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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2011, 10:05 PM
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Default Settling a divorce when partner will not talk to you.. emotional abuse?

I have lived the past 6 years in a marriage with no communication, have a feeling my stbx (just learnt what that meant) has Aspergers.. although undiagnosed he fits the criteria.. He has ignored everything I have asked him and all the letters I wrote. Funny thing is he has them all, some very ugly nasty ones, some begging, I think I tried everything to get a response from him.. I know lawyers don't care why the divorce is happening, but how can we cut down on the costs if he won't communicate with me, and he is getting angrier as time goes on because he does not want to loose the farm, but it may come down to him having to sell.. I had suggested in writing of course, that in the mean time that maybe he should move out and I would sign a waiver saying I had no intentions of remaining in the farm after the divorce and settlement , but he has not even answered or replied to that. Wondering if anyone else has lived in this "unusual" way and how you may have resolved some of the issues surrounding divorce again Im new here, so posting in a few of the categories, thanks for any advice
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Old 10-19-2011, 07:50 AM
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be very careful, those letters he is keeping, especially as you said the nasty ones, could come back and bite you some how
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Old 10-19-2011, 09:54 AM
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It's more financial abuse than emotional abuse. My ex pulled the same thing, insisting every single little thing had to be done through the lawyers, costing me thousands of dollars in the first few months of our separation. Her millionaire daddy was bankrolling the whole operation so she didn't care what it cost on her end, as long as I was taking a hit.

In the end perhaps the best thing you could consider to "get his attention" is to file a court application against him. Even if you don't follow up on it, once he is served, he will know you mean business and that ignoring you is not an option.
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Old 10-19-2011, 01:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by uklori View Post
I have lived the past 6 years in a marriage with no communication, have a feeling my stbx (just learnt what that meant) has Aspergers.. although undiagnosed he fits the criteria..
1. You are clearly not a clinician so any "ass"umption you make on the other party is irrelevant and only demonstrates your emotional state, not the other party's.

2. There is no such thing as "undiagnosed" "aspergers". In fact, with the imminent release of DSM-V there is no "aspergers" in the spectrum anymore. I highly recommend you get proper advise from a clinician or expert prior to committing anything like this to an affidavit.


Quote:
Originally Posted by uklori View Post
He has ignored everything I have asked him and all the letters I wrote. Funny thing is he has them all, some very ugly nasty ones, some begging, I think I tried everything to get a response from him.
1. Stop contacting the other party.

2. If the other party is disabled in a manner that you are suggesting you are technically harassing and may be threatening in a manner to the other party. If I was talking to the other party involved I would seriously recommend a restraining order or no-contact order with you.

3. The other party has every right to distance themselves from you. This is what happens in separation and divorce. If you couldn't remain friendly enough to continue in your marriage and resolve issues, why would the other party be required to be your "friend".

Quote:
Originally Posted by uklori View Post
I know lawyers don't care why the divorce is happening, but how can we cut down on the costs if he won't communicate with me, and he is getting angrier as time goes on because he does not want to loose the farm, but it may come down to him having to sell..
1. More than lawyers. The courts don't care why the seperation and eventual divorce is happening. Either party to a marriage has a right to seek seperation and divorce on a "no fault" grounds.

2. You just said that the other party is not communicating with you. You can't "suck and blow" at the same time on those statements. Either the other party is not talking to you or they are.

3. If the other party is not talking to you how do you know "he" is angry with you? Sorry to say but, you are creating an "emotional fact" here based on "emotional reasoning". (Look up both concepts on Google.)

4. You are preoccupied with money. It is clear in your statements.


Quote:
Originally Posted by uklori View Post
I had suggested in writing of course, that in the mean time that maybe he should move out and I would sign a waiver saying I had no intentions of remaining in the farm after the divorce and settlement , but he has not even answered or replied to that.
1. You have a right to live in the house. So does the other party.

2. Why should the other party leave their home? Because you want them to and you can't deal with the emotional struggles you are dealing with?

Quote:
Originally Posted by uklori View Post
Wondering if anyone else has lived in this "unusual" way and how you may have resolved some of the issues surrounding divorce again Im new here, so posting in a few of the categories, thanks for any advice
1. Thousands of couples every day have to live this way after seperation. It is the norm not "unusual".

2. Thousands of "emotionally healthy" couples are able to live together in *their home* after seperation without incident or emotional outbreaks.

3. What makes your situation "unusual" is that you asked the other party to leave their home too. Not the best thing to do.

With regards to "emotional abuse".

1. Stop reading the internet websites on emotional abuse.

2. Go to a therapist who knows the 30 catagories that classify psychological abuse (aks "emotional abuse")

3. Get REAL clinical insight into if what you are experiencing is partner abuse (psychological).

4. LISTEN to the clinician on what you are told regarding psychological abuse and stop reading the internet about it.

5. Your concerns, fears and other emotional states exposed in your correspondence may demonstrate that you are actually the victim of your own cognitive distortions. My best advice to you is to seek help rather than project your problems on the other party.

Good Luck!
Tayken
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Old 10-22-2011, 10:07 PM
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thanks for your reply,
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Old 10-23-2011, 12:26 AM
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i feel for u, i have a restraining order against my ex, so does this mean x dollars, holy to settle through the lawyer, this just gets better and better...cause he can have no contact with me, except through lawyers... what a game. and the rich get richer and the poor, get poorer. someone on here said it would cost 25,000 to end this, this is not right, we need to lobby the government
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