pay a visit to the shelter.

Start reporting the instances of abuse to the police.
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Old 05-01-2017, 10:03 AM
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I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. You don't have to deal with it alone. This is true abuse and it plays with my heartstrings so much.

You DONT have to put up with an abusing control freak like that.

Don't EVER doubt your self-worth. Based on what you have said. Get the kids and plan your move. Collect documented evidence the best you can about the above monstrosities he's been engaging in.

I abhor surreptitious recording with a passion .. don't worry about these recordings too much. He sounds like the type of guy that would edit and manufacture them the way he wants them to hear. I can help you with caselaw, etc regarding secret recording.

This is what abuse is...and probably one of the worst kinds. Parents like this need supervised access.

Again . never EVER doubt your self-worth.

Last edited by LovingFather32; 05-01-2017 at 10:08 AM.
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Old 05-01-2017, 10:46 AM
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I would strongly suggest seeking the assistance of a shelter and informing the police of what you have been going through... if he moved out years ago your separation date has already been established. You need to seek immediate help from the people who can help you (police and shelters). You cannot continue living this way and the authorities CAN and will help you.

Very sorry you are stuck in this situation but if he reads your emails and browser history I don't think it will be long before he finds what you posted here. You need a safe zone now, do not wait.


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Old 05-01-2017, 11:07 AM
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You should IMMEDIATELY go to a women's shelter. They will assist you. Do it for your children's sake (if not your own). To do anything else, particularly when you know you are a victim of abuse, defies explanation. In order to break the cycle of abuse you need immediate counselling and support. It is there for you. The police will help you. All you have to do is get to a phone and call the hotline number. The shelter will pick you and your children up.

God bless you and your children. Do the right thing for them, please.
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Old 05-01-2017, 01:15 PM
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You have posted this on a relatively popular online message board. You could potentially be immediately at risk. You should probably leave to a shelter right away.
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Old 05-01-2017, 02:02 PM
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Call the police.
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Old 05-01-2017, 03:21 PM
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Well, you clearly have internet access today because you're posting here...which is a waste of time.

So send an email to the police and a shelter if you can't use the phone. Your kids need you to get the heck out of there.
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Old 05-01-2017, 03:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
You may want to speak to a lawyer first. Get a half hour free consultation and go from there. You would probably qualify for legal aid.

Change all your passwords or set up new accounts and clear your browser history. Use the library if possible.

If things get unbearable, you may need to pay a visit to the shelter.

Start reporting the instances of abuse to the police.
Thank you, I just called one today, his office says they don't know my ex personally or professionally. I meet with him in a few days. Should I prepare a summary like this one for him? I've taken photos so I guess I'll have them cleaned and placed in storage until its time.

I've called the police several times, the last time I called they told me I had no business calling them because It's his house and he played a video of him and my youngest daughter at the computer (He told them he does not interact with me but that he's just there to tutor his daughter), they sided with him and said nothing that he was doing was criminal and asked me why I didn't just pick up and move to a shelter.. (the Female officer) It's like the moment they discovered he was lawyer their tone changed.
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Old 05-01-2017, 03:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
You should IMMEDIATELY go to a women's shelter. They will assist you. Do it for your children's sake (if not your own). To do anything else, particularly when you know you are a victim of abuse, defies explanation. In order to break the cycle of abuse you need immediate counselling and support. It is there for you. The police will help you. All you have to do is get to a phone and call the hotline number. The shelter will pick you and your children up.

God bless you and your children. Do the right thing for them, please.
I just called a shelter in my area, they connected me to a woman who provides support for women that don't live there, and advised me they're currently full but to call back every few days in case something opens up. Thank you.
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